rionaleonhart | LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME NOW

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LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME NOW

So. The Da Vinci Code.

I'll grant that I was already pretty set against this film when I walked into the cinema, because I didn't like the book. I didn't like the fact that the plot was clearly a thin veil for propaganda, I didn't like the lectures in which Dan Brown flaunted his knowledge through Robert Langdon and had the students gasp and clasp their hands in sparkly-eyed admiration, I didn't like the clumsy writing style:

Grabbing the gilded frame, the seventy-six-year-old man heaved the masterpiece toward himself until it tore from the wall and Saunière collapsed backward in a heap beneath the canvas.

This is the third sentence. The third sentence of the book. At this point we haven't been told that there is anyone but Saunière around, so surely it would make more sense to use 'he'. BUT NO. WE GET AN EPITHET AND HIS NAME AGAIN. IN THE SAME SENTENCE, WHICH MAKES IT SOUND AS IF THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT MEN INVOLVED. Dude, if you want to 'casually' drop in the fact that he's seventy-six, do it in a way that makes more sense. Please.

Anyway! This ranting about the book is a leadup to my saying that my entire immediate family went to see the film: my mother, father, myself and my two brothers. Of those five people, two had never read the book and three had read it but disliked it.

This begs the question: why on Earth did we go to see it?

The world may never know.

EXCUSE ME SILAS? BLUE EYES? YOU ARE THE WORST ALBINO EVER.

I hope I wasn't the only person who originally thought 'OMG TRIDENT', rather than 'OMG PITCHFORK'. Why are all the people in Robert Langdon's lecture audience Christians? Also, when they see a statue holding a child, do people's minds really automatically jump to the Madonna and Child? I just think 'IT IS A STATUE WITH A BABY LOL'.

I think that what I'm trying to say here is that I know nothing about Christianity. Well, I know that the pitchfork is a symbol of the Devil, but if I see a large three-pronged fork my mind will generally leap to 'trident' unless there's something overtly devilish about it.

Robert Langdon was clearly relying on his audience saying 'OMG IT IS THIS CHRISTIAN SYMBOL THAT IT IS NOT' so he could say 'HA HA NO IT IS NOT YOU STUPID AUDIENCE. LOOK AT ME BEING ALL CLEVER AND PATRONISING'. I hated that in the book, and I hated it here. I wish one of them had said 'it's a trident!', because I'd have liked to see his reaction to a member of his audience actually being right, God forbid.

That car crash damn near gave me a heart attack. HATE YOU FILMMAKERS HATE YOU SO MUCH. (It didn't help that, on the way home, my dad had to brake sharply in order to avoid hitting a squirrel. YEARS OFF MY LIFE.)

I also started (although not nearly so badly) when Silas suddenly attacked in Teabing's house, but the row behind us cracked up laughing, and so of course we couldn't help laughing when he suddenly attacked Sophie in the church.

Sophie had much more chemistry with Silas than with Langdon. A Sophie/Silas plot would have made the whole thing so much better and also on-crack. (Sophie was generally a tiny bit incredibly useless, wasn't she? I'm sure she did a little more than stand around and look pretty in the book.)

I rather liked Teabing the Mad Old Englishman (of course he's evil! He's British! Ah, the curse of having a vaguely scheming, sinister accent), even if I was having confusing thoughts of House at his limping and Awesome Cane Attack. There was a collective snigger in the cinema during that 'LOOK AT ME, I'M BRITISH. BRITISH BRITISH BRITISH. I LIKE TEA AND HATE COFFEE AND KEEP MY COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD AND AM PROUD OF THE ROWING PROWESS OF OXFORD. BRITISH.' scene.

I wonder whether there are lots of mad Da Vinci fans taking pickaxes to that place in the Louvre.

Random things said after the film:

Alison (mother): I really enjoyed that!
Alaric (father): ...really?
Alison: It was much better than other films I've seen lately. I was hooked.
Alaric: When that guy said 'thank God this bullshit is over' in the middle, I thought that was it.

Alison: I thought it was rather sweet that they found that mad albino monk a 'safe house' in which to flagellate himself.

Joseph (brother): Well, the book was written to be adapted into a film, wasn't it? I mean, it had a British bad guy -
Alison: He wasn't a bad guy! Was he?
Entire Family: ...

This entire entry was totally just an excuse to use my 'shut up dan brown' tag.

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*grins wryly* You point out the same "textbook exposition" that I despised. And I stopped reading after Chapter One, 'cause I just couldn't take it anymore. I'd have killed less brain cells using it to bash in my skull, I'm sure. ;)

It's one of those things you do just to see why there's a fuss. That, or for Ian McKellen. *amused*

Yeah, pitchforks are actually less common than tridents. Especially in an art history context. A statue holding a child likewise could be any number of sculptures or paintings, not just that particular one. The Madonna and Child are like the most painted subject ever at the time, second only to crucified!Jesus.

