Riona (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rionaleonhart) wrote2010-03-19 08:54 am
rionaleonhart) wrote2010-03-19 08:54 am
Entry tags:
- british comedians,
- charlie brooker,
- crossovers,
- derren brown,
- derren brown for companion,
- doctor who,
- fanfiction,
- fanfiction (really this time),
- final fantasy,
- final fantasy viii,
- final fantasy xii,
- ithuriel is derren brown,
- kingdom hearts,
- merlin,
- mitchell and/or webb,
- my friends are cooler than yours,
- peep show,
- silent hill,
- supernatural,
- the mentalist,
- time-travelling sky pirates of ivalice,
- weird pairings,
- whoctor do and other anagrams
You Are The Best Winner I've Ever Seen.
Oh, my goodness, who renewed my Paid time? Thank you so much! I was just resigning myself to being without comment-editing and polls and userpics and protection from advertising, and all of a sudden: unexpected anonymous loveliness! Amazing!
I'd love to do something for you, anonymous benefactor, but of course I don't know who you are and so I don't know what would interest you. I HOPE YOU LIKE SNIPPETS OF UNFINISHED FANFICTION, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE APPARENTLY GETTING. (Obviously these are for all of you, not just my anonymous benefactor.)
Doctor Who/Final Fantasy XII: Jack Harkness introduces Balthier and Fran to the Doctor.
“Doctor, these are my friends,” Jack said, eagerly. “This is Balthier, and this is Fran. We’ve been travelling together.”
“Having encountered the charming Dr Harper, Jack,” Balthier said, folding his arms, “I have to confess that I hold a rather poor opinion of those you call your ‘friends’, and I’ll thank you not to include us among them.”
Jack grinned, a little sheepishly. “Owen Harper,” he explained to the Doctor. “One of my team. He – ”
“Ah,” the Doctor said.
Jack raised his eyebrows. “Have you met him, then?”
“Yes,” the Doctor said. “Well, no. I’ve met him, but he hasn’t met me. Not yet.”
“Right,” Jack, to whom this apparently made perfect sense, said. Balthier looked rather perplexed, but Fran understood immediately.
“He is a time-traveller also?”
“Ah, of course,” Balthier said. “I’m not sure I’ll ever become entirely used to all this. And that peculiar blue object in which he arrived is...?”
“My spaceship,” the Doctor explained, proudly. “She’s called the TARDIS.”
“I see.” Balthier had started to walk slowly around the TARDIS, inspecting it from every angle. “It’s not the most elegant design, is it?”
“It’s eighty billion times more powerful than yours,” the Doctor retorted, nettled.
“Childishness,” Balthier said, amused, “will get us nowhere.”
“It’s not childish,” the Doctor said; “it is scientific fact. Eighty billion at least. Although you do have a very nice airship,” he conceded.
Kingdom Hearts II: Hayner and Seifer meet Leon in Hollow Bastion.
Hayner was sure he’d never met Leon before, but there was something vaguely familiar about him. He’d felt something similar when he’d first met Sora: a sense that something was almost there, but not quite.
“You bastard,” Seifer snarled, shoving Hayner to one side and stalking forward, and suddenly Hayner realised what that thing was. “You gave me my scar.”
“What the hell?” Hayner demanded. “He’s, like, way, way older than you.” He turned to stare at Leon. “I mean, I get it, Seifer pisses me off too, but that’s kind of messed up.”
Leon didn’t seem to hear him. He was looking at Seifer as if he were seeing a ghost, which was why Hayner wasn’t totally surprised when he said, “I thought you were dead.”
“Because you cut his head open with your giant sword?” Hayner asked. Now that he really looked at it, Leon’s sword had the handle of a gun. Like Seifer’s. Like Hyperion.
“I’m sorry,” Leon said, not to Hayner. “I couldn’t save this world.”
“Yeah,” Seifer said, with a short laugh. “Because you’re the only one who could’ve saved it, right? I don’t need an apology for that. I want you to apologise for my face.”
