rionaleonhart | You Are The Best Winner I've Ever Seen.

You Are The Best Winner I've Ever Seen.

Oh, my goodness, who renewed my Paid time? Thank you so much! I was just resigning myself to being without comment-editing and polls and userpics and protection from advertising, and all of a sudden: unexpected anonymous loveliness! Amazing!

I'd love to do something for you, anonymous benefactor, but of course I don't know who you are and so I don't know what would interest you. I HOPE YOU LIKE SNIPPETS OF UNFINISHED FANFICTION, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE APPARENTLY GETTING. (Obviously these are for all of you, not just my anonymous benefactor.)

Doctor Who/Final Fantasy XII: Jack Harkness introduces Balthier and Fran to the Doctor.

“Doctor, these are my friends,” Jack said, eagerly. “This is Balthier, and this is Fran. We’ve been travelling together.”

“Having encountered the charming Dr Harper, Jack,” Balthier said, folding his arms, “I have to confess that I hold a rather poor opinion of those you call your ‘friends’, and I’ll thank you not to include us among them.”

Jack grinned, a little sheepishly. “Owen Harper,” he explained to the Doctor. “One of my team. He – ”

“Ah,” the Doctor said.

Jack raised his eyebrows. “Have you met him, then?”

“Yes,” the Doctor said. “Well, no. I’ve met him, but he hasn’t met me. Not yet.”

“Right,” Jack, to whom this apparently made perfect sense, said. Balthier looked rather perplexed, but Fran understood immediately.

“He is a time-traveller also?”

“Ah, of course,” Balthier said. “I’m not sure I’ll ever become entirely used to all this. And that peculiar blue object in which he arrived is...?”

“My spaceship,” the Doctor explained, proudly. “She’s called the TARDIS.”

“I see.” Balthier had started to walk slowly around the TARDIS, inspecting it from every angle. “It’s not the most elegant design, is it?”

“It’s eighty billion times more powerful than yours,” the Doctor retorted, nettled.

“Childishness,” Balthier said, amused, “will get us nowhere.”

“It’s not childish,” the Doctor said; “it is scientific fact. Eighty billion at least. Although you do have a very nice airship,” he conceded.

Kingdom Hearts II: Hayner and Seifer meet Leon in Hollow Bastion.

Hayner was sure he’d never met Leon before, but there was something vaguely familiar about him. He’d felt something similar when he’d first met Sora: a sense that something was almost there, but not quite.

“You bastard,” Seifer snarled, shoving Hayner to one side and stalking forward, and suddenly Hayner realised what that thing was. “You gave me my scar.”

“What the hell?” Hayner demanded. “He’s, like, way, way older than you.” He turned to stare at Leon. “I mean, I get it, Seifer pisses me off too, but that’s kind of messed up.”

Leon didn’t seem to hear him. He was looking at Seifer as if he were seeing a ghost, which was why Hayner wasn’t totally surprised when he said, “I thought you were dead.”

“Because you cut his head open with your giant sword?” Hayner asked. Now that he really looked at it, Leon’s sword had the handle of a gun. Like Seifer’s. Like Hyperion.

“I’m sorry,” Leon said, not to Hayner. “I couldn’t save this world.”

“Yeah,” Seifer said, with a short laugh. “Because you’re the only one who could’ve saved it, right? I don’t need an apology for that. I want you to apologise for my face.”

The Mentalist: Jane and Cho have fairly unsuccessful phonesex.

"Lisbon's here, by the way," Jane says. "I'll let you guess whether she's really here or it's just part of the scenario."

A pause.

"She's actually there, isn't she?"

"I'm not going to tell you. Take all the fun out of guessing. You're not a fan of voyeurism?"

Oh my God, Lisbon mouths from across the room, what are you talking about?

"I'm not a fan of being watched."

"Interesting clarification," Jane says, stirring his tea.

"Psychoanalysis," Cho says. "That's erotic. About on the same level as calling this a 'scenario'."

"All right," Jane says, after taking a sip. "Where were we?"

"Lisbon still there?"

Jane looks up at Lisbon over the rim of his teacup. "She can't have left if she was never really here, can she?"

Which isn't technically a lie. What Cho doesn't know won't hurt him.

"I was unbuttoning your shirt."

"Why are you unbuttoning my shirt, anyway?" Jane asks, taking another sip of tea and settling himself more comfortably against the cushions. "Where's the romance in that? No ripping my clothes off, unable to control yourself, and flinging them over the branches of the tree?"

Lisbon is gaping at him. He makes a 'close your mouth' gesture.

"You hate it when your clothes get damaged," Cho says. "And I thought we were on Lisbon's desk."

