You Know, He Wasn't Really On Fire.

[rionaleonhart]

So. Whose Line Is It Anyway US. I would have gone hunting for clips to link you to, but I'm much too lazy, so I am going to link you to gayjunglefever's post that has many fantastic clips from it.

The backstory for my involvement in this is fairly simple. gayjunglefever, rather pleased by my having taken to Top Gear like a Jeremy Clarkson to cars, said something to the effect of 'NOW WATCH THESE WHOSE LINE CLIPS, WENCH'. My first thought was 'ehh, I probably won't watch them'; my second was 'wait, when has she ever led me astray?'; my third was 'OH MY GOD THAT GUY HAS TO PRETEND TO BE VARIOUS CELEBRITIES BEING SLOWLY STEAMROLLERED?'; and from then on I was in love.

It is not shown on UK television, which makes me very sad. Therefore, any good clips on YouTube will always be greatly appreciated, as it's the only way I can see it.

I think that Wayne is probably the best individual on Whose Line, because he can be fantastic on his own. I can think 'OMG WAYNE IS AMAZING' (have you seen him being a novelty singing fish?), but when it comes to Ryan or Colin I tend to think 'OMG RYAN-AND-COLIN ARE AMAZING'. They're still great alone, but they feel somehow incomplete when they're not working together. Wayne doesn't need anyone else to be hilarious. (Ryan and Colin together beat Wayne on his own, though.)

(Shortly after reaching these conclusions, I visited gayjunglefever's journal to find that her opinions were pretty much exactly the same as mine. This is obviously further proof that we are, in fact, the same person.)

Whose Line is completely ridiculous, but absolutely hilarious. The contestants constantly make fun of each other and the longsuffering Drew Carey. They flirt shamelessly with each other and with the audience. In one clip, during which I almost died of laughter, Colin plays a man who is turned on by danger and Ryan a ravenous boa constrictor. I think you can see where this is going. (Everyone else teases them so much! I love it!)


On the topic of my shameful shameful newfound interest in RPS, I love the Top Gear boys. Clarkson, trying to work out what an odd little compartment in a car can possibly be for, eventually concludes that it is the perfect size and shape for a stick of celery ("And that's a level of thoughtfulness you don't usually find. In most cars I've driven the celery just rolls around on the floor, which can be quite dangerous."). They clearly didn't have a clue what they were talking about when they were trying to discuss the merits of different vans, and they looked so shamefaced about it! And then there was Hammond's van overturning - "if he is dead and you'd like to take his place, write to us at 'I'm Better Than Richard Hammond Was'..." - and May losing four million points, and oh I love them so.

Someday I may actually compile a list of all the thousands of stories that I desperately want to see written one day. For now, I will mention just one: if someone writes a Clarkson/Hammond/May fic, set in a car, in which Clarkson is thinking about the car the whole time, I will be a very happy person.

...I recently had a dream about Jeremy Clarkson being in the next Harry Potter movie. While I'd be very amused if it proved prophetic, I'd be rather worried that the other part of my dream - the part about my being kidnapped and posted to Scandinavia in a box - would come true as well.

Comments

[rionaleonhart]

Oh, dear. You have made the heinous error of encouraging me in my silly crossover-writing and now are doomed to my bombarding you with snippets.


"So, this is the fastest thing you've got?" Jeremy asked. Behind him, James looked meaningfully at Richard and mouthed 'POWER!'. "How many brake horsepower is it?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh, for God's sake. How many brake horsepower does this broom have?" he said, exaggeratedly loudly and slowly.

The poor girl behind the counter looked terrified. "Um - "

"Or owlpower, or - or dragonpower, or whatever you people measure it in. For God's sake, you must have some way of measuring power."

"The Cirrus MX is the fastest broom on the market at the moment, and - "

"I don't care!"

Richard snorted. "Yes, you do."

"Saying it's the fastest broom on the market means nothing to me when I've got no way of measuring how fast it is. How fast are brooms generally? Could I outrun, say, Captain Slow in his incredible flying machine on one of these?" He paused. "That's probably a bad example. A regular broom could do that."

