rionaleonhart | Pining For What She Could Not Have.

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Pining For What She Could Not Have.

Right now, I'm sort of between fic-writing periods, which is never a good thing, because it means that my mind will desperately hunt for a writing project and suggest ideas regardless of how utterly terrible they are. Right now, it's telling me that I should write about Top Gear Dog's slow realisation that Jeremy is her One True Love, when she had previously believed it to be James. It would be utterly ridiculous, overblown angstfic, and it would contain the line 'She gazed through the Doggles and felt the wind in her fur and dreamt of speed and power and Clarkson', and it would be written purely to annoy

dracothelizard after our ridiculous Jeremy/Top Gear Dog versus James/Top Gear Dog 'shipwar, and it would be the worst idea ever.

I have no idea what purpose this entry serves. Essentially, it's a glaring 'HEY, IF YOU WANT TO FORCE ME TO WRITE CRACKFIC THAT I WILL ETERNALLY REGRET AFTERWARDS, I AM ESPECIALLY VULNERABLE AT THIS POINT.' Which means that, er, it would probably be a very bad idea to post it.

But I suppose that any ideas distracting me from 'But he was a human and she was a Labradoodle; alas, their love could never be' can only be a good thing.

(EDIT: I can't believe I haven't recced

lakester's amazing Jeremy Clarkson/Bugatti Veyron fanvid here yet. WATCH IT, DAMN YOU. It makes man/vehicle astonishingly hot.)

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James had rather hoped that that would be that, but the mood being utterly ruined was apparently not enough to dissuade Jeremy from stroking him through the crotch of his jeans. He supposed that, being astonishingly skilled in mood-ruining himself, Jeremy had learnt to shake these moments off.

"Do you always go straight for the genitalia?" he asked, attempting a conversational tone.

When Jeremy was in a mood like this, anything James could have said would probably have been the wrong thing to say, but this in particular was a mistake, because it evidently gave him the impression that a good snog could actually make James give in.

For a moment, James was rather startled, and definitely considered suing Jeremy for sexual harassment, but the large sum of money which he would undoubtedly get couldn't possibly be worth the headlines in the newspapers. Besides, he had the odd feeling that even if he sued Jeremy for sexual harassment, this still wouldn't dissuade Jeremy from persuing him.

And thinking this was all very well, but it meant Jeremy still had his mouth on James', and still had his hand on James' crotch, which wasn't good. Jeremy might take it as a good sign, for starters.

"Right," James said, after shoving Jeremy away. "If I have sex with you, ONCE, will you then leave me alone?"

Jeremy grinned. "I knew giving you a good snog would work."

"Giving me a good snog would work, yes," James replied pointedly.

He was going to go on to comment on the fact that Jeremy hadn't yet exactly agreed to his terms, but Jeremy clearly did not appreciate having aspersions cast upon his kissing ability and was suddenly attacking his mouth again. James noted, to his amusement, that Jeremy's idea of improving a kiss appeared to be applying more power, and then his ability to think coherently was abruptly destroyed by Jeremy making a sudden hand movement that made James almost reflexively bite his tongue off and then immediately regret not doing so.

In all this analysis, he realised after a moment, he had completely failed to actually look at how this felt. He took a second to consider this, realised that he was quite enjoying it and was so disturbed by the revelation that he pulled away immediately.

"So, is Stockholm Syndrome setting in yet?" Jeremy asked.

James blinked, he had still been wondering why on Earth he had been enjoying Jeremy's technique and immediately put it down to needing to get out more often. When even the prospect of Jeremy began to look attractive, it was a dire sign indeed. "Not really," James replied.

Jeremy sighed, and looked annoyed, but wasn't annoyed enough to stop fondling James' crotch. "I can't believe it takes this long."

James was about to say that Stockholm Syndrome usually only occurs in victims who have been kidnapped and imprisoned and presumably tied up for quite some time, but he didn't want to give Jeremy any ideas. And because of the fondling he didn't quite trust himself to speak.

Next to him, Jeremy checked his watch. "Definitely not setting a new speed-seduction record."

(Jeremy sighed, and looked annoyed, but wasn't annoyed enough to stop fondling James' crotch. - BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT LINE.)

He looked rather dejected for a moment, but then perked up, which could never mean anything good.

"You were offering sex?"

"In exchange for your never pestering me about this again," James reminded him. He had been sort of hoping Jeremy had forgotten about the 'sex' comment, actually, because he wasn't entirely certain that it had been the wisest of things to say.

"Well, obviously, you'll enjoy it so much that I won't need to," Jeremy said, with a confident smirk that James hadn't seen him sport since just before his disastrous attempt to break into the Volkswagen headquarters and steal a Bugatti Veyron.

The thought that there was the slightest chance that he might actually be right terrified James to his very core. "On second thoughts, I think I may have to withdraw the offer."

"Hang on, you can't just go back on your offer like that," Jeremy said. "That's illegal."

