This Is An Actual Transcription Of My Train Of Thought Whilst Typing.

[rionaleonhart]

The Top Gear trio would be the worst fellows for House ever. Cuddy would just give up and cry in a corner. Actually, I can't quite work out whom they would drive off the brink of sanity first: her or House. Let us assume, for the purposes of this exercise, that House is sane.

Let's see. Jeremy would refuse to play any of House's games. Richard would probably -

...oh, God. Richard would be Chase, wouldn't he? He'd look up to House and aspire to be like him.

In fact, Richard is a sort of Chase to Jeremy's House.

And James May is totally James Wilson.

I can't believe I've never made an entry about this before.

Comments

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

I just scared my cat laughing at this entry.

I need to write it.

[rionaleonhart]

It would make me very happy indeed if you did! Would this be your first venture into Top Gear fanfiction?

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

Ayep.

*grin* I have sadly downloaded all 9 seasons with Richard and Jeremy and James and I am going to enjoy them greatly over Christmas break.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I got an episode with the not-James guy. And it was fun, but you could really tell it lacked something. Not-James mostly just laughed at what the other two said, and attempted to have sensible conversations about cars.

Which is an entirely understandable reaction when you've been told you're presenting a show about cars, and get stuck in a conversation with Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond, but it's less entertaining than James May.

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

You need to see the episode with GRANNIES DOING DOUGHNUTS.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

WELL YES, OBVIOUSLY, AS SUCH A THING EXISTS!

[ladybella.livejournal.com]

You were in my dream last night. Rionaleonhart's Detective Agency. You gave me your card.

Did I mention I can sometimes predict the future?

[rionaleonhart]

...THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. I want my own detective agency.

[ladybella.livejournal.com]

What's even funnier was it was totally set in the Hot Fuzz universe. Sandford, and the council were framing me for murder, so you were going to take my case.

You would make an awesome detective!

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

...oh, God. Richard would be Chase, wouldn't he?

I swear I remember you doing a "Chase is James Sunderland" entry.

Which means Richard=Chase=James Sunderland. And they should all meet up just to be weirded out by that.

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

Richard driving the getaway car from the EVIL ZOMBIES?

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I can imagine Chase getting needlessly technical on the "How did your wife die?" front, while Richard drove around dodging assorted monsters.

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

Oh gods, I need to write this. I need to play Silent Hill 2 again. In the daytime.

[rionaleonhart]

Fortunately, the Chase-ish aspects of Richard and the Chase-ish aspects of James Sunderland are entirely different. I don't think I'd be able to handle thinking of Richard as James Sunderland.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

See, in my brain, that works.

As you may have noticed, my brain's a bit scary.

[talcat.livejournal.com]

Jeremy and House would want Richard and Chase to have sex while they watched.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I could quite see that happening.

[rionaleonhart]

I imagine that, if the Top Gear trio actually were House's fellows, he'd try to manipulate the three of them into a horribly tangled mess of sexual relationships, purely because it would amuse him.

[talcat.livejournal.com]

This is true but the sex wouldn't be as pretty and not worth as much selling it to gay porn sites or the nurses.

Or WOULD IT?!

[rionaleonhart]

I actually really want someone to write this now. Doubtful, confused, manipulative, incredibly screwed-up sex? Cuddy would work out what House was up to eventually and be absolutely horrified. Wilson would just go "...you did what?" And Jeremy, James and Richard would end up desperately trying to repair their friendship, thwarted at every turn by House, who thinks that friendship is so much more fun when it's been twisted out of all recognisability, and this could be such an intriguing fic.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO WRITE TOP GEAR ANGST.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

Why not?

[rionaleonhart]

It's just - I - oh, dear. I did once swear that I wouldn't write Top Gear angst, because I watch Top Gear for the fun and the friendship and the ridiculousness, but after crossing it over with Silent Hill and flinging James into a universe in which nobody recognises him I suspect I may have sort of broken that resolution already. And it could be really interesting.

If only I had the first idea of how to go about writing it. Bloody writer's block.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

To be fair, them wandering around Silent Hill was as low-angst as possible under the circumstances.

