rionaleonhart | You Know, He Wasn't Really On Fire.

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fandom recs,
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harry potter,
top gear,
we all love hearing about dreams right?,
whose line

You Know, He Wasn't Really On Fire.

So. Whose Line Is It Anyway US. I would have gone hunting for clips to link you to, but I'm much too lazy, so I am going to link you to

gayjunglefever's post that has many fantastic clips from it.

The backstory for my involvement in this is fairly simple.

gayjunglefever, rather pleased by my having taken to Top Gear like a Jeremy Clarkson to cars, said something to the effect of 'NOW WATCH THESE WHOSE LINE CLIPS, WENCH'. My first thought was 'ehh, I probably won't watch them'; my second was 'wait, when has she ever led me astray?'; my third was 'OH MY GOD THAT GUY HAS TO PRETEND TO BE VARIOUS CELEBRITIES BEING SLOWLY STEAMROLLERED?'; and from then on I was in love.

It is not shown on UK television, which makes me very sad. Therefore, any good clips on YouTube will always be greatly appreciated, as it's the only way I can see it.

I think that Wayne is probably the best individual on Whose Line, because he can be fantastic on his own. I can think 'OMG WAYNE IS AMAZING' (have you seen him being a novelty singing fish?), but when it comes to Ryan or Colin I tend to think 'OMG RYAN-AND-COLIN ARE AMAZING'. They're still great alone, but they feel somehow incomplete when they're not working together. Wayne doesn't need anyone else to be hilarious. (Ryan and Colin together beat Wayne on his own, though.)

(Shortly after reaching these conclusions, I visited

gayjunglefever's journal to find that her opinions were pretty much exactly the same as mine. This is obviously further proof that we are, in fact, the same person.)

Whose Line is completely ridiculous, but absolutely hilarious. The contestants constantly make fun of each other and the longsuffering Drew Carey. They flirt shamelessly with each other and with the audience. In one clip, during which I almost died of laughter, Colin plays a man who is turned on by danger and Ryan a ravenous boa constrictor. I think you can see where this is going. (Everyone else teases them so much! I love it!)

On the topic of my shameful shameful newfound interest in RPS, I love the Top Gear boys. Clarkson, trying to work out what an odd little compartment in a car can possibly be for, eventually concludes that it is the perfect size and shape for a stick of celery ("And that's a level of thoughtfulness you don't usually find. In most cars I've driven the celery just rolls around on the floor, which can be quite dangerous."). They clearly didn't have a clue what they were talking about when they were trying to discuss the merits of different vans, and they looked so shamefaced about it! And then there was Hammond's van overturning - "if he is dead and you'd like to take his place, write to us at 'I'm Better Than Richard Hammond Was'..." - and May losing four million points, and oh I love them so.

Someday I may actually compile a list of all the thousands of stories that I desperately want to see written one day. For now, I will mention just one: if someone writes a Clarkson/Hammond/May fic, set in a car, in which Clarkson is thinking about the car the whole time, I will be a very happy person.

...I recently had a dream about Jeremy Clarkson being in the next Harry Potter movie. While I'd be very amused if it proved prophetic, I'd be rather worried that the other part of my dream - the part about my being kidnapped and posted to Scandinavia in a box - would come true as well.

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Hahaha, oh man, you've got the reviews DOWN! It is horrible that I can easily imagine this sort of thing happening on the show?

""Well, and they're dangerous. If you're on a broom you can grip with your legs, but you could easily just fall off a carpet."

Richard blinked nervously and tightened his grip on the edge."

Hee. Aww, poor Hamster.

"James didn't realise exactly how true those words were, as he had no idea that, at the precise moment he was saying them, the tail of Jeremy's broom was on fire."

Yay! I mean, er, poor Jeremy. How did he manage that?

----

Have some of my crazy crossover:

“They can’t have the Stig! He’s ours!” Richard said indignantly. “It’d be like us asking them if we could borrow one of their jet planes for our show.”

“D’you think we can do that?” Jeremy asked.

“What for? What would we need a jet plane for?” James wondered. “We already sort of proved a car is faster than a plane, what else can we do?”

“I’m sure we can think of something we could do with a jet plane,” Jeremy said.

“That’s besides the point. Why does the US want our Stig?” Richard leaned over to read the e-mail properly. “Ah. It’s for a military top-secret operation, and they’re not allowed to talk to us about it. They’re pretty much ordering us to send the Stig over, and no questions asked.”

The three men looked at each other. “Shall I tell them to sod off or do you want to do it?” Jeremy asked the other two.

