rionaleonhart | Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.

I CAN'T BREATHE

Wow, the trio must have been rather confused by Richard repeatedly calling the girl (and the girl calling herself) 'Jeremy'.

"Higgledy-jiggledy-piggledy!" he cried, pointing it at Richard. Nothing happened. "This is broken," said Jeremy, handing it back to Frizzy-girl.

AHAHAHA, THAT IS FANTASTIC.

(It is quite all right; my Superbabe purse deserves to be insulted (the glitter isn't too noticeable, but the logo is not as unlike this as I would like), and most of my friends don't actually watch Top Gear at all. The purse-is-a-Horcrux thing is forgiveable because it is hilarious.)

(Late replies again, because of Things Of Doom To Do.)

Hooray, you liked it!

Oh, I expect they were, to be honest...

(Hee, Superbabe logo!)

Frizzy-girl scowled at Jeremy. "It is not broken, it is just that you happen to know nothing about magic."

Jeremy glared at her. "Well you have twigs in your hair."

Frizzy-girl looked rather worried, and began frantically checking her hair to see what foliage might be lurking within. Redhaired-boy sighed. "She's kidding." Frizzy-girl glared at Jeremy and crossed her arms.

"Harriet," said Jeremy, turning to her, but he was cut off before he could continue the sentence.

"Hang on," said Redhaired-boy, "the girl being called Jeremy I could just about cope with, but he's called Harriet as well? Where on Earth do you people come from?"

"I don't think you get to talk about strangeness," said Richard, "considering that you're hiding in a bush and you have what appear to be wands."

"We have normal names," said Redhaired-boy stubbornly. "My name's Ron, and you can't get more normal than that."

Frizzy-girl whipped her head around to glare at him. "You just revealed our identities to complete strangers! How do you know they aren't Death Eaters?"

"They aren't very good ones. Anyway, at least I didn't tell them that my surname is Weasley."

Frizzy-girl made a very annoyed face at him, and raised her wand-thing.

"I wouldn't bother," said Jeremy. "I've told you, it's broken."

Frizzy-girl looked as though she might explode with rage.

"Calm down, Hermione," said Scarhead-boy placidly. "They'd have to be the most useless Death Eaters in the world if they didn't recognise me."

"Well now that's a bit cocky, isn't it?" said Jeremy. "I don't expect everyone in the world to recognise me, although frankly those who don't must be blithering idiots not to watch Top Gear."

"Maybe they do, and they've achieved what we all want to and managed to ignore you," said Richard.

Jeremy stared at him. "But Richard, I'm the best thing about the show! No-one would watch if it was just you and May skipping about and talking about Graham Norton's arse and your hair and how completely bloody boring the pair of you are."

"Well, no, Jeremy, but they would if we got rid of you and managed to still present the show the way it is now, only without some great buffoon ruining everything."

Jeremy was about to retort when he noticed that May had wandered over, a curious expression on his face.

"Who are these three?"

"They've escaped from the local mental asylum and seem to think that this thing," Jeremy held up the purse, "is some sort of Horlicks."

"Horcrux." said Hermione stubbornly.

"Now who's revealing secrets?" said Ron smugly.

"Ron, the Death Eaters are looking for the Horcruxes too, they already know..." Hermione trailed off and pointed an accusing finger at Harriet. "You! You're a death eater! I should have known! Your eyes look evil-"

"Hey!" Jeremy cried indignantly, cutting her off. "I happen to think I have very friendly eyes!"

"I wasn't talking to you, you idiot, I was talking to him!" snapped Hermione.

May sighed. Clearly they were in for a very confusing time.

"Hang on," said Redhaired-boy, "the girl being called Jeremy I could just about cope with, but he's called Harriet as well? Where on Earth do you people come from?"

Ahahaha! The confusion is wonderful.

Oh, Ron, you are hopeless.

No-one would watch if it was just you and May skipping about and talking about Graham Norton's arse and your hair and how completely bloody boring the pair of you are.

Hee! I might, but it's true that it just wouldn't be the same without Clarkson.

Hermione trailed off and pointed an accusing finger at Harriet. "You! You're a death eater! I should have known! Your eyes look evil-"
"Hey!" Jeremy cried indignantly, cutting her off. "I happen to think I have very friendly eyes!"
"I wasn't talking to you, you idiot, I was talking to him!" snapped Hermione.

THIS IS THE MOST ABSURD THING EVER AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

(This seems to have taken me a while because I had to look up 'Specialis Revelio'. Or I'm just slow.)

I am so ridiculously pleased that you like it; I have an incredibly stupid grin that stretches for miles. I'm pretty sure I would watch it too, but I don't think Top Gear wouldn't be the same if any of them were removed.

