rionaleonhart | 'Poetry Hour With Riona's Family' Would Be Fairly Unsuccessful.

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'Poetry Hour With Riona's Family' Would Be Fairly Unsuccessful.

Ahahaha, oh, dear, I fear my parents may be becoming concerned by my uneventful love life. An exchange I recently had with my father via the incomprehensible medium of Google Wave:

Riona's Father: Loved the VD Post!

MY DEAREST HARRIET
YOU COULD BE PALLY YET.
IF SOMEONE GRABS YOU WITH THEIR LARIAT
DON'T DILLY-DALLY, PET

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Riona: I automatically interpreted 'VD' as 'venereal disease'. I just thought you should know.

OH DAD
DON'T BE SAD
THAT I HAVEN'T YET MET A SUITABLE LAD
UNIVERSITY, AFTER ALL, 'S DRIVING ME MAD
AND I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH UNTIL MAY

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Riona's Father: Of course you did.

A scholarly lady named Harriet
Was senseless to Time's Wing-ed Chariot.
Her ramblings eternal
Upon her Livejournal
Did not dispose her to marry yet.

I might have been mildly ticked off had the pressure not been presented in such a hilarious format.

In the comments to my entry on The Bubble,

anewcitylife proposed retitling the show The Abuse David Mitchell Half Hour.

I would love to watch The Abuse David Mitchell Half Hour. David Mitchell is needled and mocked, and he makes quietly self-deprecating comments until eventually he snaps and flies into one of his amazing minute-long rants. (Obviously I am not proposing this rather cruel concept out of any dislike for David Mitchell. I adore David Mitchell. I just happen to feel that he is at his most hilarious and adorable when he is nettled. Sorry, Mitchell.)

What are some other television programmes that do not exist but clearly should? There's the documentary about David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker's crime-fighting adventures, obviously; they have no physical fighting ability whatsoever, but their sarcasm is devastating. There's Master Who, the weirdly-reminiscent-of-Tom-and-Jerry Doctor Who spinoff in which the Master attempts to take over the world in every episode but is thwarted by Donna Noble. There's Celebrity Big Brother: Top Gear Edition, in which Clarkson, Hammond and May are locked in a house together and the public make bets on how long it will be before they somehow blow it up. By what do you feel our televisions would be infinitely improved?

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..I think you have just come up with a way to make Big Brother worth watching! I don't think I can top that.

Though I did once quote in my journal after talking about Top Gear and Postman Pat:

I am not aware of the existence of any story in which Pat and Jess cross Africa in a Royal Mail van, though having said that, I WANT to be.

I'm just not sure if it would turn into an epic Pat/Royal Mail van love story...

My memories of Postman Pat are very vague indeed, but I agree that that needs to exist. (Pat/van should at the very least be heavily implied.)

I'm developing this weird vicarious love for your family. They're just awesomely strange and adorable.

Shows...the utterly plotless Brainiac knock-off that consists entirely of Richard Hammond blowing things up and being gleeful about it. This might become unfortunately pornographic.

Derren Brown's Vampire Adventures. He runs around hypnotizing people, sucking their blood, and generally being vampiric, while giving the camera a fanged smile and telling everyone it's all misdirection.

The unfortunately titled Torching Human Gear where Torchwood goes after Mitchell, Annie, and George, on the assumption that they must have something to do with aliens in some way, and Team Top Gear charge in to save them. George initially panics, but when it's clear that both the government people hunting them down and the rescuers are hopelessly incompetent, he manages to calm down.

The undoubtedly-unpopular Being Human spinoff, The Annie Gets Cuddled Hour, which consists entirely of people cuddling Annie and being lovely to her. I'd watch it, but I don't know who else would.

The Jeremy Clarkson-hosted Scrapheap Challenge spinoff - Ammunition Dump Challenge! A huge audience, but it wouldn't last long.

My family are a bit mad, but I do love them so.

Also, all of these ideas are amazing.

I've seen very little Brainiac, but I was under the impression that it already consisted entirely of Richard Hammond blowing things up and being gleeful about it.

while giving the camera a fanged smile and telling everyone it's all misdirection

Ahahaha! Oh, Derren, you terrifying man.

I love Torching Human Gear. I'd love to see how a clash between Torchwood and the Top Gear trio would go.

I would watch The Annie Gets Cuddled Hour! I would buy the DVD!

Ammunition Dump Challenge is just horrifying genius.

Brainiac has staggering quantities of Richard Hammond blowing things up and being gleeful about it (they kill more caravans than Top Gear does, and there's an entire segment that seems to be nothing but sticking inappropriate things in microwaves and watching them explode), but it also involves stuff like a man walking on custard, and testing whether looking at breasts provides the same cardiovascular benefits as healthy exercise (it doesn't).