The Mentalist: Jane and Cho have fairly unsuccessful phonesex.
"Lisbon's here, by the way," Jane says. "I'll let you guess whether she's really here or it's just part of the scenario."
A pause.
"She's actually there, isn't she?"
"I'm not going to tell you. Take all the fun out of guessing. You're not a fan of voyeurism?"
Oh my God, Lisbon mouths from across the room, what are you talking about?
"I'm not a fan of being watched."
"Interesting clarification," Jane says, stirring his tea.
"Psychoanalysis," Cho says. "That's erotic. About on the same level as calling this a 'scenario'."
"All right," Jane says, after taking a sip. "Where were we?"
"Lisbon still there?"
Jane looks up at Lisbon over the rim of his teacup. "She can't have left if she was never really here, can she?"
Which isn't technically a lie. What Cho doesn't know won't hurt him.
"I was unbuttoning your shirt."
"Why are you unbuttoning my shirt, anyway?" Jane asks, taking another sip of tea and settling himself more comfortably against the cushions. "Where's the romance in that? No ripping my clothes off, unable to control yourself, and flinging them over the branches of the tree?"
Lisbon is gaping at him. He makes a 'close your mouth' gesture.
"You hate it when your clothes get damaged," Cho says. "And I thought we were on Lisbon's desk."
"I think we should be in a tree. Let's be in a tree. The boss's office is such a cliché."
"I think that would probably be uncomfortable."
"It'll be fine. Come on."
"All right," Cho says. "But if we're climbing trees, I'm putting my pants back on."
"We're already up there. Lisbon's desk is in the tree."
"My desk is where?"
There is a pause.
"That was Lisbon, wasn't it?" Cho asks.
"Oh, hey, Lisbon!" Jane says, with an affected start.
Lisbon stares at him.
"I'm not sure this is going to work," says Cho.
Derren Brown/Doctor Who/Supernatural: Derren and the Doctor, post-restless-spirit encounter.
The Winchesters depart to find out more information, Sam having taken Derren’s telephone number, and the Doctor invites Derren to look in more depth at some of the artwork in the mansion. Derren’s response approximates to ‘you’ve got to be fucking joking, I’ll wait in the TARDIS’, and so he does.
When Derren has been pretending that he is actually reading rather than listening in terror for spectral noises for a couple of hours, although goodness knows whom he is trying to fool, the Doctor opens the door, takes two enthusiastic strides into the TARDIS and then pauses. “Wait, was that salt?”
Derren is slightly embarrassed; he had been hoping for slightly more warning of the Doctor’s return, so he could remove the salt line and avoid any mockery. Still, at least he can now be certain that the Doctor isn’t a restless spirit. That’s something.
“Good,” the Doctor says. “Sensible. Of course, ghosts can’t get into the TARDIS anyway, but it’s good to know you’re taking care of yourself.”
“Oh,” Derren says. “You could have told me that earlier.” Then something occurs to him. “Wait, if the spirit definitely can’t follow us, we can just leave, can’t we?”
“What, and miss the end of the adventure?”
“When we left Sam and Dean, they were heading for the library,” Derren points out. “I’m not sure it’s going to be a terribly exciting ending.”
“They’ve still got to burn the body, though. The spirit might try to stop them. That could be exciting. We could help.”
There is a pause.
“No,” says Derren.
“Why not?”
“The last time I met this spirit, it tried to rip out my heart,” Derren says. “I’m not hugely keen on a second encounter.”
“You shouldn’t judge on first impressions.”
“I actually have no idea whether you’re being serious or not. Please don’t send me back to the homicidal ghost.”
“What if they need our help?”
“Oh, yes, I’m sure the muscular and experienced ghost-hunters need my help. Perhaps I can distract the spirit with a couple of impressive card tricks.”
Derren Brown/Supernatural: Castiel and Dean discuss Derren-the-angel.
“Derren. Right,” Dean says. “You sure he’s an angel? ’Cause that beard looks pretty demonic to me.”
