rionaleonhart | Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.

(I was wondering what you meant by the 'plagiarism' comment!)

Ahahaha! Even more convincing! (I hope you don't intend to move in permanently, Jeremy.) And Jeremy retorting even though there is absolutely no reason to! And Hammond's utter terror at the prospect of Jeremy being changed back!

(I am late. No-one is surprised.)

(Er, I'm sure he doesn't... the idea of your LJ entries as written by Jeremy is highly amusing, however, if possibly incredibly embarrassing for you. 'Hi, yeah, it's me. God, Clarkson is great isn't he? And, er, I like pink, and boybands and nail varnish and other teenage-girl things, because I'm not Jeremy Clarkson. Not at all.') I am thrilled, once again, that you like it!

"May, I mean it now. You don't want him changed back."

Clarkson's evil grin returned, in all its malevolent glory. "Oh, yes you do, May."

Hammond's head whipped round to glare at him. "Clarkson, if you stay the way you are, you... you get to pretend to be a teenage girl again."

Harriet gave him a horrified look, and TG shook her head in disapproval, and gave Harriet a sort of doggy-hug.

Clarkson grinned his horrible grin. "You do realise I'm going to follow you around shrieking 'Oh my God, it's Richard Hammond! Look, everybody, look at Richard Hammond! I'm his friend.' In fact, I think I'll become your full-time stalker, and sell embarrassing information about you to the newspapers." Clarkson's eyes glittered evilly. "Oh, this is going to be fun."

Hammond sighed. "Fine," he said.

May gave him a slightly horrified look. "Richard, I demand to know right now what it is he's threatening you with that's so awful you're willing to put up with Clarkson as your fangirl."

Hermione, Ron and Harry all looked very confused. "Excuse me," said Hermione, "but why are you referring to a girl as 'he', and what do you mean 'change back'?"

"There's no reason," said Hammond quickly. "She's just, er, not a very convincing teenage girl, so, ha, we all say that she isn't one. Isn't that fantastic! Now, go back to arguing about names."

"But Hammond," said Jeremy slyly, "they're all so confused! Put them out of their misery, why don't you? I'm sure there won't be any terrible consequences."

Hammond fumed. "Shut up, Clarkson, shut up."

May frowned. "As much as I hate to disagree with that statement, I can't help but still be curious-"

Richard interrupted. "Stop being so bloody curious! This is Clarkson. Remember Clarkson? The idiot? The lunatic? The man who has never once had a good idea in his life?!"

"Well, Richard, if you're going to be rude, then I might very well turn down your generous offer and tell James all about my little idea."

"What idea?" said Hermione. "I thought it was him that had the idea?"

"Oh, my idea is better."

"No! No it isn't!" cried Hammond. "You! With the glasses! What's your name? Is it Jessica? Catface? Mock him, someone, please!"

Scarhead-boy looked rather amused by Hammond's utter terror. "It's Harry, actually. Harry Potter."

"Right, well then, you're a pot. Jeremy, mock him!"

Jeremy smiled. "Richard, there are much better ways to spend our time. Like..."

Giving up, Hammond snatched Ron's wand, ignoring Ron's indignant cry of 'Hey!'. "I've got a wand, and I'm not afraid to use it," said Hammond, making vague lunging motions.

"It's not a sword," said Hermione. "Why do none of you know anything about magic?"

"Well, maybe you should tell us," said Richard, "and then maybe I could get him to shut up!"

(Oh, dear, Jeremy posting on my Livejournal would be terrifying. Jeremy finding my Livejournal would be terrifying.)

EXCUSE ME, HAMMOND, I MIGHT SORT OF WANT MY BODY BACK.

"Oh, my idea is better."

Oh, dear. I am grinning so much!

Ahahaha, Richard's "HE HASN'T BEEN MOCKED YET! MOCK HIM!" diversionary tactic!

(Clarkson and Livejournal would be horrible, because him trying to pose as a teenage girl would be so so so brain-destroying.

(You're making me think about posting fake Livejournal entries as bodyswapped-Clarkson. Stop it.)

(I want to see fake bodyswapped-Clarkson LJ entries!)

(Hahaha! It would probably be a lot of badly-spelled gushing!)

(Oh, both very worrying ideas.)

HAMMOND IS SELFISH. AND TERRIFIED.

I am pleased to cause grinning!

"Well, you don't use it as a sword, everyone knows that," said Hermione smartly, "and you shouldn't be using magic if you don't." And she grabbed Ron's wand and handed it back to it's rightful owner. Ron nodded his thanks.

"I see you no longer have any dubious methoids of silencing me, Hammond," said Jeremy, grinning widely. "Unless of course you want to try changing me back and then-"

"Punching you?"