Derren would love that so much.

I expect Top Gear versus Torchwood would be ambitious but rubbish, and there'd be a great deal of "Well, the bad news is that our plan to stop them failed, but the good news is that their plan to stop us failed, so nothing has been accomplished! Hooray!"

We could have marathon viewings of The Annie Gets Cuddled Hour together! And squee over different episodes, like the one where Mitchell says reassuring and self-esteem-boosting things while hugging her, the one where she and George have a quiet cuddle on the couch while watching television, and the one where complete strangers go up to her, tell her how lovely she is, and give her a hug!

I suspect no one should mention the <Ammunition Dump Challenge to Jeremy Clarkson. He doesn't read your journal, does he?

You know who else found this post hilarious? My dad. I think our parents have a bit too much in common.

It is quite reassuring that I have met your dad and therefore know that, if we were fathered by the same person, his powers of disguise would have to be extremely cunning.

Springwatch, with Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell.

Or, or, Two Men In A Boat, with Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell.

Really just anything where they're put out of their comfort zones (if they actually HAVE comfort zones) and forced to spend an inordinate amount of time in each other's company, preferably in a small space!

"Oh, let me just stop you there David, apparently we've got some exciting footage coming in from Simon King up in the Shetlands, of uhh...Oh. Well, apparently it's geese. Great. Whoopee Doo. More of those boring bloody biting bastard geese. I hope they peck his stupid ars"....*swift cut to Simon*

I would watch these with such delight. You're right: attach 'with Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell' to almost anything and it is automatically a winning formula.

Ahahaha, the lack of enthusiasm is wonderful.

I have to admit I had no idea what a Lariat was. I still don't. I checked the Wikipedia page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lariat), and now I can only assume that your father is suggesting that your potential partner be the one who successfully restrains and presumably kidnaps you specifically by means of a lasso, the one who defeats his peers in hand to hand combat but while only using over-the-top flamboyant and infective wresting moves, the one who is first able to somehow modify your genotype such that your attraction to him is expressed overwhelmingly in your phenotype, or the guy who has the pimpingest Ford F-series. Please could you clarify.

I assumed he meant a lasso, but, now that I think about it, 'grabs you in a wrestling move' could also make (at least a sort of) sense. I know you'll read this, Dad; could you clarify for

subtle_rift's benefit?

weirdly-reminiscent-of-Tom-and-Jerry

Sounds more like Pinky and the Brain to me.

I considered comparing it to Pinky and the Brain, but then it occurred to me that that might imply Donna was on his side but thwarting him through her own incompetence, when in fact she is incredibly awesome and capable.

They all seem rather specific - why not a net gun or a suplex for example? Unless he was talking about two separate things - "Harriet, it's not too late to get a boyfriend. Also, if someone attempts to grab you with a lasso, run away." Seems like sound advice.

Pronouncing 'net gun' in such a way that it rhymes with 'Harriet' is a bit on the tricky side, but I very much like the 'run away' interpretation.

Which reminds me - upon rereading the second half of your post - that I have finished watching Avatar with some Cambridge types, and we are now trying to come up with an appropriate alternative cast drawn from our respective acquaintaincehoods. I think Yuffie should be Tai Lee. (The jury's out as to whether I am Zuko or Iroh.) Who would you be?

Harriet, your more than old enough for some boyfriend fun,
But not the kind that starts with the use of a net gun,
unless they're dressed like team rocket and just gave you a Pikachu,
'cause if that's the case, that guy really knows you.

Hooray for Avatar! I like to think I'd be Sokka; might that work? (Of the two, I'd say you're more Iroh-ish. You've moved steadily towards him on the Zuko-Iroh scale over time.)

I would actually love a Being Human spinoff called The Annie Makes Random Guests Tea Hour, in which different guests come over and Annie makes them tea and they have a nice chat and maybe some cuddles. I'm sure Annie would be an excellent chatshow host.

I still want the Jeremy and Will Do Up Houses Show. COME ON, COMIC RELIEF SPECIAL PLZ?

Oh, yes, that would be wonderful. I love the way Clarkson/Young has been worked into the 'canon' of Top Gear.

Oh my god your dad reads your livejournal?

He does! It's a bit disconcerting, I have to admit, but I haven't suffered anything worse than mild mockery from it.

D:

D:

D:

Pat/van should at the very least be heavily implied.

I think you have officially destroyed my childhood :|

...at least I wasn't suggesting Pat/Jess?

Somehow, that concerns me LESS. Maybe because any kind of human/vehicle romance just sends me straight back to that picture of the guy in a corset sticking his penis into an exhaust pipe. Even if Pat and Jess were to get it on, I don't think Pat would choose to wear a corset whilst he was at it.

