I Like Shorts! They're Comfy And Easy To Wear!

[rionaleonhart]

Now, as those of you who have read the Twilight saga and some who haven't may know, New Moon, after Edward leaves Bella, contains a series of blank pages apparently intended to reflect the blankness of Bella's soul and the emptiness of her life in his absence.

reipan observed that this was a dreadful waste of paper, and so she created blankmonths. The idea: You, The Reader decide what Bella did during those months of blankness, write it into your copy of New Moon and scan in the pages to show to us. (You may instead type them if you do not have a scanner, if you'd prefer not to deface the book, or if you do not own a copy of New Moon but wish to get involved anyway.) Please feel free to be as silly as you'd like.


Now, Pokémon Gold!

The Pokémon games are not renowned for their sparkling dialogue, but there are a few moments of genius. As I had somehow managed to give both my Togepi and my Spinarak the name 'Rikar' (rather perplexing, especially as I had been under the impression that I was making it up on the spot on both occasions), I took the Togepi to the Name Rater in Goldenrod City. I renamed him 'Rene', and then it occurred to me to see whether the name selection screen had an 'é' so he could be 'René'; not implausible, I thought, given the accent in 'Pokémon'. It did not, however, and I exited without changing the name.

'All right!' the Name Rater announced. 'This Pokémon is now named RENE. It might look the same as before, but this new name is much better! Well done!'

I was very amused.

(Also, there is a reluctant Rocket Grunt who says, 'Oh, a kid? I don't really like this, but eliminate you I must...' when he confronts you. I love him and I want to write fanfiction. (And I thought at first that it was because he had some moral objection to attacking children, but after you defeat him it turns out that he is afraid of kids after running into your rival. Hee.)

Why - why do Team Rocket react to your breaking into their base by challenging you to a fair Pokémon battle? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to have their Pokémon attack you?)


Here is a Top Gear story I am not allowed to write: Porsche 911s, Hyundai Accents and various other cars are found destroyed across the country. The public and media begin to refer to the mysterious car-killer as Cara, because I am a terrible person. One day, James and Richard are alarmed to find a corpse on their track and ask Jeremy about it. Eventually, it turns out that Jeremy has a Death Note. As it only works on humans, he has the Stig transform cars he hates into humans, kills them with the Death Note and then has the Stig change them back. Sometimes the Stig doesn't have time before the body is discovered.

This is a terrible idea on many, many levels, and so this snippet is all you're getting of it:

"Shouldn't the Stig be getting this lecture?" Jeremy demands.

"The Stig has no conception of human morality," James says. "I like to think you've at least heard of it. You're deliberately bringing new human life into the world for the sole purpose of snuffing it out. Doesn't that strike you as even a little bit wrong?"

"James," Jeremy says, staring at him. "It's a Hyundai Accent."

There is a pause.

"It is a Hyundai Accent," James concedes.

Comments

[timydamonkey.livejournal.com]

...That Top Gear/Death Note crossover sounds completely amazing! I am disappointed it may never be written.

Also, blankmonths is something I'm definitely going to keep an eye on!

[picaropicara.livejournal.com]

This crossover must be written because it already has my two new favourite sentences EVER.

"James," Jeremy says, staring at him. "It's a Hyundai Accent."

and

"The Stig has no conception of human morality"

It reminds me in a bizarre way of the Stephen King short story Trucks and how much better said story would be if it had The Stig in it.

[rionaleonhart]

Hee, thank you! (What stories wouldn't be better without the Stig in them?)

[kadrin.livejournal.com]

I was going to finish that Utena/Top Gear crossover with Jeremy saying: "After the break, we put the Shinra Corporation's General Sephiroth around our track... in a Vauxhall Astra." I remember this, and little else I intended to do with that story, because I can hear him saying it perfectly.

Anyway, my theory is that through convergent evolution, Pokémon aren't psychologically able to deal killing blows, and their attacks are always aimed to stun. Predator Pokémon can relax this limitation against animals and prey Pokémon, but they don't need to eat much - and to strike a human, again via convergent evolution that ripples through all Pokémon species even to the legendaries, would cause enough mental trauma that it would possibly end up being a suicide attack.

(Evidence:
- you never get attacked more than superficially after your Pokémon all faint;
- the Pokémon themselves are "fainted", even against Mewtwo or a Legendary Beast;
- it explains why they give hugely powerful monsters to children;
- why else would anyone in the world still be alive in the post-Mewtwo era, huh?)