James interposed. "You'll have to excuse my companion; he's a lunatic," he said reassuringly to the shopgirl, before pointing out the copies of Which Broomstick stacked beside the till. "You might want to take a look at these before you kill this poor girl, Jeremy."

Jeremy seized a magazine and began hunting through it, ignoring the protests of the shopgirl.

"My God, this is boring," he concluded eventually. "Broom journalism obviously needs us. Okay, I'll have the MX. Do you take credit cards?"

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Oh god that is GENIUS and it needs more! It is brilliant! I don't know why you say you're crap at RPF because this is really quite wonderful!

Have some snippets of my TG/SG crossover thing:

Some sort of bet between the SGC and Top Gear folk on who will be on some random other planet first: "Well, of course we're going to be on the planet before you lot. We've got the Stig. You've got a big metal ring."

---

Teal'c stared impassively at the strange man in his helmet.

The strange man gazed back at him.

Neither of them had said a word for over an hour.

Teal'c thought this would be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

---

"Tonight we have a very *special* Top Gear for you. We are in fact presenting it from er, what was this planet called again?"

"For crying out loud!"

Okay, so, er, my excerpts are only vaguely amusing if you know that Teal'c is a sort of alien who doesn't really talk much and that Jack's catchphrase for all things that annoy him is 'for crying out loud', but it holds up quite well?

More Top Gear/Harry Potter! Poor, POOR shopgirl!

[rionaleonhart]

Oh my God, I'm in love with this thing already. Top Gear should not cross over this well.

"Well, of course we're going to be on the planet before you lot. We've got the Stig. You've got a big metal ring."

Ahahaha! I'm assuming the 'big metal ring' is some sort of teleport or portal or something? I love it.

Neither of them had said a word for over an hour.

Teal'c thought this would be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

You are a genius.


"Right. So, we meet up in a brothel in Tokyo - "

"Not a brothel, Jeremy."

"What's wrong with a brothel? Fine. We'll meet up at the Tokyo Tower - or, should I say, you will arrive at the Tokyo Tower to find that I got bored after three hours of waiting and flew home."

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"What's wrong with a brothel? Fine. We'll meet up at the Tokyo Tower - or, should I say, you will arrive at the Tokyo Tower to find that I got bored after three hours of waiting and flew home."

Bwaaa! YES.

although part of me is also sniggering at Jeremy wanting to overtake James and his washing machine.

This is the Stargate (http://www.joorl.com/Stargate/The_Stargate.jpg).

It's a big metal ring, and the blue wobbly bit is a wormhole that will disintegrate you when you step in and will then take you to another Stargate on another planet where it puts you back together again.

...I can't WAIT to have someone explain that to our Top Gear trio.

[rionaleonhart]

"The thing is, there are two of us, so we can take turns driving the carpet. If Clarkson wants a rest, he's going to have to land. We are going to win this."

"Might be better if neither of us actually falls asleep, though," James said.

"Yeah, that reminds me. If you fall off the carpet, don't think I'm going back for you. This is a race."

James raised his eyebrows. "Good to know the spirit of Top Gear comradery hasn't been affected by all this."

-
"The Cirrus is a good long-distance broom," said Jeremy, with a slightly dubious glance at the tiny winged ball that, he had been assured, was filming him. "The Firebolt is actually faster over short distances and has better acceleration, but it's more of a Quidditch broom. This is a broom for racing." He paused. "It's probably not a broom for racing from Hogsmeade to Tokyo. I don't think the makers really took the possibility of the Top Gear team getting their hands on it into account. But there's only one way of - oh, Christ."

Jeremy stared around at the flock of birds that he had somehow become a part of and quietly swore never to take his attention off where he was going again.

"Right. Fortunately I've just run into a load of stupid birds, rather than being sucked into the engine of an aeroplane or something, but if I get beaten by Captain Slow on his airborne rug because of this it's going to be just as bad." He looked at the birds again. "I suppose the Animal Rights activists will come after me if I break their necks?"

-
"Hammond? How's it going?"

"Er, not that well, actually."

"Really? Fantastic. What's going on?"

"We've sort of been pulled over."

"Pulled over? What, did you run a flying traffic light?"

