Had The English Won At Senlac, We Would Have Less Diverse Daleks.

[rionaleonhart]

Oh, dear. I keep wanting to update, partly because I am bored and partly because finding myself confronted by the twin stares of Derren Brown and his Jigglypuff every time I visit my journal is starting to seriously unnerve me, but my fandom of the moment is this ridiculous imaginary universe in which Derren Brown is the Doctor's companion, and I don't want to ramble about that too much for fear of giving away everything that happens in the fic.

Perhaps I could write a few snippets in which Derren and the Doctor pop into fandoms that aren't going to show up in the actual story? Yes, I believe I shall.




"I've worked it out!" the Doctor announces. "The cliff face on the left is allergic to feet!"

There is a pause.

"The cliff is allergic to feet," Derren says.

"I thought maybe it was sunglasses, but it's definitely feet. See, all the Zoombinis with feet are on the other side."

"The cliff," Derren says. "Is allergic. To feet."

"Humans," the Doctor says, rolling his eyes. "Show them a species that's born wearing rollerskates and they'll still have trouble with a little allergic cliff."

-
"I'm sure there are more interesting places to visit than contemporary New Mexico."

"Contemporary for you, maybe," the Doctor points out. "I haven't been in 2008 for aaaaaages."

"I see," Derren says. "And is there any particular reason we've come to a school?"

The Doctor grins. Somewhere inside the building, a bell rings.

Derren's mind goes suddenly blank, and the next thing of which he is aware is dancing in a huge group of brightly-clad teenagers, singing enthusiastically about the end of the school day. He is more than a little perturbed by this. The mildly worrying issue of involuntary singing and the embarrassment of being twice the age of his fellow dancers aside, Derren is not particularly enthusiastic about the end of the school day. The end of the school day means there are many more Channel Four watchers on the street to stop him, making any sort of journey five times longer. The song is a highly inaccurate representation of his feelings.

When whatever has induced this (hopefully) temporary insanity forces him to drop to one knee and serenade the Doctor, however, he decides that accuracy is overrated.

-
Derren has a vague feeling that bursting into giggles may not be the wisest thing to do, given the circumstances. The circumstances, of course, being 'Derren is at present concealed in the undergrowth, downwind from a vampire with incredible speed, strength and senses, who has recently ripped the head off a still-living deer and is probably entirely capable of doing the same thing to Derren'.

But there are only so many reponses possible when a deadly, terrifying predator stands in the sunlight and sparkles.




Speaking of giant mechanical spiders, I have been rewatching the first season of One Tree Hill with my housemates, and I find myself massively 'shipping Haley/Peyton this time around. They would be adorable! Please tell me that there is Haley/Peyton in the future, One Tree Hill watchers.

Comments

[timydamonkey.livejournal.com]

Your mind is amazing.

The Twilight one is brilliant.

Your title reminds me of something that got quoted in one of my lectures last week, apparently from an advert a good few years ago:

"It's better to speak with a dialect than to speak like a dalek."

Hee!

[rionaleonhart]

Thank you!

"It's better to speak with a dialect than to speak like a dalek."

Hee! (I am really curious about what that could possibly have been advertising, now.)

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

LOL sparkle-pires. I have recently come to the conclusion that the cliche of vampires who don't drink human blood would be a lot more fun if you had some vampires who tried to set their equivalent of PETA and tried to make other vampires aware of how defenseless the poor humans are.

But surely Derren would have his Back-up Dancers with him during his travels with the Doctor?

[serriadh.livejournal.com]

Are Derren's back-up dancers actually from High School Musical?

[rionaleonhart]

I have recently come to the conclusion that the cliche of vampires who don't drink human blood would be a lot more fun if you had some vampires who tried to set their equivalent of PETA and tried to make other vampires aware of how defenseless the poor humans are.

Ahahaha, agreed. Now I'm just picturing Edward Cullen lurking in the corners of vampire bars, handing out leaflets.

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

vampires who tried to set their equivalent of PETA and tried to make other vampires aware of how defenseless the poor humans are

*Imagines Mitchell handing out leaflets*

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

Annoying vampire PETA! Edward would so go to every meeting and read bad poetry about the tender and defenseless little humans! And possibly go for something like the whole "Sea Kittens" thing by being all "You wouldn't eat humans if they had a cute name, like 'Giant Puppies'! You don't eat puppies, do you?" Only to get the inevitable awkward "Um, I do," from the guy in the back.

And real PETA and annoying vampire PETA could get in a fight over vampire PETA's "Eat animals, not humans!" campaign. Several vampire PETA members would resign in disgrace after it came to blows and a few real PETA members got eaten. PETA would declare a moral victory and start recruiting volunteers to be eaten by vampires in order to spare the animals.

[gulliblesnail.livejournal.com]

The song is a highly inaccurate representation of his feelings.

ahahahahaha, oh my god.

[rionaleonhart]

I do occasionally wonder whether the students of East High sometimes find themselves forced to sing things with which they do not agree at all. 'We've arrived because we stuck together'? Is that really you, Sharpay? I am suspicious.

