Trabia Garden

A couple of days ago, I thought I'd pick up the Undead Nightmare add-on for Red Dead Redemption again, as I'd never finished it. As I rode through the New Austin desert at night, I suddenly saw an alert informing me that a mythical creature had appeared in the area. Said mythical creature was War, one of the horses of the apocalypse, and it wasn't difficult to find; its mane, tail and hooves were on fire. I broke it and hitched it and now it is my trusty steed.

In my last entry, I said that if John Marston had a Pokémon, it would be a Ponyta. I'm pleased to have my belief so thoroughly justified.


In other news, I was watching Channel 5 yesterday. During an advert break, a short trailer for Big Brother played, in which the hosts (I was going to say 'judges', but I don't suppose Big Brother really has judges, does it?) stepped out onto a balcony above an arena and one dramatically announced 'Let the fun and games begin!'

I don't know whether this is deliberately trying to echo the phrase 'Let the Hunger Games begin!', but I really hope so. The publicists for a slightly cruel reality show deliberately evoking a work about reality shows taken to outright evil extremes? Got to admire that.


The thing I was watching, incidentally, was 'Desperate Souls', episode eight of Once Upon a Time. My thoughts mainly consist of 'MR GOLD, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD'. At the beginning I was thinking 'Well, Mr Gold seems sort of... nice? Bit creepy, but pleasant enough? Not particularly like his fairytale counterpart?' And then he became more and more magnificent and bastardly until I was just gaping at the screen. I fear and sort of admire him.

I am more amused than I should be by all the mirror-based puns whenever Sidney Glass is around. Keep it up, Once Upon a Time.

And I really like the friendship between Emma and Mary Margaret. I want Mary Margaret to find out Emma's true relationship to her - it could be so interesting! - but it doesn't look like that'll happen for a while. Still, I'm enjoying this series immensely, so for now I'm happy to wait.


It's just occurred to me that the ridiculous Once Upon a Time concept is one that can be applied to other fandoms. What if the characters of Avatar: The Last Airbender or Final Fantasy X were living in a small town in our world, having lost their memories? ...well, they'd just go about their business, I suppose, unaware of their former lives. It would essentially be a 'mundane existence' AU. This is a terrible crossover idea.

(Hey, what if the cast of Final Fantasy VIII were living in a small town in our world because Rinoa secretly put them there with her sorceress powers, trying to keep them from fighting Ultimecia and getting killed? One day, it occurs to Squall that, although he and Rinoa are married, he can't remember how they met. She becomes quite strange and cagey when he asks her about it. Slightly more workable as a concept, but I still don't think I'd be able to write it.)

Here is an entry of scattered points:


– Out and about last night, I caught a fleeting glimpse of a young man who looked a bit like Robert Pattinson. He could conceivably, given that Pattinson grew up around here, have been Robert Pattinson. Was he Robert Pattinson? I suppose I'll never know.


– I've been sort of half-watching the current series of Strictly Come Dancing; my mother's been watching it and, although I have no real interest in or understanding of dance, I've often hung around while it's been on. I am even half-supporting a particular couple: Alex and James. I told my mum that I'd just arbitrarily picked a couple to support, but yesterday I confessed to the real reason:

Riona: I think they first caught my attention because I think he fancies her.
Riona's Mum: It's funny you should say that, because his partner last year was Pamela Stephenson, and she was quite old, and it definitely seemed like he fancied her. Maybe he just gives that impression.
Riona: Or maybe he just fancies everyone.

You're lucky I don't have any grasp of James' voice at all, because otherwise I'd be writing terrible angstfic about how he constantly contrives to fall in love with his partners, thus improving the chemistry of their dances but breaking his own heart. YOU'RE LUCKY.

(The other reason to watch Strictly is Bruno Tonioli, one of the judges, who is gloriously barking mad.)


– Curious scene in our sitting room recently: Joseph, wearing no trousers, leap-piggybacked onto Fred, whose trousers fell down in the process. At this point Dad entered the room, wearing an enormous furry hat and no trousers.

My family.

(Er, I should probably point out that they were all wearing boxers, so their nethers weren't entirely unclad. Also, Joseph is about six foot two, so having him leap onto your back is quite an event.)