There was a pause. Richard cleared his throat.

"The magic carpet. Did you know they're illegal in the UK?"

Jeremy, laughing uncontrollably, hung up. Richard put the communicator back into his pocket and grinned sheepishly at the frowning official on her broom.

"We're in a race," James was explaining, "and if we lose then Jeremy will make fun of us. It's really quite important."

She didn't look convinced.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

That is GENIUS. Jeremy and his flock of birds and homicidal tendences and OF COURSE James and Richard have been pulled over by some official!

This HAS to be posted in a Top Gear or Harry Potter community for it wonderful and hilarious :D.

[rionaleonhart]

I CAN'T STOP WRITING THIS

HELP


"Why do you think magic carpets were banned?" Richard asked, holding onto the edge of the carpet and watching the mountains pass by below. "Look, this rug can go higher than your plane!"

James chose to ignore the comment. "Weren't you listening to that woman?"

"I was too busy worrying about how smug Clarkson would be about it. What did she say?"

"Too conspicuous. People could mistake a broom for a bird or something if it's high up enough, but a big rectangular thing in the sky is weird."

"Is that it?"

"Well, and they're dangerous. If you're on a broom you can grip with your legs, but you could easily just fall off a carpet."

Richard blinked nervously and tightened his grip on the edge.

"The advantage of magic carpets," James continued, switching his attention to the camera, "is that, while brooms are entirely controlled by the rider, carpets can actually have some intelligence sort of built in. So you can tell it that you're going to Tokyo and it'll keep you on course - sort of like SAT-NAV, except it actually works. You've still got to keep your eyes open in case it decides that the quickest route is through a mountain or something, but basically what this means is that we've got a much easier time of it than Jeremy has."

James didn't realise exactly how true those words were, as he had no idea that, at the precise moment he was saying them, the tail of Jeremy's broom was on fire.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, oh man, you've got the reviews DOWN! It is horrible that I can easily imagine this sort of thing happening on the show?

""Well, and they're dangerous. If you're on a broom you can grip with your legs, but you could easily just fall off a carpet."

Richard blinked nervously and tightened his grip on the edge."

Hee. Aww, poor Hamster.

"James didn't realise exactly how true those words were, as he had no idea that, at the precise moment he was saying them, the tail of Jeremy's broom was on fire."

Yay! I mean, er, poor Jeremy. How did he manage that?

----

Have some of my crazy crossover:

“They can’t have the Stig! He’s ours!” Richard said indignantly. “It’d be like us asking them if we could borrow one of their jet planes for our show.”

“D’you think we can do that?” Jeremy asked.

“What for? What would we need a jet plane for?” James wondered. “We already sort of proved a car is faster than a plane, what else can we do?”

“I’m sure we can think of something we could do with a jet plane,” Jeremy said.

“That’s besides the point. Why does the US want our Stig?” Richard leaned over to read the e-mail properly. “Ah. It’s for a military top-secret operation, and they’re not allowed to talk to us about it. They’re pretty much ordering us to send the Stig over, and no questions asked.”

The three men looked at each other. “Shall I tell them to sod off or do you want to do it?” Jeremy asked the other two.

“Hang on, you can’t just *tell* the US Air Force to sod off,” James said. “It might be considered an act of war or something.”

-----

Next to him, Daniel decided to try another tactic. “Look, Stig. Is it okay if I call you Stig, or is ‘the’ your first name?” He asked.

The Stig stared impassively at him, arms folded over his chest.

“I’ll, er, Stig it is then. You must be wondering why we asked you, and how we knew where you are,” Daniel said.

The Stig continued to stare at him, giving no sign of having even heard the question.

---

Daniel was surprised he was interrupted like that, but tried to talk to the Stig some more. “Stig, we know who you are, and I don’t just mean that you’re the best driver on this planet. We *know* where you’re from. Really from,” Daniel said, hoping he had gotten the message across.

The Stig didn’t react.

“Go on, tell us then,” The short one said. “Where is our Stig from?”

And that's pretty much what I have so far. Hurrah!

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

Oooo... can't wait to read this :D

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

I can't wait to read about the caravanning trip!