(I was such an Art History nerd.)

Mmm, British. *coughs*

So it was better than expected? Considering?

It was certainly better than the book, because it didn't have all that painful painful prose to slog through, and there were fewer 'OH ROBERT YOU'RE SO HANDSOME AND BRILLIANT AND WONDERFUL' lecture scenes. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would - I went in there fully expecting to stalk out in disgust during the first hour or so, but, although it dragged on a bit, it wasn't too bad.

I did originally read the book just to see what all the fuss was about, but having read it, er, I'm still not entirely sure.

Robert Langdon is Marty Stu... that actually makes sense. Author Insert made to be brilliant.

Ah, so not as bad as the critics, but worse than whatever crazed fans are out there. *nods* I may wrangle a ticket with family sometime (a few of them are fans).

Yeah, it's just for the scandal, or something.

I went to see it yesterday too, and I'd just like to add this: 'OMG have cut self while shaving; looks like trident in sink. Must now seek out end to quest, when you thought it was already pretty much over. Ominous shaving reminders for the win.'

I never really saw what the fuss was all about with the Da Vinci Code. I mean, sure, some people think it's a good book and that's fair enough (if you have no preference for you know, quality writing) but really, it's essentially an airport novel. It's like making a fuss over a book you got free with Now Magazine. Only, with more prejudice against British people and added 'We must get to the library!' fun.

That bit at the end made me want to cry. 'It's over! It's over! Everything has been resolved, and now I can escape this stifling cinema! ...WHAT DO YOU MEAN ROBERT LANGDON IS STILL DOING STUFF?'

I cannot for the life of me understand the hype. I can understand the fuss over Harry Potter, because the books are fun and reasonably well-written and there are some great ideas in there. The Da Vinci Code is just painful to read.

BRITISH PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS EVIL. ALWAYS.

He wasn't even doing stuff though, he was just kneeling on top of the glass pane of the Louvre, which I'd like to point out seemed slightly odd, because I've been there at night and it is not that quiet. Paris at night is like Buchanan Street on a Saturday afternoon, and I'm almost certain you're not allowed to walk across that glass panel, and no-one commented that I saw, so, um, what?

Very definitely painful. If I remember right, the book even makes a joke about Harry Potter. Something to do with the most famous book in history, and whoever says it of course means the Bible, but whoever else is there makes a smart-ass comment about Harry Potter. Sign #1 that your book isn't the best quality - the jokes have are gonna have a damn short shelf-life. Actually, sorry, that's #2 - #1: the jokes aren't funny.

...Teabing?

Really?

Yes. Because apparently, in Britain, we are so obsessed with tea that we are all named after it. My own surname is Teapot*. (Surprisingly, although I do not like tea, I have not had my citizenship revoked.)

I was rather hoping that they'd pronounce it 'Tebbing' in the film, just because the 'LOOK AT ME I'M BRITISH I'M SO SO VERY BRITISH' thing was getting a little wearying, but no.

*this is a lie.

At least it wasn't Teabag, I suppose.

Which I totally didn't misread it as.

Not one bit.

EXCUSE ME SILAS? BLUE EYES? YOU ARE THE WORST ALBINO EVER.

Sorry about that. Most human albinos have blue-grey eyes, and even those who do have red eyes tend to wear blue contacts. You are not gonna see a human albino with red eyes unless you're searching for one. (I know that one, because I remember reading a fic in which Raiden of MGS2 ~~fame~~ notoriety was described as being an albino and I thought 'that can't be right' and researched.)

But!

I am now determined to see this movie just to laugh at how flabberghastingly awful it is.

Really? My friend's mother is an albino with red eyes, so I kind of assumed that all human albinos had them, given that albino animals seemed to.

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Oh yes! I don't know what part of London they went to in the film, but it was all very nice and quaint and not polluted or overcrowded at all, and it had those lovely red telephone boxes that you can never find anywhere any more.

...

Now I want to see the film just so I'll know whether I agree with your post or not =( I hated the book as well, so I resolved not to see the film. DAMN YOU.

Heh, sorry.

I'm trying to identify everyone in your icon. Nine, dunno, dunno (possibly Dr. Octopus?), House, JD, Ten, Cox, apparently Jack but I don't know him.

...this is going to drive me insane.

My work is done! =D

...and there's the other one, just for completeness.

...how can you not recognise A: Simon and B: The Doctor?

He's the doctor

Icon = win. Ahahahaha.