In the online Pokémon RPG that keeps swirling around my head and must be prevented from emerging at all costs, the major plot would revolve around a new type of Poké Ball developed by the villainous team of the archipelago, which could override this Pokémon mental conditioning, and force Pokémon to perform fatal attacks. Using these new Pokémon, they would restart the ancient science of "war", in order to cow rival landowners with superior firepower, and make a living as arms dealers. (War couldn't continue past the symbiotic existence of humans and Pokémon; your musket isn't much use against a Gyarados, but that Gyarados will only knock its enemies unconscious, requiring soldiers not just to be able to kill but to be ghoulish enough to kill the fallen, and to do so around enemy Pokémon who don't like them much.)

Anyway, the point of all this is that having their Pokémon attack you would only lead to them having to drag your unconscious body out of the building, and your Pokémon would still be in the way, understandably unhappy about this turn of events.

[rionaleonhart]

Sephiroth would make an amazing Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car.

I think this theory explains a great deal! It never occurred to me to wonder why wild Pokémon never kill yours or attack you.

Oh, dear. On the one hand, I am sort of fascinated by that RPG concept, and would like to see how it goes. On the other, my inner child is crying so much.

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

RIONA, I DON'T EVEN READ DEATH NOTE (NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY NOT YET - WILL GET AROUND TO IT EVENTUALLY) AND I DEMAND YOU WRITE THIS.

[rionaleonhart]

You should read Death Note! And then you should write this.

[scrap-blitz.livejournal.com]

...
I have never even seen Top Gear, but I can still sense that something epic and profound has happened with that fic snippet.

[rionaleonhart]

You've never seen Top Gear?

All right, this is a state of affairs that must be remedied. Please watch this:

one
two
three

In which three men try, rather ineptly, to make cars amphibious, and then drive them across a large body of water.

It is pretty amazing.

[scrap-blitz.livejournal.com]

... there's seasons and seasons of this?

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

And they make a spaceship! Sort of. Or at least attempt it. There's a process to this, which involves a dog in a wind tunnel.

[scrap-blitz.livejournal.com]

... it reminds me of something.

... Mythbusters maybe?

[rionaleonhart]

It has been compared to Mythbusters. And there are indeed many series! (They're only six to ten hour-long episodes each, though, which may seem a small number to someone from overseas.)

Have the ridiculous caravan holiday as well: one, two, three.

[bubbles-san.livejournal.com]

I had never noticed the lack of accented e in Gold/Silver before! Most curious. (And of course I just got out my copy to see for myself.)

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

But, but, but...you have to write it! The universe may end if you don't! Riona, that fic is your destiny!

Jeremy using the Death Note to kill terrible cars! The Stig swapping them back! "It is a Hyundai Accent"! Come on!

Richard could be deeply outraged that Jeremy's going after 911s!

[rionaleonhart]

I've already spoiled the ending, though!

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

It can be like Death Note! We all know who the killer is, and the interestingness is watching other people/society at large react to it!

[ms-katonic.livejournal.com]

Write the Death Note crossover! Please!!! It'll be funny!

[rionaleonhart]

It's quite dark, though, isn't it? I don't know how at ease I am with writing such a silly story about, essentially, murder.

Yes, all right, I did write that story in which Jeremy was an assassin. Erm.

[nefersitra.livejournal.com]

I think RPF (even Top Gear) is awful and I have no interest in Death Note (yet) and I want to read the rest of the crossover

[rionaleonhart]

I had a massive aversion to RPF before I discovered Top Gear, and I still have the occasional bout of RPF-guilt. This is possibly the reason so much of my real-person fiction deals with the ridiculous and the impossible: bodyswap or ridiculous crossovers are far enough removed from reality for me to feel less like I'm writing about real people.

Not that you were asking for my thoughts on RPF. Ahem. I suppose I'm just trying to make clear that, although I am an RPF writer, I recognise that it's a tricky area. I'm a good person! Really!

[cobecat.livejournal.com]

Is that Rocket Grunt the one with the ridiculous accent? Because I liked him. He always seemed to have more of a backstory than he was telling. XD

[rionaleonhart]

I do not think I have yet come across a Rocket Grunt with a ridiculous accent, but I'll keep an eye out for him, because I love the Rockets who are given a little more depth.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

This is quite possibly the weirdest question you've ever been asked.

Let's say you were Derren Brown, and you'd given three Top Gear presenters amnesia as part of your plot to learn the real identity of the Stig. While faking amnesia yourself, you went on a search of the warehouse you'd rigged with strategic clues, and discovered, unbeknownst to you, a room full of dehydrated duck carcasses. The other person in the room was amnesiac James May, who was very keen on you not touching him.