I kind of totally love your Dad now.

Also, I want to say that while I rarely know anything about what you're posting about (we don't share many fandoms) you always make the subject matter seem hilarious and awesome.

LOL PROJECTING

My parents seem to have given up being concerned about my love life, thankfully. I still get the 'do you have a boyfriend' stuff and then pitying looks from more distant family members though.

After that 3D magic thingy that was on a while back I'm ridiculously in love with the idea of Derren Brown and Sooty doing a show together. And based on 2 of my current televisual interests: Life on Mars, the third series where Sam has become resigned to living in the 70s and just as he's come to terms with this, he accidentally falls through into Manchester Below (which actually now I think about it, could well be what happened, it would fit with the stuff in Ashes to Ashes, and it makes the whole 'below' idea seem even more like the Underworld than in Neverwhere *goes to ponder this*)

"Derren Brown's Vampire Adventures. He runs around hypnotizing people, sucking their blood, and generally being vampiric, while giving the camera a fanged smile"

That is a worryingly attractive idea. You keep making me want to turn him into a vampire (er, in fiction, obviously). Damnit.

My family are pretty awesome, even when they are prodding me about my perpetual significant otherlessness!

I'm really glad to hear that; I tend to pick up a few flisters from each fandom I pass through and then feel guilty when I move on to talking about things they might not be interested in, so I like to hope my journal isn't entirely dull for those not involved in my primary fandoms. Thank you!

Ooh, Tyler in Manchester Below could be incredibly interesting! (I started writing a Derren Brown/Neverwhere crossover a while ago, actually, but it never really got anywhere; it's just a few unconnected scraps of Derren hating de Carabas.)

*flails and whimpers* I really think you need to continue with that (or at least let me see what you wrote *makes puppy dog eyes at you*). When I was watching Neverwhere the other night, I kept thinking de Carabas is the Below version of Derren and wondering what would happen if the 2 met (although obviously there would be bickering, eloquent insults being thrown around, both of them trying to outsmart the other and then possibly sex).

Oh my goodness I would watch the hell out of Master Who!

I still want Perfectly Natural, in which David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker - towering sceptics that they are - defeat the supernatural through the power of their unwavering disbelief (probably in one episode they go to York and debunk the ghost of Big Daddy). Their car is tiny and rubbish, and not a source of pride at all, and Charlie can't drive anyway. Sometimes they have to eat at Little Chef.

I don't think it's ever going to be finished, but, if you really want to have a look, here are the entire contents of the file on my computer called 'derren below'. I really didn't get far with this, as you can see. (You can also see from this that my style of writing is tremendously disjointed; I hop about and write a paragraph or two all over the place. I am simply incapable of writing anything in order.)

Being apparently invisible is not entirely without its advantages; after all, Derren can eavesdrop and pry and thus learn a great deal of information with which he will be able to better his reputation as a Knower of Things That Cannot Be Known when he returns to normal. Of course, any advantage that contains the phrase ‘when he returns to normal’ implies that remaining invisible would probably not be the most advantageous situation, and Derren at present has no idea of how to revert to his previous state.

“I see,” de Carabas says, thoughtfully. “We are in a predicament, aren’t we?”

“Well,” Derren says, “yes. I don’t like asking this, but could you possibly help me?”

De Carabas raises his eyebrows. “You’re in quite a lot of trouble. To be perfectly frank, without assistance, you’re unlikely to last the night, or indeed the hour and twenty-seven minutes that remain before it falls.”

This is not what Derren wanted to hear. “But you are offering assistance?”

“I am always willing to offer assistance,” de Carabas says, baring his teeth in a somewhat unsettling grin, “provided the price is right.”

“That path leads to Shepherd’s Bush,” de Carabas calls.

Shepherd’s Bush, Derren thinks. Easy enough to get back to his home from there. He can find a way up to the surface and resume his life of invisibility, which is not ideal but preferable to a life of subterranean misery and irritating gits like de Carabas. “Thank you.”

“Should you venture down it, you will be killed unpleasantly,” de Carabas says. “Which may be your intention, given the undesirability of your situation, but there are far more enjoyable ways to die. I would offer to assist you in exchange for a favour, but the dead are notoriously poor for keeping promises.” He smiles. “There are exceptions, of course.”

De Carabas is showing no signs of lying, but Derren has a feeling that de Carabas is an extremely good liar.

(perhaps, as the favour, the Marquis wants Derren to reacquire the key from the Black Friars? why might the Marquis need it?)

“Perhaps, if you’re good, I’ll allow you to use it to return home,” de Carabas says, inspecting his fingernails.