“Hang on, you can’t just *tell* the US Air Force to sod off,” James said. “It might be considered an act of war or something.”

-----

Next to him, Daniel decided to try another tactic. “Look, Stig. Is it okay if I call you Stig, or is ‘the’ your first name?” He asked.

The Stig stared impassively at him, arms folded over his chest.

“I’ll, er, Stig it is then. You must be wondering why we asked you, and how we knew where you are,” Daniel said.

The Stig continued to stare at him, giving no sign of having even heard the question.

---

Daniel was surprised he was interrupted like that, but tried to talk to the Stig some more. “Stig, we know who you are, and I don’t just mean that you’re the best driver on this planet. We *know* where you’re from. Really from,” Daniel said, hoping he had gotten the message across.

The Stig didn’t react.

“Go on, tell us then,” The short one said. “Where is our Stig from?”

And that's pretty much what I have so far. Hurrah!

Oooo... can't wait to read this :D

I can't wait to read about the caravanning trip!

Heh, ok, since you let us have a bit of the stargate thing, here's the opening... I hope

rionaleonhart doesn't mind me doing this on her LJ...

*-*-*-*

This hadn't gone well.

"Drink your tea, dear; you've had a nasty shock."

Richard looked down at the chintz pattern travel mug that had just been pushed into his hands; some form of barely-tepid white-brown dishwater slopped malevolently over the sides. He briefly considered fobbing it off on TG – if that couldn't be construed as animal cruelty – but the old woman's expression brooked no argument, so he held his breath as best he could and downed it in one.

He supposed he should be thankful the other two weren't here to laugh at him, at least. Jeremy was too busy shouting at the fire to notice he'd been spirited away by the batshit old biddy from yesterday, but James had just laughed from behind the fire engine as she'd dragged him away by the shirtsleeve while he clung forlornly to TG's lead in the vain hope the dog would weigh him down.

This hadn't gone well at all.

Hahahaha! Old Lady strikes again! Poor Richard :D.

Still, shouldn't that be TGD rather than TG?

And I'm sure Riona won't mind. I've been posting bits of my crossover as well.

"Jeremy was too busy shouting at the fire"

He so would.

Hahahaha! Old Lady strikes again! Poor Richard :D.

He's getting his just deserts, you'll see ;)

Still, shouldn't that be TGD rather than TG?

That's what I thought, but I'm going on what passes for Top Gear canon here, sad as this is to admit... Hammond has a column in the newspaper mum gets, and last week he was waxing lyrical about the dog, bizzarely. He said she gets TG for short at home. So there you go, I'm an anorak, and I wish I'd known about his column before because it's funny.

Aww, you tease!

Haha, you're doing your research, aren't you? And waxing lyrical about the dog? That amuses me greatly, considering the RP threads where he was about to run off with it!

Of course I don't mind! My journal is full of lovely Top Gear fic now; why would I object?

That is the most horrible description of tea ever. Jeremy shouting at the fire is fantastic - I absolutely love it, it's just such a Clarksonish thing to do.

James had just laughed from behind the fire engine as she'd dragged him away by the shirtsleeve while he clung forlornly to TG's lead in the vain hope the dog would weigh him down.

This image is so bizarrely adorable. I love James laughing at him - he obviously gets such a thri.

...FINE, COMMENT, GO AHEAD AND POST YOURSELF BEFORE I'VE FINISHED WRITING YOU.

What I was going to say was that James has made a sport out of making Richard uncomfortable (the flirting! the flirting!), so I'm sure he'd find Hammond being kidnapped by a madwoman incredibly entertaining.

"James has made a sport out of making Richard uncomfortable (the flirting! the flirting!)"

I take it you saw the Oslo trip? With the Hamster Dance?

I am now also a member of the topgearslash community. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH THAT!

I think I'm about as embarrassed about that as Richard on the caravan journey.

I am now also a member of the topgearslash community. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH THAT!

I've applied to join too...

“They can’t have the Stig! He’s ours!” Richard said indignantly. “It’d be like us asking them if we could borrow one of their jet planes for our show.”

“D’you think we can do that?” Jeremy asked.

Ahahaha! You just know Jeremy would think that. And I love that the Stig is the equivalent of a plane, rather than a person. And Clarkson telling the US air forces to sod off! AND HAMMOND IS 'THE SHORT ONE' OH HOW HE WOULD HATE THAT.