"I think we should be in a tree. Let's be in a tree. The boss's office is such a cliché."

"I think that would probably be uncomfortable."

"It'll be fine. Come on."

"All right," Cho says. "But if we're climbing trees, I'm putting my pants back on."

"We're already up there. Lisbon's desk is in the tree."

"My desk is where?"

There is a pause.

"That was Lisbon, wasn't it?" Cho asks.

"Oh, hey, Lisbon!" Jane says, with an affected start.

Lisbon stares at him.

"I'm not sure this is going to work," says Cho.

Derren Brown/Doctor Who/Supernatural: Derren and the Doctor, post-restless-spirit encounter.

The Winchesters depart to find out more information, Sam having taken Derren’s telephone number, and the Doctor invites Derren to look in more depth at some of the artwork in the mansion. Derren’s response approximates to ‘you’ve got to be fucking joking, I’ll wait in the TARDIS’, and so he does.

When Derren has been pretending that he is actually reading rather than listening in terror for spectral noises for a couple of hours, although goodness knows whom he is trying to fool, the Doctor opens the door, takes two enthusiastic strides into the TARDIS and then pauses. “Wait, was that salt?”

Derren is slightly embarrassed; he had been hoping for slightly more warning of the Doctor’s return, so he could remove the salt line and avoid any mockery. Still, at least he can now be certain that the Doctor isn’t a restless spirit. That’s something.

“Good,” the Doctor says. “Sensible. Of course, ghosts can’t get into the TARDIS anyway, but it’s good to know you’re taking care of yourself.”

“Oh,” Derren says. “You could have told me that earlier.” Then something occurs to him. “Wait, if the spirit definitely can’t follow us, we can just leave, can’t we?”

“What, and miss the end of the adventure?”

“When we left Sam and Dean, they were heading for the library,” Derren points out. “I’m not sure it’s going to be a terribly exciting ending.”

“They’ve still got to burn the body, though. The spirit might try to stop them. That could be exciting. We could help.”

There is a pause.

“No,” says Derren.

“Why not?”

“The last time I met this spirit, it tried to rip out my heart,” Derren says. “I’m not hugely keen on a second encounter.”

“You shouldn’t judge on first impressions.”

“I actually have no idea whether you’re being serious or not. Please don’t send me back to the homicidal ghost.”

“What if they need our help?”

“Oh, yes, I’m sure the muscular and experienced ghost-hunters need my help. Perhaps I can distract the spirit with a couple of impressive card tricks.”

Derren Brown/Supernatural: Castiel and Dean discuss Derren-the-angel.

“Derren. Right,” Dean says. “You sure he’s an angel? ’Cause that beard looks pretty demonic to me.”

“Facial hair is not intrinsically demonic,” Castiel explains. This is, he understands, a common misconception. “As demons do not have physical forms of their own, any facial hair is that of the host. In fact, many demons are aware of the stereotype and are careful to keep the host clean-shaven. And I am sure that Derren is an angel.”

Dean looks at Castiel for a time, and then he says, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Castiel says, although he suspects that Dean has not truly committed the information to heart.

Peep Show/Silent Hill: Mark goes to Silent Hill and Jeremy follows him.

"Hello!" he calls, beaming. "Pleased to see me?"

Mark is pleased to see him. Mark is pathetically, shamefully pleased to see him. But... "Er, hang on," he says. "How can you be here? How can you afford to be here?"

"Oh, that," Jeremy says, looking exceedingly pleased with himself. "Funny story. Remember a couple of weeks ago, when you woke up with all that cash missing and I said you'd bought drinks and you wanted to know what sort of round cost that much and I said Superhans was there and you stopped asking?"

He looks as if he wants to be congratulated. Admittedly, Mark's money involuntarily going towards bringing Jeremy to him in America when he's scared and alone is an improvement on its making its way slowly through Superhans' much-abused digestive tract, but Mark is not entirely prepared to endorse his being robbed.

Charlie Brooker/David Mitchell: awkward steps towards a relationship.

“Do you want to come back to mine?” Charlie asks. “I’ve got a column to write, so I’ll probably be incredibly dull, but we could... I don’t know. You probably don’t really fancy sitting in awkward silence for an evening, do you?”

David shrugs. “There are probably worse ways to spend an evening.”

“There are definitely better.”

“Well, that may be so, but at least you’re not suggesting we volunteer ourselves as test subjects for amateur surgeons.”

“I did think the amateur surgeons might be a bit much for the first date.”

David laughs a little, but it’s awkward, and the atmosphere immediately becomes a little less comfortable.