But the circumstances were Silent Hill.

[talcat.livejournal.com]

And Jeremy, James and Richard would end up desperately trying to repair their friendship, thwarted at every turn by House, who thinks that friendship is so much more fun when it's been twisted out of all recognisability,

Or they could turn tables on House while letting him THINK that's whats happening surely the three of them with the Stig's help could outwit house.

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

Black or white Stig?

[talcat.livejournal.com]

White Stig!

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

:D Black Stig go BOOM!

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

You're aware that 'getting Richard and Chase to sleep together' and 'getting the Top Gear trio into a horribly tangled mess of sexual relationships' aren't mutually contradictory events. He could do them both on the same visit.

I'm not picturing House, having gotten Richard and Chase to have sex, sitting next to Jeremy while watching, and making some very pointed remarks about how it all looks, and what he bets Jeremy wants to be doing right now.

[talcat.livejournal.com]

And Jeremy doing the same back right at him!

[rionaleonhart]

I am fairly certain that putting Jeremy and House in the same room would have terrifying(ly brilliant) results.

[talcat.livejournal.com]

I am fairly certain that putting Jeremy and House in the same room would have terrifying(ly brilliant) results.

Which I would want to see!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but are you suggesting that the Top Gear trio should in any way be responsible for someone's health? Who would their unfortunate patient be?

[talcat.livejournal.com]

Piers Morgan!

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

...That would explain how he turned into a zombie...

"Which one of you killed the patient?" House asked.

The three men looked at their feet. "Well, he's still walking around," the tall one pointed out. "So we didn't completely kill him."

[talcat.livejournal.com]

Exactly!

[rionaleonhart]

"Which one of you killed the patient?" House asked.
The three men looked at their feet. "Well, he's still walking around," the tall one pointed out. "So we didn't completely kill him."

THAT IS AMAZING. I LOVE IT.

[rionaleonhart]

(This obviously means that we need to write two the-Top-Gear-team-as-House's-underlings fics: one incredibly twisted relationship drama, and one full of crack and zombies. Yes? No?)

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

(I'm not writing either of that!)

[rionaleonhart]

(WE SHALL SEE. If I am not mistaken, I shall have you entirely at my mercy shortly after Christmas, Miss Draco.

By which I mean: oh, tssk, fine. I may need you to be my evil fic enabler when my writer's block has lifted, though.)

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Look, we both know you claimed you'd make me finish the Big James Crossover by tying me to the chair when you visited here for a week, and you didn't do that due to being distracted by Silent Hill 4 and Life on Mars and bicycles, so I'm not at all worried by your bluff.

And I am always willing to be an evil fic enabler :D

[rionaleonhart]

HEY, THE BIG JAMES CROSSOVER DID GET FINISHED.

...EVENTUALLY.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Well, yes, BUT it was not because of ropes!

[rhosyndu.livejournal.com]

It could work the other way too: Cuddy could decide that since House keeps on fannying around and not picking a proper new set of fellows she'll inflict the worst, most useless ones she can find upon him.

Unfortunately Torchwood was busy, so she had to make do with Top Gear instead.

[rionaleonhart]

Would Cuddy really do that, though? Ultimately, it's the patients who are going to suffer. I bet House hired them just to annoy her.

"Well, I've been thinking about how you didn't like my brilliantly creative hiring methods, so, just for you, I've dropped the whole thing and hired three new fellows."
"House," Cuddy said, staring at the documents in front of her in dismay, "please tell me you've given me the wrong résumés by mistake."
House put on a show of being affronted. "I'll have you know that my new fellows are very experienced in their field."
"Their field is television presenting."

[rhosyndu.livejournal.com]

Hmm. True, Cuddy wouldn't compromise patient care. I was going to say that they could just be there in a consulting capacity (like Bosley was offered) and not actually treating patients, however, they would be indirectly compromising the patient, wouldn't they? Hmm.

We could of course rely on a ~*RANDOM PERSONALITY CHANGE*~ happening to Cuddy - those are at least canonical for the House universe.