– Yesterday I had to e-mail a company that had sent me some work to ask whether we could agree on a per-word rate, rather than their usual per-page, because it was set in a considerably larger page size than usual and so I'd have been paid a third less than my usual rate (I'd be losing about £170). I feel weirdly awful and guilty about asking, even though it's an entirely reasonable thing to request. And it was on Friday evening so I probably won't know whether they'll agree until Monday, augh.


– Whoops, every single image in my Misfits picture folder is of Seth. In my defence: his face.

In SoulSilver, if you've given him your Pokégear number, Juggler Irwin calls after your liberation of the Radio Tower to say 'I just wanted to let you know that you're awesome!'

Awww. (I feel so immersed in the Pokémon world when I'm playing this game. It fills my entire being with joy.)

Although, now that I've played a bit further, Juggler Irwin is starting to unsettle me a bit. 'I saw, I saw, I saw! I saw you liberate the Radio Tower!' 'I saw, I saw, I saw! I saw you go into the Dragon's Den!'* 'Hearing about your escapades rocks my soul!' 'I'm so glad you called! I was just about to call you, too! I guess we must be a good match!'

Juggler Irwin is obsessed with me, guys. It's giving me the creeps.

Although I like him more than I do Lance. Dear Lance: what sort of unconscionable arsehole has three Dragonite? That is not even slightly fair.

* Ahahaha, the Dragon's Den! I was half expecting to go in and find I had to pitch my Pokémon-related inventions to a panel of millionaires in order to earn my gym badge.


Slightly odd conversation last night, through my brother's bedroom door:

Riona: There's a mug of milk on the kitchen surface. Is it yours?
Joseph: It's not mine. Maybe Mum put it aside for her tea tomorrow.
Riona: I was worried the cats might get it.
Joseph: Hold on.
(Joseph emerges from his bedroom with a roll of clingfilm.)
Joseph: Why not put some clingfilm over it?
Riona: Oh, thanks!
(Pause. Riona looks at the clingfilm. Looks at Joseph's bedroom. Something about this situation doesn't feel quite right.)
Riona: Why—
Joseph: (brightly) Good night! (closes door)

Thank you very much for the virtual lemur, kind anonymous person!


I've never really watched Big Brother, but I thought I'd check out the 'first twenty-four hours in the house' episode last night, as this is apparently to be the final series, and I was bored, and, all right, I have no self-respect. (I'm not a football fan, and apparently at this time of year one's televisual options are limited to the World Cup and Big Bloody Brother. Sigh.)

On the whole, though, the housemates seem to be decent, likeable people! Is that supposed to happen? Has cultural osmosis been lying to me all these years? I'm not planning to watch the entire thing (someone please intervene if I don't stop), but it exceeded my expectations, faith-in-humanity-wise.

(Although Ben Poshvoice and John James Australiadude unsettlingly resemble both each other and slimy Conservative MP for Richmond Park Zac Goldsmith. They kept sitting next to each other. I ended up thinking of them as the 'Goldsmith Twins'.)

Is there a Big Brother fandom with fic? I DON'T WANT TO JOIN IT; I'M JUST WONDERING. Because it's just occurred to me that Dead Set is a concept that could be applied to every series of Big Brother: 'how do this year's housemates cope when there's a zombie outbreak in the outside world?'

I'm not going to write it. I'm just saying.

Oh, my goodness, why am I making an entry about Big Brother? This is appalling.


Speaking of disreputable media: I have stumbled across a dramatic reading of a notorious work of Legend of Zelda fanfiction. To be more accurate: I have stumbled across a DRAMATIC reading of a notorious work of Legend of Zelda fanfiction.

Now, I feel a bit bad about linking to this. There are two types of really bad fanfiction: there's the fanfiction that's obviously been deliberately written to be as bad as possible, which is fine to poke fun at because then everyone's having a laugh, author included. But then there's the bad fanfiction that's obviously heartfelt: in this case, a lengthy, poorly-written but completely earnest work of Mary Sue fantasy. I often find these weirdly endearing, and, whilst I might laugh at them in private, I try not to mock them too publicly, because it could be very embarrassing for the author if she ever found my comments. Also, they're often by fairly new or young fanfiction writers, and it would be a shame to discourage them; I imagine most of us cringe slightly when we look back at our early writing.

This was written about eight years ago, though, I believe, so perhaps the author will have some distance from it now, and in any case once your fic has reached such a level of notoriety that people are doing DRAMATIC readings of it I suppose a link to the reading can't make things much worse.