“Facial hair is not intrinsically demonic,” Castiel explains. This is, he understands, a common misconception. “As demons do not have physical forms of their own, any facial hair is that of the host. In fact, many demons are aware of the stereotype and are careful to keep the host clean-shaven. And I am sure that Derren is an angel.”
Dean looks at Castiel for a time, and then he says, “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Castiel says, although he suspects that Dean has not truly committed the information to heart.
Peep Show/Silent Hill: Mark goes to Silent Hill and Jeremy follows him.
"Hello!" he calls, beaming. "Pleased to see me?"
Mark is pleased to see him. Mark is pathetically, shamefully pleased to see him. But... "Er, hang on," he says. "How can you be here? How can you afford to be here?"
"Oh, that," Jeremy says, looking exceedingly pleased with himself. "Funny story. Remember a couple of weeks ago, when you woke up with all that cash missing and I said you'd bought drinks and you wanted to know what sort of round cost that much and I said Superhans was there and you stopped asking?"
He looks as if he wants to be congratulated. Admittedly, Mark's money involuntarily going towards bringing Jeremy to him in America when he's scared and alone is an improvement on its making its way slowly through Superhans' much-abused digestive tract, but Mark is not entirely prepared to endorse his being robbed.
Charlie Brooker/David Mitchell: awkward steps towards a relationship.
“Do you want to come back to mine?” Charlie asks. “I’ve got a column to write, so I’ll probably be incredibly dull, but we could... I don’t know. You probably don’t really fancy sitting in awkward silence for an evening, do you?”
David shrugs. “There are probably worse ways to spend an evening.”
“There are definitely better.”
“Well, that may be so, but at least you’re not suggesting we volunteer ourselves as test subjects for amateur surgeons.”
“I did think the amateur surgeons might be a bit much for the first date.”
David laughs a little, but it’s awkward, and the atmosphere immediately becomes a little less comfortable.
Merlin: Merlin and Gwen swap bodies.
It’s gone, he realises, and he sits bolt upright in the bed. His magic is gone, and he doesn’t have to hide any more, he doesn’t have to lie any more, but – but magic is all he has, and Arthur can barely keep himself alive one day to the next without Merlin muttering some incantation behind his back, how’s he supposed to...
He is so busy panicking that it takes him several seconds to register that this isn’t his bed.
Also, he has breasts.
Some of these may eventually be finished! Some of them, alas, probably won't be. In any case, I hope you've enjoyed the snippets.
I'd love to do something for you, anonymous benefactor, but of course I don't know who you are and so I don't know what would interest you. I HOPE YOU LIKE SNIPPETS OF UNFINISHED FANFICTION, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE APPARENTLY GETTING. (Obviously these are for all of you, not just my anonymous benefactor.)
Doctor Who/Final Fantasy XII: Jack Harkness introduces Balthier and Fran to the Doctor.
“Doctor, these are my friends,” Jack said, eagerly. “This is Balthier, and this is Fran. We’ve been travelling together.”
“Having encountered the charming Dr Harper, Jack,” Balthier said, folding his arms, “I have to confess that I hold a rather poor opinion of those you call your ‘friends’, and I’ll thank you not to include us among them.”
Jack grinned, a little sheepishly. “Owen Harper,” he explained to the Doctor. “One of my team. He – ”
“Ah,” the Doctor said.
Jack raised his eyebrows. “Have you met him, then?”
“Yes,” the Doctor said. “Well, no. I’ve met him, but he hasn’t met me. Not yet.”
“Right,” Jack, to whom this apparently made perfect sense, said. Balthier looked rather perplexed, but Fran understood immediately.
“He is a time-traveller also?”
“Ah, of course,” Balthier said. “I’m not sure I’ll ever become entirely used to all this. And that peculiar blue object in which he arrived is...?”
“My spaceship,” the Doctor explained, proudly. “She’s called the TARDIS.”
“I see.” Balthier had started to walk slowly around the TARDIS, inspecting it from every angle. “It’s not the most elegant design, is it?”
“It’s eighty billion times more powerful than yours,” the Doctor retorted, nettled.