[apiphile.livejournal.com]

You are every shade and flavour of WRONG.

[rionaleonhart]

Should I take this as a compliment? I think I shall take this as a compliment.

[make-a-move.livejournal.com]

If I ever meet him I will, thanks to you, have the insanely strong urge to ask him how the Doctor is. He will, of course, think I am being literal about David Tennant, and ask me if that's what I meant. I shall say no, I mean the Doctor, and he'll look at me oddly, I'll stand there embarrassed, and it shall all be terribly awkward.

[rionaleonhart]

I shall be terribly, terribly delighted if you actually do this. (Obviously, his question about whether you mean David Tennant will be accompanied by slight shiftiness, because he actually is friends with the Doctor and isn't sure whether he should be confirming it in public. Obviously.)

[proleptic-fancy.livejournal.com]

Oh god those were hysterical.

Zoombinis!

[rionaleonhart]

Glad to amuse!

Writing that snippet made me realise that I love the idea of the Doctor and Derren in the world of the Zoombinis a quite absurd amount. Possibly I shall drop a reference to it into the actual fic. Possibly I shall write a full spin-off ficlet about it. IT IS A RIDICULOUS AND TERRIBLE IDEA AND YET I ADORE IT.

[thebaconfat.livejournal.com]

You. Are. The brilliantest.

[rionaleonhart]

Heeeee, thank you!

[lasayla.livejournal.com]

I went into this post expecting a ficlet on How Derren Brown and The Doctor Survived Silent Hill and I am greatly saddened by its absence.

Nevertheless, this was fab, 'specially Twilight.

[rionaleonhart]

Do not be disappointed; the reason it's not here is because moogle62 and I are planning to have a full section set in Silent Hill in our massive and ridiculous co-written fic.

And I'm glad you enjoyed the snippets!

[the-funmonkey.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure you could keep writing these snippets forever as I am never getting bored of this concept. It's ingenious.

[rionaleonhart]

Yay! I do not know why they work so well together, but they do, and I love them so much. (And I am very glad that you like the concept, because the fic is eleven thousand words long and counting, and it would be such a shame if nobody read it.)

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

I... love. I have so, so much love. I can't wait to see this fic when it appears!

[rionaleonhart]

I'm so glad you like the silliness! Thank you!

[invisiblecake.livejournal.com]

All I have to say is High School Musical crossover drabble thing? So much win! I want to see this actually happen very much.

[rionaleonhart]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Actually seeing Derren Brown in a High School Musical song-and-dance sequence would indeed be marvellous, but I fear it may be unlikely.

[saaski-moql.livejournal.com]

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON AND I'M SORT OF GLAD THIS IS A PUBLIC POST. I AM GOING TO SHOW IT EVERYWHERE.

[rionaleonhart]

Heeee! I am very glad that you enjoyed it.

[johnnypurple.livejournal.com]

Ha! Most amusing, particularly the Twilol one. How about a Top Gear one too?! :D

[cryforthemoon.livejournal.com]

...Yep. Yep, this wins.

[rionaleonhart]

Victory! (Thank you!)

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

Every time you segue with "Speaking of giant mechanical spiders" you give me the horrible urge to stick gratuitous giant mechanical spiders in one of my fic. I hope you know that. And we really don't need "Top Gear meets the Gunpowder Plot with added gay sex and giant mechanical spiders", thank you very much.

Although, Mad Jeffrey would quite possibly have a few giant mechanical spiders in his basement, because he thought they were interesting. Possibly cyborgs; he grew enormous spiders, and to help them with the ensuing health problems, he added on all kinds of cyborg features.

Dammit!

And I love Derren Brown meets the sparklepires.

[rionaleonhart]

And we really don't need "Top Gear meets the Gunpowder Plot with added gay sex and giant mechanical spiders", thank you very much.

Are you sure, amy_wolf? Are you sure?

[kadrin.livejournal.com]

I blame you for me playing the Zoombinis and guiding Siobhan through a couple of playthroughs. Anyway, my current big fandoms are Warhammer 40,000 and Repo! The Genetic Opera, and I won't subject the Zoombinis to Repo Men. ("But you will to the grim darkness of the far future, where there is only war?" Shut up.)

* * *
Fabius Bile looked over his plan, as much as was possible with his face firmly buried in one heavily gloved hand. On the surface, it all seemed so simple, so elegant, so fittingly brilliant of the Primogenitor - and a perfect solution to a problem that would stymie so many. He'd gone through the path of trials with a full squad of Chosen (and when he had what he wanted from this land there would be a fitting Warp-spawned punishment for the entire pizza troll species, oh yes...) his native brilliance solving each puzzle within the minute, only to find that the fascinating genetic mismatches were guarded by a full detachment of Ultramarines. Hence this small army of auxilliaries, enough to break Calgar's men to fragments, that Bile had been sure he could lead through the puzzles with the greatest of ease.

