Trabia Garden

Oh, my goodness, who renewed my Paid time? Thank you so much! I was just resigning myself to being without comment-editing and polls and userpics and protection from advertising, and all of a sudden: unexpected anonymous loveliness! Amazing!

I'd love to do something for you, anonymous benefactor, but of course I don't know who you are and so I don't know what would interest you. I HOPE YOU LIKE SNIPPETS OF UNFINISHED FANFICTION, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE APPARENTLY GETTING. (Obviously these are for all of you, not just my anonymous benefactor.)


( Doctor Who/Final Fantasy XII: Jack Harkness introduces Balthier and Fran to the Doctor. )


( Kingdom Hearts II: Hayner and Seifer meet Leon in Hollow Bastion. )


( The Mentalist: Jane and Cho have fairly unsuccessful phonesex. )


( Derren Brown/Doctor Who/Supernatural: Derren and the Doctor, post-restless-spirit encounter. )


( Derren Brown/Supernatural: Castiel and Dean discuss Derren-the-angel. )


( Peep Show/Silent Hill: Mark goes to Silent Hill and Jeremy follows him. )


( Charlie Brooker/David Mitchell: awkward steps towards a relationship. )


( Merlin: Merlin and Gwen swap bodies. )


Some of these may eventually be finished! Some of them, alas, probably won't be. In any case, I hope you've enjoyed the snippets.

The days go by, and new Merlin fails to appear. This lack is driving me mad with remarkable speed, considering that I was introduced to Merlin less than a fortnight ago, and so I find myself forced to invent my own episodes. Because good things may come to those who wait, but good things come to those who don't wait faster.


Episodes From Riona's Mind: Merlin, Series 1.5, Episode One.
Somebody (let's say Gaius, for a change): OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS (by which I mean that Gaius is the one with the mysterious illness, not that Gaius is saying 'OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS'. That wouldn't be a change at all.)
Gwen: OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS (here she is saying 'OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS', in order to inform Merlin of the situation. 'OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS' may not be her exact words. In any case, she says something (probably adorably) that amounts to 'OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS'.)
Merlin: OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS GAIUS WHAT DO WE... oh, wait.
(pause; shots of caves)
Merlin: OH NO MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS UNHELPFUL DRAGON WHAT DO WE DO?
Unhelpful Dragon: Times of trouble bring once-shattered fragments together. You must hold your destiny close.
Merlin: ...why do I even talk to you?

Arthur: ...but Gaius is the court physician. Who's supposed to treat him?
Uther: It's a very unfortunate situation. I have sent out a call for anyone with medical training to present themselves. Also, I feel like beheading someone.
(Merlin: GOD ARTHUR WHY'D YOU TELL YOUR DAD YOU KNOW BEHEADING SOMEONE IS HIS SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING
Arthur: I didn't think - he's not - shut up, Merlin.)

Mysterious Bearded Stranger: I hear you need some help? If he's the physician, he may have some idea of what his own illness is; the only problem is that he's unconscious, so he can't tell us. Let me just read his mind...
Uther: THIS SEEMS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE SORCERY TO ME.
Mysterious Brown-Suited Stranger Accompanying Mysterious Bearded Stranger: Whoops. We'd best be off, then.
Uther: AFTER THEM, ARTHUR.
Arthur: (pursues!)
Merlin: NO WAIT ARTHUR DON'T - I mean - I don't have any massive personal reason for objecting to sorcerers being executed or anything, but, er - well, he was trying to help, and -
Arthur: What witchcraft is this?
Merlin: (catches up) ...am I imagining things, or is this thing bigger on the inside?
Mysterious Bearded Stranger: We appear to have some stowaways.
Mysterious Brown-Suited Stranger Accompanying Mysterious Bearded Stranger (Spoiler: He's The Doctor): (grinning really rather a lot) Oh, these aren't just any stowaways.

(Also, Gaius got better or something.)



NEXT WEEK:

Thank you so much for your comments on andtimetravel! I am incredibly glad the people who've reviewed seem to like it, as there are many thousands of words to come, and we feared a story about Derren Brown and the Doctor in the world of Pokémon would have a prospective audience of about two. (Future instalments will be set elsewhere; we haven't just written tens of thousands of words about Derren and the Doctor in the world of Pokémon. Although perhaps we should.)

moogle62 has now departed, and I was left feeling rather morose as I returned home from the train station. This house was much nicer when it had a Moog in it. However, she has said she will attempt to write fanfiction for me, which would certainly ease the pain of Mooglessness a little. (For my part, I may have promised to write some Derren hurt/comfort, as penance for going OBVIOUSLY THIS IS THE WAY AND THE MAP IS WRONG and thus ruining our watching-a-play plans like an idiot. A tip for all: if we are trying to find a place within a strict time limit and I start trying to lead the way, punch me in the face. I have absolutely no idea of how to go about this hurt/comfort-writing thing, but I must try!)