Wait, so the book is yet even more annoying? Also, note how Langdon only said the pentacle symbolised how speshul women were and not that it was used to denote perfection in general which would make more sense as Dead Guy was trying to be all 'Look at me! I'm hinting at Da Vinci by lying here like the perfect man! And since my beat up old body isn't THAT perfect, I shall paint the symbol ON MY CHEST'

Also, how much time did Dead Guy have left before he died anyway? He crawled all over the damn place! Silas is such a sucky killer.

The book is so much more annoying. For one thing, with the mirror-writing bit, it has this supposedly brilliant Langdon sitting there and scratching his head and saying 'WHAT CAN THIS MEAN? IT LOOKS LIKE NO LANGUAGE THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. THESE PUZZLES ARE SO DIFFICULT AND INTELLECTUAL LOL'.

Even though it is COMPLETELY OBVIOUS?

Wow. I think this book is more annoying than certain Stargate episodes! (Which had a linguist going: 3, 14, 15, 9... WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!)

...cnoi?

Coin? Or, er, isn't 'cnoi' Welsh for something? 'To bite', according to Google. Or am I completely on the wrong track?

...yes, apparently I cannot solve this either. I will now hide in shame.

3.14159.

As the astrophysicist already said: IT'S PI!

XD This entire post (and most of the comments) have had me in stitches. Oh, Dan Brown, you complete ass. The Da Vinci Code really, really should be something we never talk about. The writing is awful ~~and yet still kept me up till the wee hours of the morning~~. Why are we not all hiding it behind better books on our bookshelves? ...I do enjoy watching hardcore Bible thumpers get their panties in a twist about it, though.

British people = ALWAYS ALWAYS EVIL. It comes from a childhood of, you know, being a British child. That's an entire 12 year span of singing jumprope songs in a slow, eerie fashion from dark corners of creepy locations.

The car-chase scene, though. XD I was too busy going, "That's the cutest, teeniest car in the entire world! It's like someone took a regular car and squished it up! It's like a bug! It's like a squished bug! Only cute!" and then the scene was over and I'd missed all of the drama and suspense and that's okay because THEY SO WEREN'T GOING TO KILL THE TWO MAIN CHARACTERS IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES OMG NO SUSPENSE.

Alison: I thought it was rather sweet that they found that mad albino monk a 'safe house' in which to flagellate himself.

It was. It's nice that mad albinos are getting some love. ~~It probably didn't hurt that he was Paul Bettany.~~

The writing is awful ~~and yet still kept me up till the wee hours of the morning~~.

Yeah, I cannot for the life of me figure out why I kept reading it. I would just sit around with it open on my lap and mentally scream 'WHY AM I STILL READING THIS BOOK? I DON'T LIKE THIS BOOK!'

It annoys me that the people who hate it always seem to hate it for the theological controversy and not because it is a bloody awful book. I mean, seriously. Hate it for the right reasons, please.

The movie would have been so much better if they had killed the two main characters in the first twenty minutes. Then the rest of it would have been Teabing fighting his way to the information about the Grail with his canes (with lots of Matrix-y fight scenes, naturally), and eventually he would have found out that yeah, the only living descendant of Jesus kind of just died. After the credits, Dr. Cox would have come onscreen to berate anyone who actually believed the book. It would have been glorious.

This book is like drugs. Bad, bad drugs. There should be support groups. There should be interventions where all of your friends crowd into your bedroom at FOUR AM BECAUSE YOU'RE AWAKE READING IT and tell you that you have a problem and that they still love you and they're going to get you some help. And then they'll replace it with, like, The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde and all will be well.

XD Your plot would have been so much better. More Ian McKellen + cane!fighting + crushing disappointment! Teabing and House should have gone on the quest together, and then at the end, Teabing would betray House and they'd have an awesome CANE!FIGHT TO THE DEATH and House would walk away by revealing at the last minute that he really *is* British and this would make Teabing show some mercy (hoping that maybe they can settle this in a peaceful, mild British manner over a cup of tea) and then House will just brain him and limp away, snickering.

I imagine that Dr. Cox has had several tantrums over Dan Brown. Several of these probably involved whacking JD over the head with the book. One may have involved storming into the theater and dumping JD's popcorn over his head and then dragging him out by his collar ~~so they can have sex in the movie!theater!bathroom~~.

This is probably the greatest comment that I have ever received. Ever. I want to print it out and frame it and hang it on my wall.

Someone has got to write that Teabing-and-House-CANEFIGHT TO THE DEATH crossover, and Dr. Cox getting annoyed with JD's Da Vinci Code fannishness, and seriously, you are the awesomest person ever.

I swear I'll rewatch the film JUST TO WRITE IT FOR YOU RIONA.