Also, the reading is hilarious. Navi in particular makes me crack up every time she speaks.

Here is the playlist! You don't need to be especially familiar with the Legend of Zelda to enjoy it; I've never owned a Zelda game. I want this reader and BRIAN BLESSED to work on a joint project.

Why I Must Never Learn How to Create Fanvids, Reason One of Many: my first creation would inevitably be a video set to 'I Don't Dance' of High School Musical 2, with David Mitchell in the role of Chad and Jonathan Ross as Ryan.

It would be awful. I would be immediately and universally despised.

(Here, in case you are unaware of the context for this thought, is the clip from The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2009 in which Jonathan Ross encourages David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker to dance, and they rather wonderfully refuse. Later in the quiz, I believe, Ross offers to take Mitchell's virginity if Mitchell dances, thereby further cementing the Ryan-and-Chad parallels. If you ignore the fact that Ryan Evans is considerably more adorable than Jonathan Ross (although there is something strangely endearing about the Top Gear fandom's wossy60) and Chad Danforth is completely unlike David Mitchell in every respect other than that of reluctance to dance, the comparison is exact.)


Well, as I'm not too far from the subject area, I'd like to discuss this secret, which was posted to fandomsecrets a few days ago (possibly by one of you? I wouldn't be surprised). In case the image is taken down at some point or you don't want to load it: it is a picture of David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker on the Big Fat Quiz, with the text '[...] I want fic where they're together, with all their combined social awkwardness and their mild misanthropy; the sex is mediocre and neither of them get relationships, and yet they're kind of fond of each other.'

Thank you, secret-maker, because now so do I. Possibly with a slight element of Mitchell's unrequited love for his comedy partner. I want Mitchell and Brooker to have awkward, uncomfortable glance-conversations when Webb is around and never overtly bring it up. Brooker knows and Mitchell knows he knows and they both know it would probably be best if they just talked about it, but if Brooker's just some substitute he'd rather not confirm that, thanks, and Mitchell feels that maybe he can pretend the issue isn't there so long as it never comes up in conversation.

Oh, dear, I'm making this scenario a bit sad, aren't I? Also they would obviously have amazing banter and genuine fondness and it would be, well, nice, despite all the problems they don't talk about. I would be delighted were someone to write this.

(The sex is mediocre! That is my favourite part. Firstly because I can readily believe it (sorry, guys; obviously I have not had sex with either of you, so I wouldn't know, and even if I had my lack of a frame of reference would prevent my reaching an educated conclusion, although at least I'd have a great story for my Livejournal), and secondly because there's something rather lovely about the concept of their having a semiromantic relationship despite rather than because of the sex.)


Just to bookend this entry with terrible ideas: a couple of nights ago, in a deranged haze of tiredness and essay-panic, I scribbled down an idea for a television programme in which celebrities crept into the beds of members of the public whilst they were sleeping, and hidden cameras filmed the subjects' reactions when they woke up to find themselves in bed with Robert Downey Jr and with no recollection of how he got there.

So long as no one ever, ever makes that, there's still some hope for society.

Am I going to keep doing this meme until I have covered all 3,741 possible combinations? Probably not. But I can give it a really good try.


- Write a list of characters and number them.
- Input the number of characters into this random number generator as the maximum and generate two numbers.
- Ramble about how the corresponding pairing/partnership/general interaction would (or, indeed, wouldn't) work. Perhaps write a snippet/one-sentence fic for it if you're feeling brave.
- Repeat to your heart's content.


( Fandoms represented: Stargate SG-1, Scrubs, Final Fantasy VIII, Final Fantasy X, Harry Potter, Supernatural, Death Note, Pokémon, Life on Mars, Merlin, Kingdom Hearts. )


My housemate has come up with the idea of a reality TV show in which politicians from all the major parties are in an underground bunker during a nuclear holocaust and one is voted out every week. I am trying to think of a pun combining politics and nuclear warfare for the title and failing. It is frustrating. She cannot propose it on Dragons' Den without a good title!

In other news: it was raining this morning, and ten full university buses drove merrily past my stop. I was unimpressed and also half an hour late to the first lecture of the new university year. Auspicious!

But I saw someone with an adorable ladybird umbrella and an amazing person on my flist who shall remain nameless until she's comfortable enough to post to derrenbrownfic wrote Derren/himself/glass, so it was a good day.