“The Underside brings out one’s talents,” de Carabas says. “So, let us say, an expert in reading behaviour up Above may find himself able to read thoughts after slipping through the cracks. Purely as an example.” He smiles broadly. Derren experiences, simultaneously and possibly relatedly, the suspicion that this is what he himself must sometimes seem like to others and a surge of intense dislike.

“Memories can become embedded in structures like these,” de Carabas explains. “Usually, they’re anchored by a particularly powerful emotion. Walls aren’t terribly intelligent, so they can become confused about the order in which things occurred.”

“So what you’re telling me,” Derren says, “is that we may have just seen the future.”

“As you still appear to have all of your limbs, I’d say that’s fairly likely.”

“Ah,” Derren says. “And is there any way in which we could possibly avoid this future?”

“We are not unknown in our role as professionals,” Mr Croup says. “We are, in fact, rather famed amongst the wealthy, the influential and the imminently dead, to name but a few of the applicable categories. And, as the Lady Door has fallen into all three of these at various points in her to-be-truncated lifetime, one has to wonder why exactly it did not occur to her that one cannot dispose of men who can teleport simply by throwing them through a door.”

“Not for you such tedious pastimes as thinking through one’s actions before one performs them,” says Mr Croup. “A carefree existence, no doubt, but a short one.”

“One of you must best the gatekeeper in single combat,” he says. “One of you must prove his wits, and a third must face the Ordeal of the Key.”

“Erm,” Derren says, his mind still somewhere around ‘single combat’. “Right. I’m not sure there are enough of me, actually.”

“How many of you are there?” the Abbot asks.

“One.”

“Hmm,” the Abbot says, and he pauses to consider for a moment. “In that case, I suppose we can skip straight to the Ordeal.”

“Really?” Derren asks, surprised and grateful to be spared the combat, before realising that ‘the Ordeal’ doesn’t sound terribly promising either.

“Well,” the Abbot says, with a kindly smile, “it would be very unfair to ask you to go through all that on your own, wouldn’t it?”

Perfectly Natural sounds amazing, and I burst out laughing at the speculation on the Big Daddy episode.

Mitchell can't drive either, in fact. They're going to have to travel across the country and defeat the supernatural using public transport. Somewhere, Dean Winchester is crying and he doesn't know why.

I actually really, really want someone to write fanfiction of this.

Mitchell can't drive either, in fact.
AHAHA! I was actually wondering whether that was the case and they'd have to be relying on public transport (and possibly bicycles). I love that idea better actually. XD

I have a huge fondness for English versions of American things where the charm comes from the English version being a bit crap in comparison.

I would write this fic if I had any sense of plotting or dialogue or the ability to string more than five sentences together in a row.

*flails some more*
You are amazing. This so badly needs to be continued. Er... if you don't feel able to run with it, would you mind if I possibly did? Using those bits (obviously all credited and that where necessary) and then filling in the gaps and expanding on it? It's totally fine if you say no, I won't be offended or anything (like I need anything else to work on currently anyway, heh) but this is too good to just leave, I think.

That is exactly my writing style too, by the way. I can't write anything in order and I just write random scenes without knowing where they belong constantly. I get the beginning and the end done then spend years trying to fill in the gaps with some of my original fic.

Ooh! Yes, you're absolutely welcome to work with these snippets; I'd love to see your creation!

Can you make lots of this happen, please?

Thank you! :)
Of course there's no guarantee I'll get any further with it, but I'm definitely giving this idea serious consideration now.

I think I may love your dad for that last one, Marvell reference squee!

Oh, I'd read 'To His Coy Mistress' before, but I hadn't realised that was the actual origin of 'time's winged chariot'! (Then again, given the context, I should have guessed that was the reference.)

Hello, by the way, mysterious anonymous figure!

An interesting example of the metaphoric creation of new meanings: I guess that the gene splicing refers to the shape of the lariat and that the wrestling hold always refers to both form and function. On the other hand the pick-up truck name is simply an evocation of the great American adventure.

But I think it has the right macho connotations - so the fourth line should read:
"If someone has you in their Lariat"

BTW, TWIMC - Apart from the prose quality, I read Riona's livejournal for the occasional insight it gives into her formative family life - I try not to understand the other stuff.

I wish my family was as cool as yours.

My stepdad suggested at one point that I might be too assertive for men my age and I might want to consider older men. I howled with laughter.

(Um, I've realised how creepy this sounds in the abstract! It wasn't, he's a thoroughly nice chap and was trying to be helpful.)

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'Poetry Hour With Riona's Family' Would Be Fairly Unsuccessful.

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La riata (n). Verb

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