Merlin: Merlin and Gwen swap bodies.

It’s gone, he realises, and he sits bolt upright in the bed. His magic is gone, and he doesn’t have to hide any more, he doesn’t have to lie any more, but – but magic is all he has, and Arthur can barely keep himself alive one day to the next without Merlin muttering some incantation behind his back, how’s he supposed to...

He is so busy panicking that it takes him several seconds to register that this isn’t his bed.

Also, he has breasts.

Some of these may eventually be finished! Some of them, alas, probably won't be. In any case, I hope you've enjoyed the snippets.

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This is incredibly funny, and I laughed myself nearly to death reading this! Patrick Jane is awesome, and I really want him to meet Shaun Spencer, just so everyone else can deal with the "Oh God, there's two of them!" reaction.

I love how you write Castiel. It makes me want to hug him.

Jeremy would be one of the better people to run across in Silent Hill, as he'd be hard to suck in (beyond "Mark's gone forever!", it's hard to think what would seriously scare or disturb him).

I think Jeremy could be really interesting in Silent Hill. I think he has the potential to experience guilt; he just doesn't really use it. He'd certainly be better off than Mark 'I feel guilty about everything from the pollution caused by Chinese industrialisation to not wearing some pairs of boxers as much as others' Corrigan, though.

It would take a lot of work to bring the guilt out. Silent Hill would have to put some real effort in. Mark seems to be one of the easiest points to focus on. Jeremy genuinely gets distressed about the prospect of Mark leaving, and "Mark is gone and it's your fault" could hit him rather nastily.

Mark would be a ridiculously easy target. The trick would be to make it distinct from his real life.

Oh, Charlie. Oh, David. So awkward. So adorable.

Merlin made me laugh.

Their awkwardness makes them almost slightly painful to write, but I love them so. Thank you!

That Jane/Cho is amazing.

Thank you! Patrick Jane is far too much fun to write.

Epic! :D

I like the Peep Show ones (awkward!). And, of course, any further adventures of Jack/Balthier/Fran makes my day! :D They need a TV show.

They really do need a TV show! They are such a delightful trio. I still sometimes forget that they are not canonically acquainted.

Could you let

newbie1990 know that she got paid time as well? Thanks.

The ficsnippets are awesome.

- Anon (not Derren Brown)

Thank you so much! I may possibly be slightly too attached to the features of a paid account. (And thanks for getting

newbie1990 paid time as well, because she is amazing and deserves it.)

She should have got an e-mail from Livejournal to inform her. Do you want me to phone her? She's quite nervous on the telephone; I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable.

If she's likely to know anyway, don't worry about it. Don't call if she's going to be uncomfortable. I just didn't know if she'd notice or not.

- Anon (Not a unicorn either)

Oh man, please say the last one is at least getting worked on at some point? I have such love for bodyswap fics...

I haven't worked on it for a while, but I'd like to return to it at some point, because I think it's a scenario that could be a great deal of fun.

Just about all I know of Silent Hill comes from you, and I know a tiny bit about Peep Show, but that crossover is amazing.

Also, awww, awkward Brooker/Mitchell <3

Thank you! (That snippet is actually all I've written of the Peep Show/Silent Hill crossover, alas, but I think as a concept it definitely has potential. Silent Hill would have such fun with Mark Corrigan.)

Okay, Patrick Jane needs to stop getting his sex tips from The Canterbury Tales, the Doctor would SO brag about his TARDIS, and I like how Derren, in the face of a ghost, is all 'let's be sensible and HIDE'. Good man.

WHY WOULD YOU PUT MARK IN SILENT HILL. WHY.

Awkward dates! Aww!

"You Are The Best Winner I've Ever Seen."

How would Charlie Brooker fare in the world of Portal?

MARK BELONGS IN SILENT HILL. It had to happen eventually. He's the perfect subject.

The subject line was actually a reference to Upgrade Complete, rather than Portal, but Brooker in the world of Portal could be interesting, particularly as he has in fact played the game (he describes it as 'An astounding accomplishment; part abstract brainteaser, part sci-fi thriller, part black comedy. Imagine being stuck inside a 3D puzzle with a playfully cruel sense of humour. Something that simply couldn't be replicated in any other medium'). I'm not sure he'd have the agility required to cope with the test in real life.

I've barely seen any Peep Show and I half-want to rescue him! Are we sure he's not in Silent Hill during Peep Show already?

Certainly there would be very little difference between his perception of Silent Hill and his day-to-day life.

protection from advertising

Do you not have ff or chrome + adblock plus?

