I Was Swimming With An Ostrich Once, And It Sank.

I went to see The Unbelievable Truth being recorded yesterday with causethesounds and ihavecake! It was a delightful experience. For those who don't know, The Unbelievable Truth is a radio panel game, chaired by David Mitchell, in which each panellist has to deliver a short speech on a given topic. Everything in the speech must be false except for five true facts, which must be smuggled past the rest of the panel. If another panellist spots a truth, they gain a point; if they mistake a lie for a truth, they lose a point. The panellists on this occasion were Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phill Jupitus and, to my surprise and delight, Catherine Tate. AND ALSO IT'S CHAIRED BY DAVID MITCHELL. I mentioned that before, but I'm mentioning it again.

(There's always a bit of a 'my goodness, they really exist!' moment when one sees a public figure one admires in real life. In the case of David Mitchell, it was 'my goodness, he really exists and he really is that quick'.)

Two episodes were recorded whilst we were there, and here are some things I remember! Spoilers for the broadcast in April, obviously, if you're worried about panel show spoilers (there's nothing major; no 'CATHERINE TATE SNOGGED DAVID MITCHELL' or anything, which in any case wouldn't translate well to radio), but I'll also probably cover some things that won't be broadcast.


( The Unbelievable Truth recording! )

After the recording, the producer thanked us for being a 'kind and patient' audience. The panel were affronted.

Mitchell: 'We know what you guys have been through. Sorry you had to sit through those twats.'

I had an incredibly delightful time sitting through those twats! Thank you so much for the ticket, causethesounds.

Welcome To The 'They Were Once Hairdressers' Half-Hour.

The younger of my brothers, my mother informs me, has developed a novel method for reminding himself that he has a message to deliver. She came home recently to find that he had drawn an erect penis on his cheek.

Riona's Mother: Why do you have a penis on your cheek?
Riona's Brother: Oh, yes! Roberta rang.

(A friend of my father's, upon hearing of this, began speculating on the scenario that might unfold were my brother to forget that he had drawn a penis on his face before going to school:

Headmaster: Sorry to call, but I have to inform you that your son came in today with a penis drawn on his face.
Riona's Mother: Oh, so Roberta rang! Thank you!)


A couple of points I forgot to include in my earlier writeup of the Unbelievable Truth recording! Before the actual recording began, Hawks wanted a pen; the producer gave him one, but it didn't work very well, and eventually a woman in the front row tossed a pen onto the stage for him.

Mitchell: You see, this is the state of the BBC. We have to ask the audience to throw equipment.

The BBC's dwindling finances arose in a slightly more sinister fashion during the recording itself. At one point, Smith buzzed in to say, "That's true; I'll stake my life on it." It was not true. Later, he attempted to stake his life on another claim's truth; Mitchell pointed out that his life was already forfeit, but that, had he still had a life to wager on the second claim, he would have been fine.

When the subject came up a third time:

Mitchell: Look, whatever happens, I have to kill you after the show. You die tonight.
Hawks: You don't personally have to do it, surely.
Mitchell: With the BBC's finances as they are? No, I have to do all the killing.

David Mitchell apologetically killing people: weirdly hot? oh help what is wrong with me