James stared at Jeremy. "You *kidnapped* me. You're sexually assaulting me. Pardon me, but I don't think you've got much of a legal leg to stand on."

"Legal issues aside, why can't you just stop being so idifficult? Hammond was never this difficult," Jeremy complained.

"You've done this to *Hammond?" James sad, voice slightly higher than normal, and if anyone asked, he would attribute it to the shock rather than to Jeremy's fondling.

"Of course. He was very cooperative." Jeremy grinned. "He quite liked it."

"Hammond likes the Morgan," James said, and vowed never to take Richard's taste in anything seriously ever again.

Still, at least there was some satisfaction in seeing Jeremy's growing expression of horror at the gradual realisation that, yes, he was ranked highly in the mind of a man obsessed with wooden cars and 911s.

"The Zonda's all right," he said eventually, rather weakly. James was further pleased (yes, pleased, he thought fiercely. Pleased) to notice that he seemed to have forgotten to continue caressing his privates, although he still hadn't removed his hand.

"If Hammond liked it, which I'm still not sure I believe, why do you need to go after me?" James asked, not entirely sure that he wanted to hear the answer.

"He said I couldn't," Jeremy replied. "He said 'No, James would never have sex with you, he's too uptight and prudish'."

James supposed he shouldn't be surprised he was only here being molested by his colleague because someone else had challenged him to. "So naturally you thought 'how hard can it be', and here we are."

"It can be very hard, actually." Jeremy leered at him, and consequently started fondling him again. "Come on, don't you want to prove Hammond wrong?"

"I think that failing to prove Hammond wrong is probably a lesser evil than proving you right about anything," James said, pointedly and firmly removing Jeremy's hand from his crotch. Jeremy, just as pointedly, put it back. James sighed inwardly.

"I can't help wondering why it took you so long to do that," Jeremy said, easing closer. "Or, indeed, why you haven't run screaming over the cliff yet. I'm not sure you're as unhappy about this as you'd like to think you are."

"Trust me, Clarkson, I am not playing 'hard to get'." James folded his arms.

"Considering that I've already got you, I didn't think you were," Jeremy replied.

"Whatever happened to dinner and a movie?" James asked. "Or am I being uptight and prudish?"

Jeremy frowned. "You want me to do this in public?"

"Er," James said, glancing down at Jeremy's hand. "Not this, obviously. But I wouldn't mind being taken out to a film. It's not exactly 'in public'; nobody will think it's suspicious unless we go to see Brokeback Mountain or you spend the whole film with your tongue in my ear." He paused, his frown deepening. "Which you probably intend to. So you're getting three tickets and leaving an empty seat between us."

"Right. If I take you out to a film, then will you let me have sex with you?"

This was the least romantic date-arrangement that James had ever heard. "I'll consider it," he said, evasively.

"I'm not letting you use me for cinema tickets," Jeremy said, affecting an indignant tone. "Honestly, it's like the unstoppable force and the immoveable bloody object. It'd be much easier for both of us if you just gave in."

"I don't see why you're being so insulted because I expect you to make an effort," James said snippily.

"I kidnapped you! How is that not making an effort?" Jeremy asked, offended.

James glared at him. "It wasn't consensual kidnapping, was it? Dinner and a movie, sir, or nothing."

Jeremy considered whilst continuing to fondle James. "Right, I've got it. Tomorrow evening at your place, I'll bring take-away and some DVD." He grinned. "There's your dinner and a movie, May."

"You're not terribly good at this wooing business, are you?" James asked, lying back on the grass and then immediately sitting up again upon realising that he really didn't want to give Jeremy an opportunity to climb on top of him.

"I've taken you to see a beautiful sunset," Jeremy said, gesturing at the now-darkening horizon, "and I brought that beautiful Aston down here yesterday to set the mood. If that's not romantic enough for you, I don't know what will be."

"I would probably have appreciated it more if I hadn't been transported here in the boot of a Ford."

"I wanted to test the bootspace! See, I'm practical AND romantic," Jeremy argued.

"It would've been more romantic to, oh, I don't know, have a picnic in the boot rather than me," James muttered.

"Don't be such a girl, James. So, what d'you say, tomorrow night? Your place?"

James sighed. "You're going to be selecting the DVD on the basis of how short it is, won't you?"

Jeremy attempted to look innocent. "The thought had not crossed my mind."

"I can't believe you actually expect a shag on the first date," James said. He made a face. "I can't believe I just referred to it as a 'date'. This is ridiculous."

"I actually expected a shag before the first date," Jeremy pointed out, "so I'm hardly going to lose respect for you if you put out tomorrow."

"Oh, well," James said, giving him an exasperated look, "obviously the only reason I've been holding back is because I was worried that you'd lose respect for me." He paused, a possibility occurring to him. If Jeremy was this desperate for sex, it gave James a certain degree of power over him, and control over Jeremy Clarkson - although, perhaps, not in quite this way - had always been an idea that rather appealed to him.