*reads fic* LOLOLOLOLOL :DDDDDD

I don't have adblock, no. Most of the time, adverts don't really bother me, provided they're not of the virus-installing variety, but for some reason I have a particular aversion to them on Livejournal.

I'm glad these could amuse!

Who/FF12 is ADORABLE. Doctor, you are so in love with the TARDIS skjgndfgkjhsfdg.

OH MAN, LEON AND SEIFER AND HAYNER ;_________; THIS IS ADORABLE. Oh, ~~Squall~~ Leon. Also, lol Seifer, "I want you to apologise for my FACE."

Also, "But if we're climbing trees, I'm putting my pants back on." made me laugh far more than it should. As did Lisbon's open-mouthed gaping and general "I don't think I want to know" attitude. THIS IS FABULOUS.

"Also, he has breasts" is possibly the best thing I have ever read.

I am so curious about how Leon and Seifer got their scars in the Kingdom Hearts world. There's a story there. WE ARE ALL SORRY ABOUT YOUR FACE, SEIFER. IT IS DEEPLY UNFORTUNATE. ...er, please put the gunblade away.

Ah, poor put-upon Lisbon. I do love her so.

Thank you!

You just made it okay that there wasn't a new episode of The Mentalist this week. <3

Hee, glad you enjoyed it! (I've fallen a bit behind on The Mentalist; I really should catch up at some point.)

You really, really should. They've been on a roll with superb episodes.

Oh, I love it so much when you post snips! ♥ Even though most of these are fandoms I'm not familiar with, I always enjoy your writing.

“It’s eighty billion times more powerful than yours,” the Doctor retorted, nettled.

♥♥♥

I'm glad you enjoy them! Your writing is always a joy, so I'm immensely excited when you like mine.

I may have just laughed rather embarrassingly loudly at "Perhaps I can distract the spirit with a couple of impressive card tricks." Fortunately there wasn't anyone around to hear it.

Your Castiel is adorable. (Clearly the demonic facial hair is explained by the fact that Derren is an angel of the fallen variety. I think this is actually now canon in my head and I now have an overwhelming urge to make an angel!Derren icon)

Thank you! I feel I'm on very shaky ground indeed when writing Castiel (not helped by the fact that his characterisation in canon is slightly inconsistent), but I'm glad you enjoyed him.

*giggle* You write Derren so well. :D In other news, this (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/8577537.stm) is Charlie Brooker being adorable.

Awww, that's a lovely video! Thank you so much for the link! I love it when he talks about videogames.

I didn't even know I wanted to read Jane/Cho until I read that and now I want more! Oh my god, that was perfection.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Pairing Jane up with anyone is always fun.

Jane would just be so infuriating and honestly Cho is the only one I see just kind of taking it in stride. So awesome! Hahah. :D

Riona, if you don't finish the Merlin&Gwen bodyswap, please please pleeeease post all you've written. Or, idk, I will write tales of Merlin and Gwen sadly awaiting the fic and wondering how they will live without knowing how they would cope if they swapped bodies (and in Gwen's case, how different the world would be if Merlin had magic).

Here is a condensed review because I am tired and awful like the scent of rotten eggs.

“Having encountered the charming Dr Harper, Jack,” Balthier said, folding his arms, “I have to confess that I hold a rather poor opinion of those you call your ‘friends’, and I’ll thank you not to include us among them.”

HILARIOUSEST. I mean. It is perfect and there is no other word for it. I laughed aloud and I don't even know the fandom.

I LOVE HOW YOU HAVE WORKED DOCTOR/TARDIS IN. People working in marvellous little ships has become a thing for me lately. And Balthier is AMAZING. If there was a Doctor Who spinoff about them I would watch it religiously. Well. If it was written by you/to you-standard, I would. If it became a hideous angstfest like Torchwood probably not.

Hayner and Seifer and Leon are intriguing and epic.

ASJDHAS YOUR JANE/CHO. How is everything you write so perfectly IC? Do you steal scripts from the future/scripts that couldn't be used due to slashy content? Do you have clones of every writer in the world in a storehouse somewhere? YOU AMAZE ME.

RIONA ALL OF THESE ARE HILARIOUS

I ONLY HAVE SO MANY WAYS TO SAY HILARIOUS

I'M PRETTY SURE I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT ALL OF THEM WHEN I FIRST READ IT

Oh, adorable!Derren is my favourite Derren, by the way, so I'm glad he is there in the DW/SPN bit. Being comedy award-winning funny.

The idea of angel!Derren is weirdly fascinating to me. Possibly becauise I am kind of obsessed with angels right now. ALSO CASTIEL IS, YOU GUESSED IT, HILARIOUS. He is so earnest! And concrned the Dean has not taken the information to heart! ♥!