"You know it's very rude to keep interrupting someone," said Jeremy, crossing his arms.

"Also," said Harriet, "that would be my body you're punching, and I would quite like it returned to me, please."

Richard turned to look at her. "Oh, we don't even know if May's idea would work. I doubt these three clowns would help us anyway."

"Well, I'd like to try it."

"As would I," said Jeremy, evil grin firmly intact.

"Excuse me," said Ron, "but I'd like to know how exactly we're involved in this plan."

Hammond slapped his forehead. "It doesn't matter. The plan doesn't matter, Harriet wanting to get back in her own body doesn't matter, Clarkson stalking me doesn't matter; we'll just stay in Hogglesbrook forever and drink tea or whatever it is they do here."

"They do quite a lot of fishing," said May placidly.

"Well, they'd have to have some interesting conversation after spending time with you, Slow."

"Well, Jeremy, at least I haven't terrified poor Hammond and kidnapped a teenage girl."

"I am the kidnapped teenage girl," said Jeremy.

Ron raised his hand. "Could someone tell us what the bloody hell's going on?"

"If you promise not to help us in any way, yes," said Hammond.

"Done," said Ron. "I can't think why I'd want to help a group of people who've done nothing but insult us since we arrived anyway."

"Right, excellent," said Hammond. "The teenage girl and the demented, evil bloke have swapped bodies, so the one that looks like a teenage girl is, in fact, a man called Jeremy Clarkson, and the one that looks like a very strange man is, in fact, a teenage girl called Harriet. Happy now?"

"What have you and the bloke with the idea you don't want to tell us about got to do with this?"

"For some reason I can't really remember right now, we're friends with Clarkson."

May smiled. "Now, my idea..."

Hammond resisted the urge to hit him a lot.

"For some reason I can't really remember right now, we're friends with Clarkson."

Ahahaha! That is wonderful. And 'If you promise not to help us in any way' is such a marvellously odd stipulation! And he refers to Jeremy as 'the demented, evil bloke'!

*gleefulness and lateness*

Erm, I seem to be dragging this out a bit, because I like writing it far too much.

Hammond sighed a huffy sigh.

May frowned disapprovingly. "Richard, you do realise we can't keep them this way forever; Harriet has a family, who are most probably very worried about her by now. And anyway, if we get Jeremy back to normal, you can kill him without worrying about the guilt."

Richard grinned slightly. "May, you always know just what to say to make me feel better."

Jeremy's horrible horrible grin was back, yet again. "Well, Hammond, I know just what to do to-"

"Annoy the hell out of me?"

"Oh, Hammond, we're finishing each other's sentences; we're like a couple already."

Richard clenched his fists. "Not. One. More. Word."

James raised his eyebrows. "Ah, I see."

"Well," said Ron, "this is all very romantic ("No it isn't!" cried Hammond) and that, but what's this plan you keep going on about?"

"You promised not to help us!" Hammond said, looking very annoyed.

Hermione shrugged. "I didn't promise. And no offence, but I'm better at magic than Ron anyway."

"None taken," said Ron. "You stink at Quidditch, and that's what's important."

Hammond looked slightly homicidal. "What about you, Pot-boy? Will you be helping Clarkson get himself murdered?"

Harry frowned. "It depends what exactly you expect me to do."

"Well, I'd like you to kill Clarkson, but I'm presuming you don't want to do that."

Hermione shrugged. "Oh, I don't know."

May stepped in. "I think you should return Jeremy and Harriet to their rightful bodies."

(Well, I'm making some progress, at least. They finally know the plan, huzzah!)

Congratulations on your apparent sanity, May!

"Oh, Hammond, we're finishing each other's sentences; we're like a couple already."

Hee! Oh, Jeremy, I love you again.

this is all very romantic ("No it isn't!" cried Hammond)

Ahahaha! Poor, poor Hammond.

"Well, I'd like you to kill Clarkson, but I'm presuming you don't want to do that."
Hermione shrugged. "Oh, I don't know."

Oh, dear, Jeremy isn't terribly popular at the moment, is he? (By which I mean: laughter.)

(I'm not even going to point out the lateness. Well, I suppose I just have, actually. Oh, dear.)

Yes, May is, as ever, the sanest of the bunch. Jeremy is very pleased indeed, considering how few friends he has left. Aww, I know.

Hermione wrinkled her nose. "I'd rather go with Richard's idea."

May dragged a hand through his hair. "Look, although all of you seem to be pitifully uniformed, the story of Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond kidnapping a girl and driving her to the middle of nowhere is actually one of the top stories in the news right now, and I've been listening to how two of my mates have gone completely crackers all day, and I'd quite like to get it all sorted so I can open my front door and not have journalists barraging me with questions about the mental state of these two."