Oh, dear, I wouldn't want to feel responsible for exposing you to any more Dan Brown than necessary! (But it would be amazing.)

I got about three pages into the book and handed it back to my mother with a disgusted face. I can stand the film again IF ONLY FOR IAN MCKELLEN AND ALFRED MOLINA.

and the frenchman. captain fache.

because god damn House-vs-Teabing NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Teabing and House should have gone on the quest together, and then at the end, Teabing would betray House and they'd have an awesome CANE!FIGHT TO THE DEATH and House would walk away by revealing at the last minute that he really *is* British and this would make Teabing show some mercy (hoping that maybe they can settle this in a peaceful, mild British manner over a cup of tea) and then House will just brain him and limp away, snickering.

I LOVE YOU.

I. Agree.

I started reading DaVinci and stopped after about two chapters because oh-my-god, can we get any more patronising? We don't need things spelled out for us Dan. And Red Herrings are fantastic. Just don't leave us whopping great tunas around the corner, yeah?

Also, ROFL BAD ALBINO, BAD!

Thank you, mysterious stranger! (You are clearly one of the lucky ones with the willpower to actually stop reading it, rather than being drawn into its evil, hideously-poorly-written-but-inexplicably-compelling clutches. I salute you.)

hehe, I got here on geekgirlofdoom's tip (and pimped this in my journal - it's just fantastic!)

Not will power, no, it just burned my eyes.
However, I'm going to try it again, emphasis on the try, just so I can plausibly explain exactly why I detest it such.
Gah!

Also: I saw an excert last night, and as much as I love Paul Bettany - WORST ALBINO EVAAAAHH. it's like, official now.

Haha, icons need to be made!!

I read the book, hated it, and am avoiding the movie. But your recaps are hilarious as always. :D

Your mum and I have the same name! And in this context it's a bit embarrassing since she didn't get that Teabing was the bad guy, wtf? Actually that would be the only reason to go - I love Ian McKellen.

You know, I find it rather interesting that, although we're always hearing about how everyone's obsessed with it, I don't think I've ever met anyone, online or off, who actually thought The Da Vinci Code was a good book. I think that its supposed popularity is an enormous and slightly bizarre hoax.

EXCUSE ME SILAS? BLUE EYES? YOU ARE THE WORST ALBINO EVER.

I hope I wasn't the only person who originally thought 'OMG TRIDENT', rather than 'OMG PITCHFORK'. Why are all the people in Robert Langdon's lecture audience Christians? Also, when they see a statue holding a child, do people's minds really automatically jump to the Madonna and Child? I just think 'IT IS A STATUE WITH A BABY LOL'.
When I can stop laughing I will comment because o lawd you make me lulz. :D Okay herewego;

THANKYOU FOR HATING THE BOOK. It makes me happy to be agreed with (even though I'm agreeing with you first or something wtf anyway y'know'msayin') I couldn't read it all because I have attention span problems and O YES IT ABSOLUTELY SUCKED. The main character Robface or whatever just HAY LOOK HOW SMART I AM I KNOW STUFF ABOUT JESUS LOL RELIGIONS - djfsbfjh I don't even want to put into words why I hate the book, you know? I just want to keyboard mash it all out. When I am in the book shop and people say "o that book is ace" I cringe and silently judge them (although I am always capslocking inside of my head) and.. and... this rapidly descended into crazy, a lot worse than I thought it would, but I think my point is clear. DAN BROWN SHOULD STFU and your tag = best.tag.ever.

It warms my heart when other people hate The Da Vinci Code, seriously.

ALSO I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING AT 'ROBFACE'. 'ROBFACE' IS GENIUS. I WANT TO REPLACE EVERY INSTANCE OF 'ROBERT' IN THE BOOK WITH 'ROBFACE' AND IT WILL BE ONE THOUSAND TIMES BETTER AND I WILL BE A ZILLIONAIRE.

Wow. I...really don't want to read the book now.

Oh, and btw, blue is the second most COMMON color for albino eyes. the redeye things is just a myth. Grey is most common, because of the pigment thing and after that, blue, There are some albinos that even have green eyes. Xp

XD BRITISH.

Yeah...Dan Brown?...needs to stop.

...YEAH, WELL, UH, I KNOW A REDEYED ALBINO SO THERE. MY EXPERIENCE IS ALL THERE IS. SILLY SAASKI.

WELL, ERM, I WAS ONCE ASKED IF I WAS AN ALBINO. SO THERE.

(O_o I have dark brown hair. They wondered if I had dyed it X.x)

EXCUSE ME SILAS? BLUE EYES? YOU ARE THE WORST ALBINO EVER.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Also LOL BRITISH. I lol'd insanely.

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LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME NOW

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