HERE IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION: were Pokémon to exist in the world of Merlin, would Uther forbid the ownership of Pokémon in general or only of Psychic Pokémon? And what Pokémon would the characters have?

Working theories:

- Uther, assuming that he does not hate all Pokémon, has an Arcanine. I imagine he would enjoy owning an enormous fiery dog. Also, it is loyal, which he would like.
- moogle62 suggests that something unbearably cute, like a Horsea or an Igglybuff, would attach itself to Arthur. Arthur would not appreciate it. (An Igglybuff is probably more plausible, as I imagine a Horsea would be confined to water. PERHAPS IT KNOWS SURF AND FOLLOWS ARTHUR EVERYWHERE ON A GIANT WAVE. Or, er, perhaps not.)
- Gwen would have an Eevee, probably. Eevee seems a bit of a cliché, but I really do think it would be the perfect Pokémon for Gwen.
- We had some trouble with Morgana. Eventually, moogle62 decided that she would have, and I quote, a 'psychic Meowth'. I DON'T KNOW. ASK MOOG.
- Merlin himself would have something rather rare, of course. Perhaps an unusually small Dratini that he wears around his neck like a scarf. Because that would be really cute. (This is why I am inclined to say that Uther objects only to Psychic Pokémon, rather than to Pokémon in general: there would be no adorable Dratini-wearing otherwise.) Also, an Abra, the existence of which he must conceal from Uther.

Merlin's obvious desire to have a pet unicorn and ride around on it with Arthur probably translates into an ambition to catch a Rapidash.

I have a moogle62 at the moment, which is a rather lovely thing to have. She is trying to persuade me to write fanfiction in which Derren Brown cries. I am horribly, horribly tempted. (He would become so angry with himself, because he hates losing control, and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE WOULD BE CRYING ABOUT BUT I WANT THIS TO EXIST ANYWAY.)

(MOOG HERE: THIS IS TRUE, I AM A WRONG)

SHE IS ALSO WRONG BECAUSE SHE HAS FORCED ME TO WATCH THE FIRST SIX EPISODES OF MERLIN WITH reipan, PROBABLY AT GUNPOINT (THIS IS UNTRUE: I DO NOT OWN A GUN - ALTHOUGH IF I DID, OKAY, PROBABLY THIS WOULD BE LESS UNTRUE), and now, all right, I may perhaps be slightly in love. I actually squeaked and exclaimed 'they love each other and I love them and they are such boyfriends' in the fourth episode. It took a mere four episodes for Merlin/Arthur to make me make audible noises of flailing and love. That is, frankly, pathetic. (On my part. It is rather impressive on the parts of Merlin and Arthur.) SHE MAY - AND BY 'MAY', I MEAN 'WILL' - BE GOING TO BUY THE SECOND HALF OF THE SEASON IN THE MORNING. abjkadahdk I win at making her love the GAY GAY GAY DESTINIED-BOYS. I feel it is also important to point out that she spent a lot of the time insulting both Uther ("He is such a git!") and the slash dragon ("Okay, now the dragon is a git too.") and also co-composed a song about Merlin and Arthur and their Big Gay Destiny with reipan, in, like, the two minutes I was out of the room. WITH MANY MANY VERSES. It was ridiculously impressive.

So, yes, if I end up making a million and three entries about Merlin, you know whom to blame. BLAME RIONA.

I AM MOOG, DO NOT LISTEN TO ME.

LIES, ALL LIES: THAT LAST BIT OF MOOG-BOLD WAS IN FACT ME BEING USURPED BY RIONA. IGNORE HER BLASPHEMY, SHE HAS NO-ONE TO BLAME BUT HERSELF. AND MERLIN. AND ARTHUR. OKAY, SHE HAS NO-ONE THAT ISN'T FICTIONAL TO BLAME.

SHUT UP; YOU ARE BUYING ROBIN HOOD. (The BBC DVDs, not the semi-historical figure. Although buying the semi-historical figure would probably be less humiliating, because moogle62 has informed me that one of the Merry Men wears trainers.) In my defence, Robin Hood does offer me an abundance of GAYYY and also Richard Armitage being scowly in leather ajaashajkdhakhd what. All right, I have no excuse. Shut up.

She also showed me the first three episodes of The League of Gentlemen. POSSIBLY THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER WATCHED. (Chinnery is adorable, but I wince whenever he appears, because of course it means that horrible things are about to happen to animals.)