OH MAN, THE PEEP SHOW/SILENT HILL IS FREAKING HYSTERICAL. Jeremy is so pleased with himself! I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. NO, SERIOUSLY, I KEEP LAUGHING. (For a second when he said 'how can you afford to be here' I thought Silent Hill was a resort Mark had paid endless money to be at.) I can't actually expain the wonder of it.

The Brooker/Mitchell is so witty! And awkward and lovely and perfectly themmm.

AND THE MERLIN. YOUR MERLIN ♥. So worried and confuuused :3. COMIC TIMING, YOU HAVE IT.

I hope I'll finish the bodyswap some day! Alas, at the moment I have only eight hundred words or so. (I do have to point out that 'finish your fic or I shall be forced to write fanfiction' may not be the most effective threat.)

I am glad you think Balthier is amazing despite not being familiar with his fandom, because Balthier is amazing. Here, to illustrate, is a video in which Balthier and Fran kidnap a guy and zoom off on a flying motorbike. YEAH.

(For a second when he said 'how can you afford to be here' I thought Silent Hill was a resort Mark had paid endless money to be at.)

I cracked up at this. I think Silent Hill is supposed to be quite a nice little resort town when it's not BEING EVIL, but, er, no, that wasn't the intention.

Thank you so much for your lovely lovely comments!

W-What happens in those eight hundred words? A-And what is your plot? I AM CURIOUS, OKAY, IT SOUNDS REALLY GOOD.

I like how his response to explosions is 'what an entrance'. ALSO SHE CATCHES HIM WITH THE BIKE, THAT IS WAY COOL.

It would be just the luck of Mark Corrigan to spend thousands of pounds at what he thinks will finally be a good holiday (I have no knowledge of Mark's holidays thus far, BUT I AM GUESSING THEY ARE DISASTROUS), only to end up in Silent Hill. And then Jeremy somehow manages to make Silent Hill worse just by being there.

I can't imagine what Mark would see in Silent Hill. How to make his life even worse? And Jeremy doesn't appear to feel guilt. Perhaps Silent Hill will be all about their repressed love for each other. PERHAPS. Or maybe Silent Hill feels sorry for Mark and tries to give him a lovely time and Pyramid Head becomes a lovely woman who likes him and doesn't care for small talk and JEREMY APPEARS AND RUINS IT ALL.

I don't have much of a plot at the moment, I have to confess, but what definitely happens is that Arthur finds out about Merlin's magic because Gwen can't control it in his body.

(I have no knowledge of Mark's holidays thus far, BUT I AM GUESSING THEY ARE DISASTROUS)

As Mark's holidays have ended variously in accidentally getting engaged, unwillingly getting involved in arson, thinking Jeremy's killed himself and being offered a job, only to have it snatched away when Jeremy unintentionally kills and eats the job-offerer's daughter's dog, you would be correct. Oh, Mark. Your life would be so much simpler if there weren't a Jeremy in it, but of course you can never leave each other.

Or maybe Silent Hill feels sorry for Mark and tries to give him a lovely time and Pyramid Head becomes a lovely woman who likes him and doesn't care for small talk and JEREMY APPEARS AND RUINS IT ALL.

This idea is hilarious. Poor Mark!

OH HEY

Ooooh, and is his reaction also definite? Intriguing.

D: I saw the tail end of the dog episode. I was kind of hoping I had dreamt it, that is a bit horrifying.

The best part of the Mentalist one is that I can hear Cho giving phonesex in his deadpan tone the entire time. It's fantastic. XD

I also adore the continued adventures of the time-travelling airship pirates and the Merlin bodyswap and everything involving Derren Brown. I adore how your fics always have such absurd premises and are always perfectly in character. Are you going to finish these? Please finish these! <3

Oh my heart the KH one <3

I have always craved more Seifer backstory.

I'm so curious about Seifer and Squall in the Kingdom Hearts universe. If they're different ages and live in different worlds, how did they get their scars?

Kingdom Hearts Seifer is hilarious. I hope he shows up again in future titles.

(Here from Paint It Red (http://www.paint-it-red.com), where you've been nominated for an award)

I'm not normally big on Mentalist slash, but that was so utterly adorable. Is it bad that Lisbon's reactions were probably my favourite part of it though? I love her, probably to an unhealthy extent. :-)

Thank you so much; I'm glad you enjoyed it! (Not bad at all; I love Lisbon endlessly.) And I'm very excited to hear I've been nominated!

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You Are The Best Winner I've Ever Seen.

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I'm a month late with this, but:

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