Although Jeremy swore insistently that Richard had sabotaged his broom, the true reason for its bursting into flame was obvious to anyone who cared to examine the footage: becoming increasingly cold and uncomfortable, he had decided to create an invisible bubble of warmth around himself with magic. Unfortunately he had become so caught up in methods of magical transport that he had never really bothered to actually learn any magic, and so resorted to making random wand movements, convinced that something would have to happen, at least.

In the ensuing emergency landing, desperate search for water and somewhat shamefaced visit to a broomstick repair shop, he lost the lead by a quite considerable margin.

"to create an invisible bubble of warmth around himself with magic. Unfortunately he had become so caught up in methods of magical transport that he had never really bothered to actually learn any magic, and so resorted to making random wand movements, convinced that something would have to happen, at least.

In the ensuing emergency landing, desperate search for water and somewhat shamefaced visit to a broomstick repair shop, he lost the lead by a quite considerable margin."

BEST WAY EVER.

Oh god, Jeremy buying a wand from poor Mr. Ollivander. Oh god. Do I want to KNOW what he did to the poor birds with magic? And does this mean Richard and James have wands too?

You must write a bit in the broomstick repairshop! It sounds too brilliant!

"AND HAMMOND IS 'THE SHORT ONE' OH HOW HE WOULD HATE THAT."

From the Stargate POV, Richard is 'the short one', Jeremy is 'the loud one', and I think I described James as 'in dire need of a haircut'.

Oh dear God, there are so many scenes that need to be written. I AM NEVER GOING TO ESCAPE THIS CROSSOVER EVER.

From the Stargate POV, Richard is 'the short one', Jeremy is 'the loud one', and I think I described James as 'in dire need of a haircut'.

I absolutely love you.

"It's a bit like Aladdin, isn't it?" James asked, leaning back on his elbows as they flew over Russia at night.

"If you start singing 'A Whole New World', I am going to kill you. I swear it."

James couldn't resist such temptation. "I can show you the world - "

"Stop it!"

"Shining, shimmering - Hammond!"

The footage of the next few seconds was dark and chaotic. Richard insisted afterwards that he had been desperately trying to scramble away from the clearly insane James, while James claimed that Richard had flung himself at him, either to kill him or because he just couldn't resist the allure of his off-key singing. Whatever it was, something happened that pitched Richard Hammond off the carpet and into the cold night air.

-
"Now, as you can see, this broom is fitted with headlights. You may not have noticed them before, for the very good reason that they weren't there." If that silly flying camera-ball was actually getting a clear recording of this, he was going to eat his remaining hair. "Technically I'm not supposed to modify this broom, but cheating has always been an important part of the Top Gear tradition. My point is that, if you go to buy the Cirrus MX, don't expect it to come with headlights, because it doesn't. I don't understand these people. They're able to make bits of wood shoot through the air, but not one of them ever thought 'hmm, perhaps it might be useful to be able to see at night'? You know what; forget it. Just buy a car. If I'm interpreting that dark shape up there correctly, I'm just about to encounter another flock of stupid geese."

-
James stared for a moment, unable to believe what had just happened, before scrambling to the edge of the carpet and grabbing the wand in his belt. He tried Summoning him - "Accio Hammond!" - without effect, and then gripped the side as hard as he could and kicked the carpet into a dive. Richard had already fallen so far that he couldn't even tell where he was, let alone catch him, but he had to try.

James was just beginning to give up hope and wonder how to break the news to Richard's family when a broom hoved into view carrying two people, the passenger in the back with his arms tightly wrapped around the waist of the man in front.

"He's trying to commit suicide already, May?" Jeremy called. "Were you talking about true airspeed again?"

"You did not just catch him," James said in disbelief.

"Oh, I think I did."

"James couldn't resist such temptation. "I can show you the world - "

HE SO WOULD! HE SO WOULD!

"The footage of the next few seconds was dark and chaotic. Richard insisted afterwards that he had been desperately trying to scramble away from the clearly insane James, while James claimed that Richard had flung himself at him, either to kill him or because he just couldn't resist the allure of his off-key singing."

Hahahaha! Also YES!

Jeremy pimped his broom! Ha!

Hey, would the wizarding world have something like Pimp Your Broom?

ACCIO HAMMOND!

And Jeremy caught him! HAHAHA!

"He's trying to commit suicide already, May?" Jeremy called. "Were you talking about true airspeed again?"

HEEE

"You couldn't have caught him," James said, staring at Jeremy's passenger. He certainly looked like Richard, but that was obviously impossible. "How were you able to see him in this light?"

Jeremy suddenly looked shifty, and, after a moment, James realised why.

"...Did you strap headlights to the front of your broom?"

"I wanted it to feel more carlike," Jeremy said with a shrug.