I'm easily pleased.

Episodes From Riona's Mind: Oz and James's Inexplicable Hallowe'en Special, Because I Can.

(Shot from inside the motorhome. James is driving.)
Oz: The wines made from it tend to be a little crisper, but you have to be sure that the vines aren't overexposed to the sun, because -
James: Oh, for Christ's sake, Clarke, shut up.
Oz: You're supposed to be learning, James. It's a very fragile grape - it's difficult to grow in California, but -
(LOUD CRUNCH)
James: ...
Oz: ...

(Outside the motorhome:)
Oz: Well, James, this is our first kill of the series. How do you feel?
James: Oh, cock.
Oz: I have to say, I would have expected better driving skills of a motoring journalist.
James: You distracted me! And could you possibly not insult me when I'm trying to cope with just having run someone over? Clarkson was bad enough when I hit that DCI under the Mancunian Way.
Oz: No, wait, he might be alive! He's stirring!
James: ...that's Piers Morgan. I've just hit Piers Morgan with a motorhome.
Oz: Well, at least your friend will thank you for it.
James: Not if he is still alive. I'm never going to get through the auditions for Britain's Got Talent now, am I?
Oz: Morgan? Are you all right? Are you conscious?
Piers Morgan: ...braaaaaaains...

Thank you so much for your help with my presentation-preparation; you are all wonderful and I adore you. Also, it seems that either I was under extremely false impressions regarding Americaland or all the USians I know are gigantic Anglophiles. Hooray?

NO SEGUE WHATSOEVER

Recently, I dreamt (oh, dear, yes, it's a post about dreams) that Dean Winchester was trying to kill me. Which was odd, because I've never watched Supernatural in my life. We were in a dystopian future and running away from the police for some reason, and he helped me along and explained things to me and LIED BY TELLING ME THAT HE AND SAM WERE CALLED JUNE AND ERIC CARTER (YEAH, I DON'T KNOW EITHER). This was not just my subconscious getting confused about the characters' names; my dream-self was well aware it was a lie. In what may possibly be an example of my subconscious getting confused about the characters' names, Simon Pegg, who was occasionally narrating in my head, told me that Dean's real name was 'Christ', pronounced 'Chris'. When Dean found out that I knew his 'real name', he became very hostile and demanded to know how I had found that out. I told him that I had learnt it from Simon Pegg's voice in my mind. I'm not sure he was convinced.

The moral of this story is that letting my subconscious have free rein is never a good idea. Other dreams I have had have included being attacked by the orange-and-black wolves from the Dalmasca Estersand while in Silent Hill, being glared at by the orange-and-black wolves from the Dalmasca Estersand while on a magic carpet, and being chased by a flying Big Brother contestant with a knife. Also being best friends with Carla Espinosa and Peter Pettigrew. And hanging out with two Richard Hammonds. And having my foot repeatedly bitten by a living Yoda-puppet. I DON'T KNOW.

Visited Yosemite today! Seriously, that was quite possibly the most beautiful scenery that I have ever seen. Although I was slightly twitchy, because the guidebook we had quite strongly implied 'A BEAR IS GOING TO EAT YOUR FACE. THIS IS A FACT.'

My family and I are all still in possession of our faces.

Anyway, when we got back, we watched the Order of the Phoenix film. I was certainly quite caught up in it; many films leave me thinking 'when is it going to end?' eventually, but I never felt that this was dragging on at all.

( Thoughts, both positive and negative. )

Well, now that Britain's Got Talent is over and yet people have somehow not yet written it, I have to ask: where is my Piers Morgan/Amanda Holden/Simon Cowell threesomefic? I will settle for just Morgan/Cowell, because it would be gloriously sarcastic and insulting and I so want Piers to kiss Simon in front of the audience just to throw him off and I know I'm not the only one who raised my eyebrows at Morgan's offer of 'beatboxing lessons' after the show (oh, dear, I've become one of those fans), but seriously! Morgan/Holden/Cowell! The occasional surprising cuteness of Piers/Amanda (please tell me I'm not the only person who went 'aww' whenever she leant against him or Piers kissed her hair) combined with the insane bickering hatesex of Morgan/Cowell! Anyone? No?

I do not actually believe that the judges of Britain's Got Talent are doing anything untoward. Um, please don't sue me?