"Well then stay here with us," said Hammond pitilessly.

"Yes," said Jeremy evilly. "You're very welcome to spend the night with us." He bared his teeth in what may have been the most horrible grin yet.

Richard clenched his teeth. "Right, you're never going back to your old body. Ever."

"Richard, if Jeremy stays in that body, at some point... hormones will kick in," said James, looking at him meaningfully.

"Right, do you have any bodyswap reversal spells? And could you use them quickly? Very, very quickly?"

Hermione frowned. "Well, there was the unfortunate case of Timothy Bondwiggle in 1733... I think Obscure Magical Mishaps might have listed a spell..."

Ron shook his head. "I have no idea why I put up with you," he muttered.

Hermione poked him.

"Less arguing, more spell-remembering," snapped Richard.

"Haven't you changed your tune," said Ron.

"Do you want to see that man with PMT? Really?"

Ron looked completely horrified. "I don't know why you had to tell me that. Do you hate me?"

"Right, I've remembered!" cried Hermione triumphantly.

Harriet looked utterly delighted, and hugged TG.

Jeremy sighed. "I think I'm going to miss not having creaky knees and aches and pains everywhere. I've gotten quite attached to my new-found youth."

"I don't care," snapped Hammond. "I'm quite attached to going through life without the image of Jeremy Clarkson and...female things in my head. Spell, then!"

AHAHAHA, IT IS THE BEST WAY TO CONVINCE RICHARD TO REVERSE THE SWITCH EVER.

Timothy Bondwiggle is a glorious name.

Ron looked completely horrified. "I don't know why you had to tell me that. Do you hate me?"

Hee! Oh, Ron is adorable.

(Oh, dear, I am very very late because of Things. Sorry!)

I am so very pleased that you like it, even the strange character name! And hee, icon!

"Er, right," said Hermione, screwing up her eyes. Raising her wand high in the air, she uttered a stream of long and confusing Latin words. There was a flash of blinding light.

When the power of sight had returned to them, they noticed that Jeremy was delightedly fondling his body. "Well," said Richard glumly, "I guess we've got Clarkson back. Hurrah."

"Y'know," said Ron, frowning, "You never did give us that ridiculous purse. I think you owe it to us after we returned you to your normal selves."

"We?!" spluttered Hermione at the same time as Richard snapped, "Owe it to you? For making sure Clarkson can carry out his horrible threats?!"

Harry sighed and put his hand on Hermione's shoulder. "You want the Horcrux, don't you?"

"Well, yes, but..."

"Then let's not argue. Could one of you strange people give us the purse, and then we'll be on our way."

"You know," said Ron, "I can't help but think that it was very strange of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named to choose such a strange thing as a Horcrux. I mean, I know he's insane, but this is just ridiculous."

Hermione frowned. "Well, according to The Comprehensive History Of Lord Voldem - "

"Never mind," said Ron hurriedly. Hermione scowled.

"Here," said May, snatching the purse from Clarkson, who had somehow managed to get his hands on it (how or why was unknown), and handing it to the bickering duo. Hopefully, thought May, the only arguing he would have to put up with now would be non-magic-related.

"Hey!" cried Clarkson. "I might've wanted to keep that!"

Harriet frowned at him. "But, er, it's my purse."

Clarkson shrugged. "You clearly don't give it the love and attention it deserves. You should treat it like I treat my beloved Ford GT, with care and understanding for its weaknesses. You don't deserve such a purse. I should be allowed to keep it."

Hammond gave him an incredulous look. "I think the bodyswap may have affected his brain," he hissed at May.

"He can't be any more insane than he was before," May hissed back.

"Well," said Harry, "I'm afraid it's ours now, anyway. We'll be off saving the world, anyway."

"I'm sure you'll manage to cock it up completely," said Clarkson cheerfully.

"And we'll miss you too," said Hermione sourly.

"Er, thank you very much for returning me to my normal body," said Harriet pleasantly.

"Well, at least one of you is grateful," said Hermione, and smiled at Harriet. And then the Trio was off again, and it was just the Top Gear team and Harriet in the middle of Hogglesbrook.

Hee! Jeremy 'delightedly fondling his body'! And his love for the Ford GT! And his inexplicable wanting to keep the purse!

Hang on, what happened to the contents of my purse? I MAY HAVE SORT OF NEEDED THEM.

Jeremy adores the purse, I think.

Er, the Thieving Trio may perhaps have stolen that too. The contents are hopefully replaceable. Or perhaps Jeremy will catch up with them later and steal it back, because he loves and adores the purse, and he will of course return the contents to you, because he only cares about the purse and not the contents.