“Childishness,” Balthier said, amused, “will get us nowhere.”
“It’s not childish,” the Doctor said; “it is scientific fact. Eighty billion at least. Although you do have a very nice airship,” he conceded.
Kingdom Hearts II: Hayner and Seifer meet Leon in Hollow Bastion.
Hayner was sure he’d never met Leon before, but there was something vaguely familiar about him. He’d felt something similar when he’d first met Sora: a sense that something was almost there, but not quite.
“You bastard,” Seifer snarled, shoving Hayner to one side and stalking forward, and suddenly Hayner realised what that thing was. “You gave me my scar.”
“What the hell?” Hayner demanded. “He’s, like, way, way older than you.” He turned to stare at Leon. “I mean, I get it, Seifer pisses me off too, but that’s kind of messed up.”
Leon didn’t seem to hear him. He was looking at Seifer as if he were seeing a ghost, which was why Hayner wasn’t totally surprised when he said, “I thought you were dead.”
“Because you cut his head open with your giant sword?” Hayner asked. Now that he really looked at it, Leon’s sword had the handle of a gun. Like Seifer’s. Like Hyperion.
“I’m sorry,” Leon said, not to Hayner. “I couldn’t save this world.”
“Yeah,” Seifer said, with a short laugh. “Because you’re the only one who could’ve saved it, right? I don’t need an apology for that. I want you to apologise for my face.”
The Mentalist: Jane and Cho have fairly unsuccessful phonesex.
"Lisbon's here, by the way," Jane says. "I'll let you guess whether she's really here or it's just part of the scenario."
A pause.
"She's actually there, isn't she?"
"I'm not going to tell you. Take all the fun out of guessing. You're not a fan of voyeurism?"
Oh my God, Lisbon mouths from across the room, what are you talking about?
"I'm not a fan of being watched."
"Interesting clarification," Jane says, stirring his tea.
"Psychoanalysis," Cho says. "That's erotic. About on the same level as calling this a 'scenario'."
"All right," Jane says, after taking a sip. "Where were we?"
"Lisbon still there?"
Jane looks up at Lisbon over the rim of his teacup. "She can't have left if she was never really here, can she?"
Which isn't technically a lie. What Cho doesn't know won't hurt him.
"I was unbuttoning your shirt."
"Why are you unbuttoning my shirt, anyway?" Jane asks, taking another sip of tea and settling himself more comfortably against the cushions. "Where's the romance in that? No ripping my clothes off, unable to control yourself, and flinging them over the branches of the tree?"
Lisbon is gaping at him. He makes a 'close your mouth' gesture.
"You hate it when your clothes get damaged," Cho says. "And I thought we were on Lisbon's desk."
"I think we should be in a tree. Let's be in a tree. The boss's office is such a cliché."
"I think that would probably be uncomfortable."
"It'll be fine. Come on."
"All right," Cho says. "But if we're climbing trees, I'm putting my pants back on."
"We're already up there. Lisbon's desk is in the tree."
"My desk is where?"
There is a pause.
"That was Lisbon, wasn't it?" Cho asks.
"Oh, hey, Lisbon!" Jane says, with an affected start.
Lisbon stares at him.
"I'm not sure this is going to work," says Cho.
Derren Brown/Doctor Who/Supernatural: Derren and the Doctor, post-restless-spirit encounter.
The Winchesters depart to find out more information, Sam having taken Derren’s telephone number, and the Doctor invites Derren to look in more depth at some of the artwork in the mansion. Derren’s response approximates to ‘you’ve got to be fucking joking, I’ll wait in the TARDIS’, and so he does.
When Derren has been pretending that he is actually reading rather than listening in terror for spectral noises for a couple of hours, although goodness knows whom he is trying to fool, the Doctor opens the door, takes two enthusiastic strides into the TARDIS and then pauses. “Wait, was that salt?”
Derren is slightly embarrassed; he had been hoping for slightly more warning of the Doctor’s return, so he could remove the salt line and avoid any mockery. Still, at least he can now be certain that the Doctor isn’t a restless spirit. That’s something.