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

Heh, ok, since you let us have a bit of the stargate thing, here's the opening... I hope rionaleonhart doesn't mind me doing this on her LJ...

*-*-*-*

This hadn't gone well.

"Drink your tea, dear; you've had a nasty shock."

Richard looked down at the chintz pattern travel mug that had just been pushed into his hands; some form of barely-tepid white-brown dishwater slopped malevolently over the sides. He briefly considered fobbing it off on TG – if that couldn't be construed as animal cruelty – but the old woman's expression brooked no argument, so he held his breath as best he could and downed it in one.

He supposed he should be thankful the other two weren't here to laugh at him, at least. Jeremy was too busy shouting at the fire to notice he'd been spirited away by the batshit old biddy from yesterday, but James had just laughed from behind the fire engine as she'd dragged him away by the shirtsleeve while he clung forlornly to TG's lead in the vain hope the dog would weigh him down.

This hadn't gone well at all.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha! Old Lady strikes again! Poor Richard :D.

Still, shouldn't that be TGD rather than TG?

And I'm sure Riona won't mind. I've been posting bits of my crossover as well.

"Jeremy was too busy shouting at the fire"

He so would.

[rionaleonhart]

Of course I don't mind! My journal is full of lovely Top Gear fic now; why would I object?

That is the most horrible description of tea ever. Jeremy shouting at the fire is fantastic - I absolutely love it, it's just such a Clarksonish thing to do.

James had just laughed from behind the fire engine as she'd dragged him away by the shirtsleeve while he clung forlornly to TG's lead in the vain hope the dog would weigh him down.

This image is so bizarrely adorable. I love James laughing at him - he obviously gets such a thri.

[rionaleonhart]

“They can’t have the Stig! He’s ours!” Richard said indignantly. “It’d be like us asking them if we could borrow one of their jet planes for our show.”

“D’you think we can do that?” Jeremy asked.

Ahahaha! You just know Jeremy would think that. And I love that the Stig is the equivalent of a plane, rather than a person. And Clarkson telling the US air forces to sod off! AND HAMMOND IS 'THE SHORT ONE' OH HOW HE WOULD HATE THAT.


Although Jeremy swore insistently that Richard had sabotaged his broom, the true reason for its bursting into flame was obvious to anyone who cared to examine the footage: becoming increasingly cold and uncomfortable, he had decided to create an invisible bubble of warmth around himself with magic. Unfortunately he had become so caught up in methods of magical transport that he had never really bothered to actually learn any magic, and so resorted to making random wand movements, convinced that something would have to happen, at least.

In the ensuing emergency landing, desperate search for water and somewhat shamefaced visit to a broomstick repair shop, he lost the lead by a quite considerable margin.

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"to create an invisible bubble of warmth around himself with magic. Unfortunately he had become so caught up in methods of magical transport that he had never really bothered to actually learn any magic, and so resorted to making random wand movements, convinced that something would have to happen, at least.

In the ensuing emergency landing, desperate search for water and somewhat shamefaced visit to a broomstick repair shop, he lost the lead by a quite considerable margin."

BEST WAY EVER.

Oh god, Jeremy buying a wand from poor Mr. Ollivander. Oh god. Do I want to KNOW what he did to the poor birds with magic? And does this mean Richard and James have wands too?

You must write a bit in the broomstick repairshop! It sounds too brilliant!

"AND HAMMOND IS 'THE SHORT ONE' OH HOW HE WOULD HATE THAT."

From the Stargate POV, Richard is 'the short one', Jeremy is 'the loud one', and I think I described James as 'in dire need of a haircut'.

[rionaleonhart]

Oh dear God, there are so many scenes that need to be written. I AM NEVER GOING TO ESCAPE THIS CROSSOVER EVER.

From the Stargate POV, Richard is 'the short one', Jeremy is 'the loud one', and I think I described James as 'in dire need of a haircut'.

I absolutely love you.


"It's a bit like Aladdin, isn't it?" James asked, leaning back on his elbows as they flew over Russia at night.

"If you start singing 'A Whole New World', I am going to kill you. I swear it."

James couldn't resist such temptation. "I can show you the world - "

"Stop it!"