"That's cheating!" Richard said indignantly. "No modifications, remember?"

"That just saved your life! Do you really think I'd have seen you in time otherwise?" He switched them on, illuminating the space around them with a light quite adequate for spotting a falling Richard Hammond. "I'd sort of hoped you wouldn't notice, but you cunningly tricked me into revealing them by almost getting yourself killed."

Richard, torn between relief at being saved and rage at the fact that he had been saved by a cheating Jeremy Clarkson, made an odd noise that could have been interpreted in a dozen different ways and hastily withdrew his arms from Jeremy's waist when he realised that one of them was lust.

"It's cold, Hammond," James said, with the subtlest of evil smiles. "Get back on the carpet. We can huddle together for warmth."

Richard's eyes widened. "Er, I think I'll just stay here with Jeremy, thanks."

"You will not," Jeremy said. "I want as little weight on here as possible, and even The Smallest Man In The World would be dragging me back. Get back to your boyfriend."

"This whole race is a bit pointless, isn't it?" James asked Jeremy, as Richard stepped gingerly back onto the flying carpet. "We're both going as the crow flies, so all we can really establish is which one's faster in a straight line. We could have done that without going to Japan."

"It's not just that. I mean, we already know that you're sitting on a silly rag with all the aerodynamic properties of a sheep, but in a long-distance race we can find out everything else that's wrong with it. It's already nearly killed Hammond, for one thing." He paused. "I'm not entirely sure that's really a disadvantage, though."

"Oh, thanks."

"Still," James said, "if we're going by essentially the same route - "

"It's a bloody good thing we're going by essentially the same route, James, because it means that I can save your lives when you fall off that deathtrap of a flying machine. Of course, I won't be able to do that for much longer, because in a few minutes I'll be miles out in front of you. I'm only back here now because my broom was a little bit on fire."

"hastily withdrew his arms from Jeremy's waist when he realised that one of them was lust.

"It's cold, Hammond," James said, with the subtlest of evil smiles. "Get back on the carpet. We can huddle together for warmth."

Richard's eyes widened. "Er, I think I'll just stay here with Jeremy, thanks."

Hahahaha. Evil, evil James!

"a little bit on fire"

Much like the caravan was a little bit on fire, I presume?

I'm backtracking a little, because I quite frankly haven't a clue what to do with the race. This obviously comes before it.

James was the one to suggest that maybe, just maybe, it might be an idea to get their hands on some wands. Jeremy approached wand-buying with the same courtesy and consideration that he did everything else.

"Right," he said, flinging open the door of the little shop. "What's the longest wand you've got here?"

Mr. Ollivander looked very slightly taken aback. "Seventeen inches, but - "

"I'll have that, then."

"It's not that simple, Jeremy," James said quietly, torn between amusement and mortification. "The wand chooses the wizard, you know."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, in the wizarding world you can't just barge into a wand shop and yell 'POWER!'. You have to try out different wands, and if it's the right one for you it'll work. It might be three inches long. You haven't got a choice."

"Oh, God. I bet you know all sorts of pointless trivia about 'the wizarding world', don't you? If cars chose their riders you'd have a Reliant Robin."

Richard moved quietly away and interested himself in the wandboxes lining the walls before anyone could make any Mini-related comments.

"So," Jeremy continued, turning on Mr. Ollivander, "it's all just trial and error? There's no magical scan, no better way of doing this?"

Mr. Ollivander cleared his throat. "This method has long been known to be the most effective, and - "

"Useless. And Hammond thought magic was better than cars. Fine, I'll wave a few sticks around if it'll make you happy."

Mr. Ollivander, who was disliking this customer more by the second, bowed and scurried off to find the shortest wands he had.

"What's the longest wand you've got here?" "What's the longest wand you've got here?"

Yup. HE SO WOULD.

Oh god, is he compensating for something? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

""Well, in the wizarding world you can't just barge into a wand shop and yell 'POWER!'."

*sniggers*

"Oh, God. I bet you know all sorts of pointless trivia about 'the wizarding world', don't you? If cars chose their riders you'd have a Reliant Robin."

I bet James secretly has read all the books and is engaged in shipping wars on-line.

"Mr. Ollivander, who was disliking this customer more by the second, bowed and scurried off to find the shortest wands he had."

Hehehe.

And speaking of Reliant Robins:

-------

“I’m not entirely sure about this,” James said as they walked over to the Reliant Robin. “It’s a Reliant Robin.”

“It’s a spaceship,” Richard said. “Driven by the Stig.”