"I'm not a Death Eater!" said Harriet, sounding very worried. However, she said it a little too quickly for Hermione's liking.

"Roll up your sleeves!" she snapped. Clarkson congratulated himself on the decision to not get a tattoo of the Bugatti Veyron enclosed in a heart. Although he still wanted one.

Harriet did so, and Hermione peered at her upper arms and muttered "Specialis Revelio" a few times. Satisfied that there was no sign of the Dark Mark, she sighed. "Fine, you can roll your sleeves down now."

"You know," said Clarkson, "I do have friendly eyes."

"I'm so happy for you," snapped Hermione.

"I think," said May pleasantly, "what Jeremy means is that Harriet has friendly eyes."

Ron rolled his eyes again at the sheer ridiculousness of those names. "Your parents must have really disliked you," he muttered.

At this point, worried expressions came over the faces of Jeremy, Harriet and Richard.

"May, do you happen to know if there's been any more news about the - ah, alleged kidnapping?" asked Richard.

Hermione looked very curious at this. "What kidnapping?" She glanced at Jeremy. "Did you kidnap her? Because I don't know why you'd want to keep someone so annoying."

Jeremy frowned at her. "I think you'll find all three of these people find me very pleasant company."

Richard snorted. "You spent the entire journey here either humiliating us or making horrible references to..." Richard trailed off as he remembered May was still standing there. "Horrible references to, er, things."

Jeremy grinned his unpleasant grin again. "Why, yes, Richard, thank you for reminding me - "

Richard interrupted him, red-faced. "May, back to the original question, any news about the kinapping? Any. Tell us all of it."

May frowned. "Well, the insane policeman was sacked; apparently he's hoping to get a job on Top Gear. I don't think there's anything else new; they're still looking for Harriet."

Hermione glanced over at Harriet. "Why did you kidnap him? He isn't famous; I've never seen him before."

"Well, I restate my earlier point about blithering idiots," sneered Clarkson.

"Hermione's not an idiot!" snapped Ron. "She got Os in all her subjects for the OWLs!"

"Apart from Defence Against the Dark Arts," Hermione reminded him quietly.

Clarkson snorted. "I've never even heard of OWLs, so that doen't count. And I am famous."

Hermione looked at him in bemusement and irritation. "We aren't talking about you, you self-centred idiot! None of us have ever seen him!"

"I have, actually," said Scarhead-boy. "He wasn't called Harriet, though. His name was... er, Jiminy or something, and he was talking about cars. I think those two blokes were there as well. And maybe the dog." TG nodded her thanks at being noticed, and settled against Harriet again, attempting to remind her that she wasn't the only sane one there.

Clarkson grinned. "Even the psychiatric ward thinks we're the best show on telly."

Hermione stared at him, disdain etched all over her features. "For the last time, you stupid, stupid girl, we're not talking about you! Honestly, you're the one that needs psychiatric help."

May wondered when the right time would be to tell the very irritated girl what exactly had happened.

Clarkson congratulated himself on the decision to not get a tattoo of the Bugatti Veyron enclosed in a heart. Although he still wanted one.

Oh, my God, you genius.

"Your parents must have really disliked you," he muttered. - heeee!

and settled against Harriet again, attempting to remind her that she wasn't the only sane one there.

Awww. Thank you, Top Gear Dog.

Oh, Jeremy is coming across as so insane. Bodyswapping is so confusing.

(Um. I think the lateness is de rigueur for me now.)

Top Gear Dog is a very kindly dog. Oh, dear, Jeremy. To be fair, I doubt Hermione would be too fond of him anyway. Yippee that you still like this! (Er, after reading the earlier comments, it has occurred to me that when you said 'I already laughed about it in the fic' you meant your fic-self was laughing at it and not that I was stealing things from myself. Erm, yes, that was the most pointless thing I have ever said. And it is perhaps a little weird that I decided to re-read the beginning of the demented bodyswap for no reason. Oh well.)

Suddenly, an idea occurred to May. He nudged Hammond in the ribs with his elbow and hissed, "You know, Richard, since these strange people have wands, they might be able to reverse this bodyswap and get us out of this mess."

Richard looked suddenly rather cheerful at the prospect of not going to jail, but then his face fell. "No, May, I don't think I really want Clarkson back to his normal self considering the things he's been threatening." Richard shudderd.

James looked at him curiously. "Hammond, I really think you need to explain what exactly it is that Clarkson's been threatening you with."

Richard scowled. "Do the words; 'You really don't want to know' mean nothing to you?"

"Rich, I don't think I can fully assess whether it's worth giving Clarkson the oppurtunity to act like a teenage girl just to avoid this threat being carried out without you telling me what it is."

"May, just trust me, it's awful."