"James, I never had any respect for you to begin with," Jeremy told him.

"You could at least TRY to flatter me, you know."

"I want to have sex with you, how is that not flattering?" Jeremy exclaimed. "Hammond was never this difficult."

"Then why don't you sleep with Hammond again?" James replied snippily.

"He's busy today, and I got bored. And you clearly don't have anything else to do this week, so I don't see why we shouldn't give it a go," Jeremy said.

James was baffled, although he thought he shouldn't be surprised that Jeremy wanted to have sex out of boredom. He supposed he should be happy Jeremy didn't want to set something on fire out of boredom.

"I know for a fact that Hammond isn't doing anything tomorrow," James said, swatting Jeremy away when his mouth got a bit too close to his neck, "and, as you're going to have to wait at least until then anyway, you may as well just stick with him."

Jeremy suddenly looked terrifyingly interested by a prospect that had just occurred to him. "What if I brought him along to your place?"

James stared.

"Are you suggesting what I very much hope you're not suggesting?" he asked, after a pause.

"Well, you might not put out after all, so if I'm going to go through the trouble of bringing takeaway AND a movie, I at least want to get something out of it, even if that is Hammond rather than you," Jeremy explained. "And if you do decide to put out, well, your bed's big enough for the three of us."

"Are you suggesting... are you saying... are you saying you want..."

"A threesome, May, a threesome. It's not a terribly difficult concept to grasp. Come on, it'll be fun."

James closed his eyes. Took a deep, calming breath. Opened his eyes abruptly and made a muffled, indignant noise of protest when Jeremy seemed to take the fact that his mouth was open to be an invitation to snog him again.

"Jeremy," he said, planting his hands on Jeremy's chest and pushing him firmly away, "I'm only just getting over the shock of having been propositioned by another man. What on Earth makes you think that I'll be any happier about this if you start bringing threesomes into it?" He paused. "What on Earth makes you think that Richard would agree? Although it obviously wouldn't stop you if he didn't."

Jeremy looked distinctly uncomfortable at James' mention of Richard's opinion. "We may have, er, discussed it."

"You discussed it? With him? What?" James stared at him.

"It came up," Jeremy said defensively, as if discussing threesomes with your colleague was a perfectly sensible topic of conversation. "He was all for it, and so was I."

"But... what... why aren't you convincing me together, then?" James said, and then wished he hadn't, because if Richard and Jeremy teamed up, James would be entirely unable to keep their hands off him. He was just with Jeremy now, and he couldn't even keep Jeremy's hand where it belonged. Which, he reminded himself sternly, was not on his crotch.

"I lost the rock, scissors, papers," Jeremy admitted.

James wasn't entirely convinced that Jeremy had 'lost', as the man seemed to be enjoying himself a rather disturbing amount, but he barely had time to think that before the full absurdity of the situation hit him.

Jeremy and Richard - his close friends, his close male friends - were both willing to have sex with him. Jeremy, in fact, seemed utterly set on it. If it was a joke, it was one that Jeremy was willing to give him something approaching a handjob for, which was a level of dedication to unnerving him that James wasn't sure even Jeremy had.

"I can't believe you're actually suggesting this," James muttered, pressing his hands over his face.

"Can you believe that you're actually considering it?" Jeremy asked, maddeningly smug.

"I was trying to forget about that," James mumbled, still not willing to look at his friend. "It'll be a disaster."

"It'll be fun," Jeremy insisted.

"You'll end up setting something on fire, or blow something up," James replied. "That's what usually happens.

Jeremy leered at him. "Well, I can't guarantee blowing *up*, but..." he trailed off suggestively.

James shuddered. "Please don't try to be sexy, Jeremy; it doesn't suit you. And I know that something's going to go horribly wrong. More horribly wrong than a threesome with you two is in itself, at any rate."

"I can be sexy!" Jeremy protested. "And it may be a disaster, but everything we do is a disaster."

"That doesn't mean that disasters are all right, Jere-- ah - Jeremy, why are you - Jeremy, please stop kissing my neck."

"I'm showing you that I can be sexy," Jeremy said, glaring. "I'd be seductively unbuttoning your shirt at the moment if that blasted jumper weren't in the way."

James had never been happier with his jumpers, and he vowed to wear one all the time if it stopped Jeremy from trying to be seductive. "You can't, Jez." He pushed the other man away again. "I actually prefer you being loud and sarcastic."

"Brilliant, because that's what you'll probably be getting from Hammond too," Jeremy told him. "That, and he'll be utterly wowed by me having convinced you to give a threesome ago."

"I...what?" James spluttered, and wondered when exactly he had agreed with the insane plan.

"I know you're just stalling because you don't want to look easy, but I think we both know you'll agree, because otherwise you'd have fled by now," Jeremy said, and went back to mauling James' neck.

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Pining For What She Could Not Have.

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