(Erm, no, it apparently isn't finally over, because Harriet needs to get home and Jeremy needs to put his Evil Plan into action. Um, sorry about that.)

"Well then," said Jeremy, "I'm back to my normal self, aren't I, Hammond?" And then he waggled his eyebrows in a most unnerving manner.

"No, Jeremy, you want to keep a purse. You've clearly been irreparably damaged and I couldn't possibly take advantage."

"Well, then maybe James can take advantage instead." Jeremy turned to May, his evil expression looking so much more deliciously evil now that he was back in his own body.

May looked startled. He glanced over at Richard. "Is that what you meant when you said I didn't want to know?"

Richard nodded. "Yes. Yes it was. He certainly didn't have any other evil plans."

"Er, I hate to interrupt, but shouldn't you be taking me home?" said Harriet. TG nodded her approval.

"Oh, yes, of course," said May, beginning to walk back to the cars.

"But you wouldn't want to pass up on an opportunity to sample the delights of Hogglesbrook, would you?" said Jeremy quickly. "And of course, they're all the better if you sample them on your own. You could even get a bus home if you don't like it." Jeremy's grin was that of an escaped lunatic with a machete.

Harriet glanced around her. Hogglesbrook certainly was beautiful. There was a lake in the distance that stretched for miles, shimmering like blue silk all the way into the distance; a silvery moon that shone brightly like a watchful eye keeping the villagers safe; it was lovely. "But, er, aren't I going to need somewhere to sleep?"

"You mean you'd pass up the opportunity of sleeping under the stars? Honestly, you just don't appreciate nature."

May frowned at Clarkson. "You are the most irresponsible man I've ever had the misfortune to meet. We'll take you home, Harriet."

"But she wants to stay in Hogglesbrook!"

"Well, then, she can come here on holiday. I'm not prolonging this ridiculous drama just so you can make some ill-advised attempt to seduce me; which by the way is very unlikely to work."

Hammond sighed with immense relief.

"I haven't told him the whole plan yet, Rich, there's still hope," said Clarkson smugly.

(Help! I cannot stop writing it! I like writing it too much!)

Jeremy's grin was that of an escaped lunatic with a machete.

Oh, dear. Jeremy does have some truly amazing expressions. Also terrifying. (Ahahaha, unnerving eyebrow-waggling!)

I can't get a bus home, Jeremy; the bastard Harry Potter trio have stolen all my money.

(I very much like reading it, so feel free to be as unable to stop writing it as you want.)

(The continued streak of lateness, er, continues.)

Ah, Jeremy would not be Jeremy without insane expressions.

Oh, God, they are evil, aren't they? They will have to get their comeuppance at some point.

And many many yippees that you think I have a good May-voice! This is wonderful news!

(This is good, as I seem to not want to stop writing it.)

"There's more to the plan?" said May, an expression of bemusement crossing his face. "Actually, never mind, we need to get Harriet home."

"Oh, but I think Harriet wants to hear the plan, " said Jeremy, his 'mad scientist' expression appearing. "She was asking about the evidence of Hammond fancying me earlier."

Hammond flushed. "Please don't start all that again."

Jeremy grinned. "No, Richard, we're on to a new subject now. On it like May was on you in that art gallery."

James raised his eyebrows. "I'm impressed you managed to squeeze innuendo from that," he said.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be impressed with a lot of things if you stay," said Jeremy, grinning an unpleasantly lewd grin.

Hammond groaned and his head fell to his waiting hands. "Please, if nothing else, think of the dog." TG whined as though to back up the statement.

"Fine, the dog can go for a walk with Harriet," said Jeremy. "See how caring I am, Richard? Doesn't it warm your heart?"

"No," said Richard through gritted teeth and his hands.

"Jeremy," said James, "as amusing as it is to see you torture poor Hammond ("Hey!" he cried indignantly), I think it would be best if we took poor Harriet home. She's suffered enough today after having to put up with you and your impersonations of a teenage girl all day." TG nuzzled James' trouser leg in appreciation for his sensibleness.

"Oh, fine," snapped Jeremy. "We're coming back here afterwards though."

"You are not dragging us back here just so we can turn you down!" exclaimed Richard.

"Richard, I'm shocked; I was thinking we could look at the scenery and possibly take a nice nature walk."

"Jeremy, I'd rather you didn't ruin my favourite holiday spot," said May. "Now, we're going home."

"You know," said Harriet, a rather worried tone creeping into her voice, "I think those people who were looking for the Horcrux have stolen all my money."

"Oh, no," said Jeremy, "now we're going to have to sleep here and find them in the morning! What a shame!"

Hammond eyeballed him. "Shut up, Jeremy, you're even less convincing at that than you were at being a teenage girl."

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