May sighed. "I suppose I'll just have to ask Jez then."

Hammond's eyes bulged in horror. "What? No! No no no. You stay away from him."

At that precise moment, Jeremy had decided that now was perhaps the time to find out more about his new-found friend Harriet, to make his impression of a teenage girl even more convincing.

"Harriet, I'd like you to tell me what life is like as an eighteen-year-old girl in Britain today."

Hermione stared at them incredulously. "What?! Why on Earth are you asking a man in his forties what it's like to be a teenage girl?!"

"I think," muttered Ron, "you ought to be more concerned about why a man in his forties is called Harriet."

"Your surname is Weasley," Jeremy pointed out, and then realised that since he wasn't actually called Harriet, there was no reason to retort.

Ron looked hurt. "Weasley is a proud family name that's been carried down over generations! It's very well known in the wizarding world!"

"That doesn't mean it's not ridiculous."

Hermione cleared her throat, and was about to defend Ron with a speech about the origins of the Weasley family, their contribution to international wizarding and their help in the war against He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, when May appeared, smiling nervously. "I think I have an idea that could fix this."

"No you don't!" said Hammond desperately. May ignored him.

(I was wondering what you meant by the 'plagiarism' comment!)

Ahahaha! Even more convincing! (I hope you don't intend to move in permanently, Jeremy.) And Jeremy retorting even though there is absolutely no reason to! And Hammond's utter terror at the prospect of Jeremy being changed back!

(I am late. No-one is surprised.)

(Er, I'm sure he doesn't... the idea of your LJ entries as written by Jeremy is highly amusing, however, if possibly incredibly embarrassing for you. 'Hi, yeah, it's me. God, Clarkson is great isn't he? And, er, I like pink, and boybands and nail varnish and other teenage-girl things, because I'm not Jeremy Clarkson. Not at all.') I am thrilled, once again, that you like it!

"May, I mean it now. You don't want him changed back."

Clarkson's evil grin returned, in all its malevolent glory. "Oh, yes you do, May."

Hammond's head whipped round to glare at him. "Clarkson, if you stay the way you are, you... you get to pretend to be a teenage girl again."

Harriet gave him a horrified look, and TG shook her head in disapproval, and gave Harriet a sort of doggy-hug.

Clarkson grinned his horrible grin. "You do realise I'm going to follow you around shrieking 'Oh my God, it's Richard Hammond! Look, everybody, look at Richard Hammond! I'm his friend.' In fact, I think I'll become your full-time stalker, and sell embarrassing information about you to the newspapers." Clarkson's eyes glittered evilly. "Oh, this is going to be fun."

Hammond sighed. "Fine," he said.

May gave him a slightly horrified look. "Richard, I demand to know right now what it is he's threatening you with that's so awful you're willing to put up with Clarkson as your fangirl."

Hermione, Ron and Harry all looked very confused. "Excuse me," said Hermione, "but why are you referring to a girl as 'he', and what do you mean 'change back'?"

"There's no reason," said Hammond quickly. "She's just, er, not a very convincing teenage girl, so, ha, we all say that she isn't one. Isn't that fantastic! Now, go back to arguing about names."

"But Hammond," said Jeremy slyly, "they're all so confused! Put them out of their misery, why don't you? I'm sure there won't be any terrible consequences."

Hammond fumed. "Shut up, Clarkson, shut up."

May frowned. "As much as I hate to disagree with that statement, I can't help but still be curious-"

Richard interrupted. "Stop being so bloody curious! This is Clarkson. Remember Clarkson? The idiot? The lunatic? The man who has never once had a good idea in his life?!"

"Well, Richard, if you're going to be rude, then I might very well turn down your generous offer and tell James all about my little idea."

"What idea?" said Hermione. "I thought it was him that had the idea?"

"Oh, my idea is better."

"No! No it isn't!" cried Hammond. "You! With the glasses! What's your name? Is it Jessica? Catface? Mock him, someone, please!"

Scarhead-boy looked rather amused by Hammond's utter terror. "It's Harry, actually. Harry Potter."

"Right, well then, you're a pot. Jeremy, mock him!"

Jeremy smiled. "Richard, there are much better ways to spend our time. Like..."

Giving up, Hammond snatched Ron's wand, ignoring Ron's indignant cry of 'Hey!'. "I've got a wand, and I'm not afraid to use it," said Hammond, making vague lunging motions.

"It's not a sword," said Hermione. "Why do none of you know anything about magic?"

"Well, maybe you should tell us," said Richard, "and then maybe I could get him to shut up!"

(Oh, dear, Jeremy posting on my Livejournal would be terrifying. Jeremy finding my Livejournal would be terrifying.)