“Shut up, Hammond. You only wanted to ride with the Stig ‘cause you were worried about your bits,” Jeremy said.

“I still am, actually!” He replied. “Wouldn’t you?”

Jeremy was slightly worried about his bits being driven around by the Stig in a spaceship, but he wasn’t going to admit it. “Of course not.”

The Stig was waiting by the car, and opened the door for them in a ‘come in’ gesture.

“There’ll be no leg space at all!” Jeremy said, only now realising the full horrors of the vehicle.

“I call shotgun,” Richard said quickly.

“Oh, great, so instead of just having no leg space, I will have no leg space *and* and May on my lap in every short corner!” Jeremy said, as he got into the car.

“Stop moaning Jeremy, you decided that we’d take the bloody spaceship.” James followed him into the car.

Richard wasn’t looking forward to this trip at all. Jeremy was already complaining before it had even begun, and they would be travelling in one of the silliest cars ever made.

Or perhaps not. “It’s, wow. It’s a lot more spacious than I expected,” He said, looking around in the huge room they were in now.

(Dammit. Reposted because I made a really annoying typo.)

Hee, I love it! Clarkson is sneering at the spaceship! Heeeee!

And seriously, the Stig's TARDIS being a Reliant Robin is just the greatest thing ever. And I have to mention Clarkson's complaining again (“Oh, great, so instead of just having no leg space, I will have no leg space and and May on my lap in every short corner!”), because it is so fantastic.

As a quick note, I'm almost certain that 'I call shotgun' is not a phrase used in England. If 'shotgun' means what I think it does, he'd probably be more likely to say "I'm in the front" or something similar.

"So, this is your broom?" the repairman asked, taking it and examining the damage. "An MX? What happened to it?"

Jeremy carefully averted his eyes. "I may have sort of set it on fire," he confessed.

The repairman raised his eyebrows and laughed before turning his attention back to the broomstick. "It'll need a full tail replacement." He frowned. "We've actually had a lot of these in lately. I'm not sure we've got enough MX twigs left for a proper tail. If you can leave it with us until Monday - "

"There is no way I'm waiting until Monday. I'm in a race, and even May would have got to Tokyo and back by then. I'll give you fifteen minutes."

He looked askance at Jeremy for a moment. "Well, I suppose we could put in a couple of Nimbus twigs. The models are quite similar."

"Oh, great. Just like giving a Lamborghini one wheel from a Rover. I'm sure that'll work."

"If you want a quick repair, it's your best option. You need a full tail, because otherwise the balance'll be off. I promise you, you won't even notice the difference."

"Really?"

"Really."

-
Sitting astride his broomstick with its permanent list to the left, Jeremy Clarkson swore revenge.

"As a quick note, I'm almost certain that 'I call shotgun' is not a phrase used in England. If 'shotgun' means what I think it does, he'd probably be more likely to say "I'm in the front" or something similar."

I'll get on that, thanks!

Technically he's sneering at the exterior. He won't sneer at around) because it's a TARDIS. You don't sneer at a TARDIS.

Oh, and speaking of sneering: The Dutch Donald Duck magazine has a website, which also gives the Duckburg TV Guide, and one of the programs is called Top Sneer. Hosted by Jeremy Claxon. (A claxon being the car horn thingy. That the same in English? I don't know. I'm a horrible anglicist.)

Jeremy at the broom repair shop! And of course there's arguing.

I worry for that repairwizard, y'know. I must say, you really sound like you know what you're talking about. Full tail for the balance. Hee!

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"It's cold, Hammond," James said, with the subtlest of evil smiles. "Get back on the carpet. We can huddle together for warmth."

Richard's eyes widened. "Er, I think I'll just stay here with Jeremy, thanks."

*snerk*

I'm in all kinds of love with this, it's just too funny!

Hee, thank you! I'm amazed by how well the team seems to take to the wizarding world. Whoever would have thought that Top Gear would be so crossoverable?

Well, I think it's because the wizarding world is just incredibly crossover friendly. Just like Stargate and Doctor Who. You can throw anyone in those fandoms and it'll work quite nicely.

Although I suppose Top Gear can be fairly crossover friendly provided you throw them in a fandom with some form of transport they can test.

"Accio Hammond!"

*has died and is dead*

"He's trying to commit suicide already, May?" Jeremy called. "Were you talking about true airspeed again?"

"You did not just catch him," James said in disbelief.

"Oh, I think I did."

I just want you to know that I can SEE this, quite clearly. Either you're a bloody good comedy writer or I'm plainly psychotic. Let's go for the first one :)

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