“Good,” the Doctor says. “Sensible. Of course, ghosts can’t get into the TARDIS anyway, but it’s good to know you’re taking care of yourself.”
“Oh,” Derren says. “You could have told me that earlier.” Then something occurs to him. “Wait, if the spirit definitely can’t follow us, we can just leave, can’t we?”
“What, and miss the end of the adventure?”
“When we left Sam and Dean, they were heading for the library,” Derren points out. “I’m not sure it’s going to be a terribly exciting ending.”
“They’ve still got to burn the body, though. The spirit might try to stop them. That could be exciting. We could help.”
There is a pause.
“No,” says Derren.
“Why not?”
“The last time I met this spirit, it tried to rip out my heart,” Derren says. “I’m not hugely keen on a second encounter.”
“You shouldn’t judge on first impressions.”
“I actually have no idea whether you’re being serious or not. Please don’t send me back to the homicidal ghost.”
“What if they need our help?”
“Oh, yes, I’m sure the muscular and experienced ghost-hunters need my help. Perhaps I can distract the spirit with a couple of impressive card tricks.”
Derren Brown/Supernatural: Castiel and Dean discuss Derren-the-angel.
“Derren. Right,” Dean says. “You sure he’s an angel? ’Cause that beard looks pretty demonic to me.”
“Facial hair is not intrinsically demonic,” Castiel explains. This is, he understands, a common misconception. “As demons do not have physical forms of their own, any facial hair is that of the host. In fact, many demons are aware of the stereotype and are careful to keep the host clean-shaven. And I am sure that Derren is an angel.”
Dean looks at Castiel for a time, and then he says, “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” Castiel says, although he suspects that Dean has not truly committed the information to heart.
Peep Show/Silent Hill: Mark goes to Silent Hill and Jeremy follows him.
"Hello!" he calls, beaming. "Pleased to see me?"
Mark is pleased to see him. Mark is pathetically, shamefully pleased to see him. But... "Er, hang on," he says. "How can you be here? How can you afford to be here?"
"Oh, that," Jeremy says, looking exceedingly pleased with himself. "Funny story. Remember a couple of weeks ago, when you woke up with all that cash missing and I said you'd bought drinks and you wanted to know what sort of round cost that much and I said Superhans was there and you stopped asking?"
He looks as if he wants to be congratulated. Admittedly, Mark's money involuntarily going towards bringing Jeremy to him in America when he's scared and alone is an improvement on its making its way slowly through Superhans' much-abused digestive tract, but Mark is not entirely prepared to endorse his being robbed.
Charlie Brooker/David Mitchell: awkward steps towards a relationship.
“Do you want to come back to mine?” Charlie asks. “I’ve got a column to write, so I’ll probably be incredibly dull, but we could... I don’t know. You probably don’t really fancy sitting in awkward silence for an evening, do you?”
David shrugs. “There are probably worse ways to spend an evening.”
“There are definitely better.”
“Well, that may be so, but at least you’re not suggesting we volunteer ourselves as test subjects for amateur surgeons.”
“I did think the amateur surgeons might be a bit much for the first date.”
David laughs a little, but it’s awkward, and the atmosphere immediately becomes a little less comfortable.
Merlin: Merlin and Gwen swap bodies.
It’s gone, he realises, and he sits bolt upright in the bed. His magic is gone, and he doesn’t have to hide any more, he doesn’t have to lie any more, but – but magic is all he has, and Arthur can barely keep himself alive one day to the next without Merlin muttering some incantation behind his back, how’s he supposed to...
He is so busy panicking that it takes him several seconds to register that this isn’t his bed.
Also, he has breasts.
Some of these may eventually be finished! Some of them, alas, probably won't be. In any case, I hope you've enjoyed the snippets.
no subject
I'm not normally big on Mentalist slash, but that was so utterly adorable. Is it bad that Lisbon's reactions were probably my favourite part of it though? I love her, probably to an unhealthy extent. :-)
no subject