In any case, shaming television aside, we shall probably be posting the first section of the Time-Travelling Adventures of the Doctor and Derren Brown tomorrow: In Which Derren Discovers That Doctor Who and Pokémon Are Not Quite As Fictional As He May Have Imagined. Watch this space!

Dear University of Sussex,

You have been ranked the second-best place to study linguistics in the country! Congratulations! Do you:

a) axe the Linguistics department, or
b) not be stupid?

Take your time. This is not a trick question.


( Cut for anger. )


Anyway! I do not like my entries to be entirely full of misery, so now it is time for something happy! AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE JUST THE THING.

A couple of days ago, I received a notice that someone had sent me a letter with insufficient postage, and so I had to pick it up from the handling office. (This, as it turned out, was a good thing, because otherwise it would probably have been crammed through the letterbox and damaged.) In excited anticipation, because man do I love getting post, I set off.

Now, you may have noticed that I am ever-so-slightly prone to exaggeration, and in particular to use of the term 'best thing ever'. Here is the problem with this: when something actually is the best thing ever, how does one express it?

The first sheet I drew out of the envelope was a drawing of Derren Brown in Silent Hill, holding a ukulele.


( Beneath the cut are scans of Derren Brown meeting the Doctor, the Master, Silent Hill, High School Musical and ukuleles. They are all wonderful. )


In conclusion: sos_your_face is amazing.

Oh, dear. I keep wanting to update, partly because I am bored and partly because finding myself confronted by the twin stares of Derren Brown and his Jigglypuff every time I visit my journal is starting to seriously unnerve me, but my fandom of the moment is this ridiculous imaginary universe in which Derren Brown is the Doctor's companion, and I don't want to ramble about that too much for fear of giving away everything that happens in the fic.

Perhaps I could write a few snippets in which Derren and the Doctor pop into fandoms that aren't going to show up in the actual story? Yes, I believe I shall.




"I've worked it out!" the Doctor announces. "The cliff face on the left is allergic to feet!"

There is a pause.

"The cliff is allergic to feet," Derren says.

"I thought maybe it was sunglasses, but it's definitely feet. See, all the Zoombinis with feet are on the other side."

"The cliff," Derren says. "Is allergic. To feet."

"Humans," the Doctor says, rolling his eyes. "Show them a species that's born wearing rollerskates and they'll still have trouble with a little allergic cliff."

-
"I'm sure there are more interesting places to visit than contemporary New Mexico."

"Contemporary for you, maybe," the Doctor points out. "I haven't been in 2008 for aaaaaages."

"I see," Derren says. "And is there any particular reason we've come to a school?"

The Doctor grins. Somewhere inside the building, a bell rings.

Derren's mind goes suddenly blank, and the next thing of which he is aware is dancing in a huge group of brightly-clad teenagers, singing enthusiastically about the end of the school day. He is more than a little perturbed by this. The mildly worrying issue of involuntary singing and the embarrassment of being twice the age of his fellow dancers aside, Derren is not particularly enthusiastic about the end of the school day. The end of the school day means there are many more Channel Four watchers on the street to stop him, making any sort of journey five times longer. The song is a highly inaccurate representation of his feelings.

When whatever has induced this (hopefully) temporary insanity forces him to drop to one knee and serenade the Doctor, however, he decides that accuracy is overrated.

-
Derren has a vague feeling that bursting into giggles may not be the wisest thing to do, given the circumstances. The circumstances, of course, being 'Derren is at present concealed in the undergrowth, downwind from a vampire with incredible speed, strength and senses, who has recently ripped the head off a still-living deer and is probably entirely capable of doing the same thing to Derren'.

But there are only so many reponses possible when a deadly, terrifying predator stands in the sunlight and sparkles.




Speaking of giant mechanical spiders, I have been rewatching the first season of One Tree Hill with my housemates, and I find myself massively 'shipping Haley/Peyton this time around. They would be adorable! Please tell me that there is Haley/Peyton in the future, One Tree Hill watchers.

The opening of the segment on dreams in the second episode of the third series of Trick of the Mind excited me to a quite ridiculous degree. 'Wait, are they... THEY ARE. THAT STATION IS NOT FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. DERREN BROWN IS NOT FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. DERREN BROWN IS BLINDFOLDING A GUY NOT FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE.' My housemate (at my term-time home, not at THE HOUSE FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM THE STATION WHERE DERREN BROWN ONCE WAS YOU GUYS), watching it with me, was unimpressed.

Speaking of my housemate: she has been messing with my mind. I once left a Derren Brown DVD on my bed, went out of the room for half a moment and came back to discover that it had switched positions with his book on my bedside table. The evening before yesterday, I came back to my room after brushing my teeth and froze in the doorway. The 'Specials' boxset was propped up on my bed, so Derren was staring at me as I came in. It was absolutely terrifying. I was too afraid to look away for several minutes, because I had the powerful feeling that, if my glance shifted, Derren Brown would get me.