What would you do?

[rionaleonhart]

I imagine I would enquire about the fate of the ducks.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

I'm slightly embarrassed that I didn't think of that.

Also, you've given me an interestingly complicated idea for how the ducks got there, and why they were dehydrated. (Poor Derren's having a bad day. James doesn't want to be touched by him which is ruining some of his NLP techniques, Richard still won't go near him or be alone with him, and Jeremy's generally being Jeremy.)

[renquise.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, I hope you don't mind lurkers popping in, but I think that Top Gear/Death Note crossover just made my DAY. GLORIOUS. I think I especially love that Richard and James's first reaction upon finding a body on their track is not to call the police, but to ask Jeremy what he's done now.

[rionaleonhart]

I love lurkers popping in! Hello!

I am sure that James and Richard find bodies on the track all the time. Jeremy is almost always the party responsible.

[misskass.livejournal.com]

Oh so that's what those blank pages were for. I've been reading New Moon over recent times because until now I've never read past Twilight, and I was very perplexed as to why those months were all blank. Mainly because I don't give a damn about Bella and want more of the book to be about the Adventures of Jacob and His Car and His Motorbikes and His Not Being a Werewolf Because That Made Him Into a Bit of a Jerk.

[amy-wolf.livejournal.com]

the Adventures of Jacob and His Car and His Motorbikes and His Not Being a Werewolf Because That Made Him Into a Bit of a Jerk.

I would so read that version.

[rionaleonhart]

Obviously those blank pages are there solely so we can fill them in. Thank you for making your novel interactive, Mrs Meyer; we shall enjoy taking advantage of it.

(I did try to read New Moon, but I've never been able to finish it. It is all right to have things happen in your novels, Meyer.)

[rimon.livejournal.com]

New Moon, after Edward leaves Bella, contains a series of blank pages apparently intended to reflect the blankness of Bella's soul and the emptiness of her life in his absence.

...Seriously? Man. Twilight. -shakes head-

I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts about Pokemon Gold! It brings back lots of fond memories. I remember that Rocket Grunt! <3

I loved your Top Gear/Death Note crossover. I pretty much died at "Cara".

[rionaleonhart]

It's true, I'm afraid. I thought about half the things I've learnt about Twilight were jokes or exaggerations at first, but they are all true.

I am hugely and deeply ashamed of myself for 'Cara', but, er, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[rimon.livejournal.com]

I want to read the Twilight books out of morbid curiosity, but I don't want to actually spend any money on them...

Cara is so terrible, it's awesome.

[sunlightdances.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I haven't heard of Death Note, but that fic sounds AWESOME.

[rionaleonhart]

Death Note is an excellent crossover fandom. Think of any character, and ask yourself what s/he would do if s/he were to acquire a notebook that killed anyone whose name was written in it. Instant crossover idea!

[adelate]

New Moon, after Edward leaves Bella, contains a series of blank pages apparently intended to reflect the blankness of Bella's soul and the emptiness of her life in his absence.

...

Is it normal that I think I'm laughing and crying at the same time at this?!

[hurricanine.livejournal.com]

'Why - why do Team Rocket react to your breaking into their base by challenging you to a fair Pokémon battle? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to have their Pokémon attack you?

Obviously the people of the Pokémon world operate on a higher since of morals than we possess. Besides, even though Pokémon obey their trainers loyally, they do have free will and might refuse to attack another human.


My favorite Pokémon moment had to be reaching the Elite Four and fighting Lance in Crystal, playing as a girl. It really seemed like he was flirting with you, and I always had such a crush on him.

Another favorite is during the Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald line, I always named my female character 'Destiny,' because at one point Champion Steven (who I also had a crush on) says something about '[Your name], it was destiny that we were to meet' or something along those lines, and it made me giggle every time, because obviously I'm five.

[rionaleonhart]

Besides, even though Pokémon obey their trainers loyally, they do have free will and might refuse to attack another human.

Ooh, that's a good point. (Only in the gameverse, though, because in the anime Pikachu seems to have no qualms about blowing Team Rocket up.)

'Destiny, it was destiny that were to meet' makes me laugh quite a lot. I don't know why you would want to make the line a character on whom you had a crush said ten times worse, but a thumbs-up to you.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

No, you SHOULD write it. Jeremy would threaten Richard with killing Oliver, Richard and James would retaliate by stealing the Death Note, at which point Richard would want to kill one of Jeremy's cars while James insists on doing the right thing, and killing caravans instead.