What hadn't he considered? What had escaped the Clonelord's brilliant mind? What had gone wrong?

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" his Orks shouted, as they attempted - once more - to storm over the uppermost bridge, all together in a rush, waving sluggas and choppas in the air.

Ah, yes, Fabius reflected as the Orks flew backwards. He hadn't considered Orks.

"It is not difficult, Warboss," he explained to the biggest of the Orks, trying to keep his patience barely leashed as the Warboss looked down on him with a suspicious eye. "The living sculpture beneath the uppermost bridge has an adverse reaction to your shootas, twin-linked shootas, and big shootas. The living sculpture beneath the lower bridge has a similar adverse reaction to your big choppas and power klaws. You must simply split your army into two parts, in order to safely cross the chasm. In your case, for example..."

Fabius looked over the massive Ork, the vicious power klaw that finished his left arm, and the hefty twin-linked shoota over his back.

"Perhaps I could carry your gun," he suggested.

"You can haz my gun, Chaos-boy, when I'z dead," the Warboss said, before rethinking. "Wait. No you can't. Orkses don't split up. If Orks has a big Waaagh!, and splits it in half, then dere is... four Waaagh!s, all puny..."

"Two," Fabius insisted.

"We com-pro-mise, den, free. Free Waaagh!s dat is not as big as de one Waaagh! so it's like dere's no Waaagh! at all and den I's got no Orks, right?"

One of the army's Gretchin was stacking up the logs that had been blown down into something like a ramp. Fabius forced himself to watch it and wonder why it was doing that in place of trying to follow Ork logic, which he was sure was rotting his brilliant mind. When his research was finished, he decided, the New Man would be able to perform basic arithmetic at the age of two months. "But then you won't get across the bridges," he explained, "and there'll be no chance to fight the Space Marines."

"You tries, Bile, but you is stupid," the Warboss explained, making a gesture that would tousle Fabius's hair if he had any. Fabius stopped himself from filling the Ork with Xyclos needles only through the knowledge that the shots probably wouldn't kill it, and then it would rip his head off. "Orkses can always solve problems."

And with that, he unslung the shoota from his back, and covered the stone faces with heavy barrage fire. Solidly built, both remained completely unharmed, but... apparently, both were very, very allergic to bullets.

[kadrin.livejournal.com]

"While your solution has a certain simple Gordian elegance to it," Bile said, watching the bridges fall into the chasm, "it lacks that practical flair. Had you listened to me, Warboss... Warboss?"

Fabius looked left, and then right. Orks shouldn't disappear this easily, they had no understanding of stealth. Then, behind him, the sound of a very unhealthy engine firing and turning over...

The Orks, piled into the back of their trukk, waved weapons and rude gestures at Bile as they passed him. The trukk hit the ramp already travelling at near-top-speed, sending the logs flying all over the Allergic Cliffs, and giving the vehicle just enough height to carry it over the chasm...

"See yaz later, Chaos-boy!" the Warboss called out, as the trukk landed on the other side. "We'll bring yaz back a souvenir!"

Bile stared in disbelief as the trukk roared off towards the stone guardians, wondering briefly how he could have misjudged the situation so badly. Well, no more auxilliaries, he'd come back with a full force of Noise Marines and Thousand Sons, and he'd unleash the unending might of Chaos on any Ultramarine or Ork or pizza troll that got in his way...

...except that the bridges were down, and probably wouldn't be back up any time soon.

Fabius sat against the tree on his side, burying his face in his hands, and pledging three things to himself - that the New Man would be psychologically unable to drive a truck; that he would never work with Orks again; and that no matter how long he lived (forever, preferably), he would never mention his attempts to capture Zoombiniton to a soul.

[fireholly.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD

THE ZOOMBINIS

...OH MY GOD

[rionaleonhart]

There are not nearly enough Zoombinis crossovers out there, I feel.

[emmarrrrr.livejournal.com]

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!
TWILIGHT!

HE IS SERENADING THE DOCTOR. THE DOCTOR CLEARLY KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. HE PLANNED IT, DIDN'T HE?

[rionaleonhart]

I suspect the Doctor is trying not to smirk too much during the serenade and failing entirely.

[wanttobeatree.livejournal.com]

HEY RIONA HEY RIONA.

HAVE YOU HEARD BACK FROM DERREN RE UKULELE YET?

[rionaleonhart]

If I hear anything from him, you can bet I'm going to be updating my journal about it. (The address I gave was my London address, so I can only check when I drop back there. And I do not know how long it takes things to get through his management. And it is his birthday on Friday, so perhaps they have been withholding the ukulele from him. I TELL MYSELF SUCH THINGS TO ALLAY MY FEARS THAT THE UKULELE HAS BEEN LOST OR STOLEN AND, OH NO, DERREN BROWN WILL NEVER THINK I'M A WEIRDO. HOW VERY TRAGIC THAT WOULD BE. (Except actually it would be tragic, because Derren Brown has to have a ukulele. It is necessary.))