EXCUSE ME, HAMMOND, I MIGHT SORT OF WANT MY BODY BACK.

"Oh, my idea is better."

Oh, dear. I am grinning so much!

Ahahaha, Richard's "HE HASN'T BEEN MOCKED YET! MOCK HIM!" diversionary tactic!

(Clarkson and Livejournal would be horrible, because him trying to pose as a teenage girl would be so so so brain-destroying.

(You're making me think about posting fake Livejournal entries as bodyswapped-Clarkson. Stop it.)

(I want to see fake bodyswapped-Clarkson LJ entries!)

(Hahaha! It would probably be a lot of badly-spelled gushing!)

(Oh, both very worrying ideas.)

HAMMOND IS SELFISH. AND TERRIFIED.

I am pleased to cause grinning!

"Well, you don't use it as a sword, everyone knows that," said Hermione smartly, "and you shouldn't be using magic if you don't." And she grabbed Ron's wand and handed it back to it's rightful owner. Ron nodded his thanks.

"I see you no longer have any dubious methoids of silencing me, Hammond," said Jeremy, grinning widely. "Unless of course you want to try changing me back and then-"

"Punching you?"

"You know it's very rude to keep interrupting someone," said Jeremy, crossing his arms.

"Also," said Harriet, "that would be my body you're punching, and I would quite like it returned to me, please."

Richard turned to look at her. "Oh, we don't even know if May's idea would work. I doubt these three clowns would help us anyway."

"Well, I'd like to try it."

"As would I," said Jeremy, evil grin firmly intact.

"Excuse me," said Ron, "but I'd like to know how exactly we're involved in this plan."

Hammond slapped his forehead. "It doesn't matter. The plan doesn't matter, Harriet wanting to get back in her own body doesn't matter, Clarkson stalking me doesn't matter; we'll just stay in Hogglesbrook forever and drink tea or whatever it is they do here."

"They do quite a lot of fishing," said May placidly.

"Well, they'd have to have some interesting conversation after spending time with you, Slow."

"Well, Jeremy, at least I haven't terrified poor Hammond and kidnapped a teenage girl."

"I am the kidnapped teenage girl," said Jeremy.

Ron raised his hand. "Could someone tell us what the bloody hell's going on?"

"If you promise not to help us in any way, yes," said Hammond.

"Done," said Ron. "I can't think why I'd want to help a group of people who've done nothing but insult us since we arrived anyway."

"Right, excellent," said Hammond. "The teenage girl and the demented, evil bloke have swapped bodies, so the one that looks like a teenage girl is, in fact, a man called Jeremy Clarkson, and the one that looks like a very strange man is, in fact, a teenage girl called Harriet. Happy now?"

"What have you and the bloke with the idea you don't want to tell us about got to do with this?"

"For some reason I can't really remember right now, we're friends with Clarkson."

May smiled. "Now, my idea..."

Hammond resisted the urge to hit him a lot.

"For some reason I can't really remember right now, we're friends with Clarkson."

Ahahaha! That is wonderful. And 'If you promise not to help us in any way' is such a marvellously odd stipulation! And he refers to Jeremy as 'the demented, evil bloke'!

*gleefulness and lateness*

Erm, I seem to be dragging this out a bit, because I like writing it far too much.

Hammond sighed a huffy sigh.

May frowned disapprovingly. "Richard, you do realise we can't keep them this way forever; Harriet has a family, who are most probably very worried about her by now. And anyway, if we get Jeremy back to normal, you can kill him without worrying about the guilt."

Richard grinned slightly. "May, you always know just what to say to make me feel better."

Jeremy's horrible horrible grin was back, yet again. "Well, Hammond, I know just what to do to-"

"Annoy the hell out of me?"

"Oh, Hammond, we're finishing each other's sentences; we're like a couple already."

Richard clenched his fists. "Not. One. More. Word."

James raised his eyebrows. "Ah, I see."

"Well," said Ron, "this is all very romantic ("No it isn't!" cried Hammond) and that, but what's this plan you keep going on about?"

"You promised not to help us!" Hammond said, looking very annoyed.

Hermione shrugged. "I didn't promise. And no offence, but I'm better at magic than Ron anyway."

"None taken," said Ron. "You stink at Quidditch, and that's what's important."

Hammond looked slightly homicidal. "What about you, Pot-boy? Will you be helping Clarkson get himself murdered?"

Harry frowned. "It depends what exactly you expect me to do."

"Well, I'd like you to kill Clarkson, but I'm presuming you don't want to do that."

Hermione shrugged. "Oh, I don't know."

May stepped in. "I think you should return Jeremy and Harriet to their rightful bodies."

(Well, I'm making some progress, at least. They finally know the plan, huzzah!)

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