I hope my housemate is the explanation, anyway, because otherwise Derren Brown himself has been playing with the contents of my room with his mind, and that is an alarming prospect.

(I eventually had to call said housemate in to remove the DVD from my sight so I could enter the room. She said something to the effect of, 'okay, you're obviously tired and insane and you should go to bed'.

I looked over at the bed.

My Something Wicked This Way Comes DVD was propped up against the pillow.

I couldn't stop laughing for about seven minutes.)


Yesterday, ms_treesap and I went to see Slumdog Millionaire. I am now of the opinion that all films would be vastly improved by having the cast dance over the credits. Especially the Silent Hill film. Pyramid Head, with nurses as his backup dancers? You know you want to see it. (Twilight, of course, would also have been improved by massive dances, but this video has already remedied the lack beautifully.)

Earlier, we came across a busker. My reaction was more or less exactly 'OH MY GOD, HE HAS AN ELECTRIC UKULELE. I have to give this man money!' He wasn't even good! It's just the principle of the thing!


Strange revelation: I think I'm going to miss David Tennant's Doctor when he's gone. All these years of never quite forgiving him for not being Christopher Eccleston, and now the end of his run is in sight and I find that I am actually feeling a bit sad. I'm probably going to miss Donna more, but... you guys, David Tennant isn't going to be the Doctor any more. After forty episodes or thereabouts, the title is moving on.

I'm not sure what's brought this on. It is entirely possible that my sudden pre-emptive nostalgia is entirely due to the Tenth Doctor's being the one with whom Derren Brown is travelling (fact), and when Tennant is no longer the Doctor I will not be able to pretend that Derren is in the background of all of the scenes. Well, I suppose I will, but it will not be the same.

I have taken a suspiciously ukulele-shaped package with Derren Brown's name on it to the post office. I have no idea whether it is going to reach him or not. I certainly hope so, because it is quite a nice ukulele and Derren Brown clearly needs one.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU GUYS. HOW ARE YOU SO PERSUASIVE?

If I hear anything about it, I shall let you know.

I cannot believe I actually did that. And now I'm afraid that I'll hear nothing and I'll just be left wondering whether he ever received it.


Here are some thoughts on various Derren Brown-related things I have watched in the past couple of days:


Derren Brown Plays Russian Roulette Live (warning: unsettling), which is apparently its title even when it is on DVD, okay then: AUGH AUGH AUGH. I knew it was filmed years ago and Derren Brown was highly unlikely to have been a zombie in all his subsequent work, but it still managed to be insanely suspenseful. The long, long, long, long moment of nothing after the misjudged chamber was just horrible. (Also, seriously, who thinks 'Hey, I like guessing the cup underneath which someone has hidden an object! Why don't I translate that to trying not to shoot myself in the head?')


(The following paragraphs contain spoilers of a sort for the second series of Trick or Treat, in case you're hoping to watch it blind.)


The kitten episode of Trick or Treat (warning: unsettling, but not as unsettling as you may fear): DERREN BROWN SERIOUSLY HOW ARE YOU SO CREEPY? When he regresses the poor girl to childhood and then speaks to her as if she's a child and you can see it's all for his own evil purposes and adgjkhadfgh HE IS A CREEPY, CREEPY MAN.

And then at the end he is stroking an adorable kitten and suddenly, having been pure evil for much of the episode, becomes the cutest person in the world.

This episode sums up the horrifying/adorable Derren Brown dichotomy rather nicely, I feel.


The David Tennant episode of Trick or Treat: oh, Derren has such a crush! I am so charmed! (I think I like Tennant more as himself than as the Doctor.) 'I need him to be as relaxed as possible, and so, to combine this with the opportunity of seeing David in a close-fitting wetsuit...' - oh, Derren, never stop being a fanboy. I also love the girl who goes 'yes, David Tennant, I'd love you to read my mind! ♥'


The escapology episode: we knew this already, but Derren Brown is massively, massively evil. The scene in which he is casually drinking a cup of tea whilst watching a young woman struggling to escape a sack is almost as alarming as it is sexy most alarming. I am extremely impressed by Angela's calmness; my reaction to 'Are your hands and feet securely bound? Right, I'm just going to pop you into this sack and tip you into the lake' would probably have been more along the lines of 'er, I'd really rather you didn't'. Possibly with tears.

I am glad that this was not like the other Trick episodes, which generally end without showing anything after the trick, because in that case it would have ended on a shot of the sinking sack, and I probably would not have been able to handle that.