"Shining, shimmering - Hammond!"

The footage of the next few seconds was dark and chaotic. Richard insisted afterwards that he had been desperately trying to scramble away from the clearly insane James, while James claimed that Richard had flung himself at him, either to kill him or because he just couldn't resist the allure of his off-key singing. Whatever it was, something happened that pitched Richard Hammond off the carpet and into the cold night air.

-
"Now, as you can see, this broom is fitted with headlights. You may not have noticed them before, for the very good reason that they weren't there." If that silly flying camera-ball was actually getting a clear recording of this, he was going to eat his remaining hair. "Technically I'm not supposed to modify this broom, but cheating has always been an important part of the Top Gear tradition. My point is that, if you go to buy the Cirrus MX, don't expect it to come with headlights, because it doesn't. I don't understand these people. They're able to make bits of wood shoot through the air, but not one of them ever thought 'hmm, perhaps it might be useful to be able to see at night'? You know what; forget it. Just buy a car. If I'm interpreting that dark shape up there correctly, I'm just about to encounter another flock of stupid geese."

-
James stared for a moment, unable to believe what had just happened, before scrambling to the edge of the carpet and grabbing the wand in his belt. He tried Summoning him - "Accio Hammond!" - without effect, and then gripped the side as hard as he could and kicked the carpet into a dive. Richard had already fallen so far that he couldn't even tell where he was, let alone catch him, but he had to try.

James was just beginning to give up hope and wonder how to break the news to Richard's family when a broom hoved into view carrying two people, the passenger in the back with his arms tightly wrapped around the waist of the man in front.

"He's trying to commit suicide already, May?" Jeremy called. "Were you talking about true airspeed again?"

"You did not just catch him," James said in disbelief.

"Oh, I think I did."

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

"James couldn't resist such temptation. "I can show you the world - "

HE SO WOULD! HE SO WOULD!

"The footage of the next few seconds was dark and chaotic. Richard insisted afterwards that he had been desperately trying to scramble away from the clearly insane James, while James claimed that Richard had flung himself at him, either to kill him or because he just couldn't resist the allure of his off-key singing."

Hahahaha! Also YES!

Jeremy pimped his broom! Ha!

Hey, would the wizarding world have something like Pimp Your Broom?

ACCIO HAMMOND!

And Jeremy caught him! HAHAHA!


"He's trying to commit suicide already, May?" Jeremy called. "Were you talking about true airspeed again?"

HEEE

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

This may be the best Harry Potter crossover ever... and I've read some cracked ones!

"Look, this rug can go higher than your plane!"

Hee! He would too, you know he would...

And James extolling the virtues of the flying carpet, and Jeremy inprinting himself on a flock of birds...

Sheer Genius!

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

It's a big metal ring, and the blue wobbly bit is a wormhole that will disintegrate you when you step in and will then take you to another Stargate on another planet where it puts you back together again.

...I can't WAIT to have someone explain that to our Top Gear trio.

You just know someone's going to make a joke about the dangers of sending Richard through it, since he can't really afford to lose any bits, at least with Jeremy they've got a foot or so to play with ;)

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

*sniggers* And maybe some worrying about ending up with each other's bits.

I think there will also be something along the lines of 'Well, these people go through it on a daily basis!' 'They're Americans! They're crazy!' and the Top Gear trio opting to take Stig's TARDIS instead.

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

'They're Americans! They're crazy!'

Why do I have this vision of the US declaring war on Ferrari?

I mentioned this to dad, who likes the idea of The Stig as a timelord, and we tried to come up with the daftest Top Gear crossover...

Anyone for Quantum Leap?

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

oops, dumb tag

[dracothelizard.livejournal.com]

I've never actually seen Quantum Leap, so I really can't say. I trust it's more insane sci-fi?

And I am so going to give Stig the Reliant Robin TARDIS you mentioned, and have him endure ENDLESS mockery from the Top Gear trio. Until they get inside, of course :D

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

Hee! Cool, I just love the idea of a three-wheeled TARDIS!

[littlemoose.livejournal.com]

For all your insane sci-fi needs. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_Leap)