rionaleonhart | Pining For What She Could Not Have.

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Pining For What She Could Not Have.

Right now, I'm sort of between fic-writing periods, which is never a good thing, because it means that my mind will desperately hunt for a writing project and suggest ideas regardless of how utterly terrible they are. Right now, it's telling me that I should write about Top Gear Dog's slow realisation that Jeremy is her One True Love, when she had previously believed it to be James. It would be utterly ridiculous, overblown angstfic, and it would contain the line 'She gazed through the Doggles and felt the wind in her fur and dreamt of speed and power and Clarkson', and it would be written purely to annoy

dracothelizard after our ridiculous Jeremy/Top Gear Dog versus James/Top Gear Dog 'shipwar, and it would be the worst idea ever.

I have no idea what purpose this entry serves. Essentially, it's a glaring 'HEY, IF YOU WANT TO FORCE ME TO WRITE CRACKFIC THAT I WILL ETERNALLY REGRET AFTERWARDS, I AM ESPECIALLY VULNERABLE AT THIS POINT.' Which means that, er, it would probably be a very bad idea to post it.

But I suppose that any ideas distracting me from 'But he was a human and she was a Labradoodle; alas, their love could never be' can only be a good thing.

(EDIT: I can't believe I haven't recced

lakester's amazing Jeremy Clarkson/Bugatti Veyron fanvid here yet. WATCH IT, DAMN YOU. It makes man/vehicle astonishingly hot.)

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Two words: Piers Morgan.

Or The Stig :D

Also, that line gives me very, very bad thoughts and makes me wonder if it's another Assassing!Jeremy AU who has just kidnapped James for some reason.

My TG and James swapfic is here (http://community.livejournal.com/topgearslash/518617.html) by the way.

I'm imagining a sort of 'Right, I'm in love with James. How am I supposed to get him?

...I shall kidnap him and force him to fall in love with me! MY PLAN IS FLAWLESS.'

*howls*

"No, James, really, it's all right, I want to, er, test the bootspace. Yes."
"Mmmfmfffghmmfog."
"No, James, I can't use TG, she'd throw up. Which, er, is also why I've taped your mouth shut."

Oh, good Lord, Jeremy is the least reassuring person in the world. And then, of course, there would the '...Jeremy, why exactly did you stuff me into the boot and drive me to this suspiciously romantic cliffside sunset? ...why is your hand on my leg? ...why would you ever have thought that this was a good idea?'

He would obviously go to the Isle of Man.

"I thought you liked the Isle of Man."
"You brought me here so I would have nowhere to go, didn't you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."

"James," Jeremy said, in his 'I don't have any sinister purpose despite just having kidnapped you, honestly' voice, "if I'd just wanted to make sure you couldn't go anywhere, why would I go all the way to the Isle of Man? You wouldn't have been able to find your way home from Hammersmith Broadway."

*howls at your icon*

"Clearly you're hoping that Stockholm Syndrome will set in soon. I'm going to have to disappoint you, because I'm going to call..." James grabbed his phone and frowned suddenly. "You changed the language settings!"
Jeremy grinned. "I thought of everything."

"Well, you obviously haven't thought of the fact that the number keys are still the same in Turkish," James commented, hitting the speed-dial for Hammond just before the phone was whisked out of his hands and hurled over the cliff.

James took a deep breath.

"Jeremy," he said. "If you're trying to do..." - oh, God, he couldn't bring himself to say it, it was far too insane - "...what I suspect you might be, I can assure you that this isn't the right way to go about it."

Jeremy obviously didn't see what was wrong with anything he had done. "If I had asked you to come with me, you would've said no! Also, look around! Look at that sunset! Look at me! Come on, James, you can't say you haven't considered it?"

James did look around, to see where the cameras were, and because he didn't want to look at the hand resting on his thigh.

I love you both so, so much!

Also, Riona? Your new Assassin!Clarkson icon cracks me the fuck up, it's hilarious!

What exactly were you planning to do with the line, if I might ask?

She DOES seem to have a lot of Clarkson-and-gun icons...

Uh, yeah, I did actually have a vague idea that he was kidnapping James to seduce him, but I didn't want to influence Riona's outcome ;)

Well, there IS something about that man and wanton destruction. Something scary... ;)

Well, this is terribly fun, so thank you for the line!

I seem to have developed a slightly worrying fondness for weapon-weilding Jeremy/ You have no idea how much self-restraint it took not to snap up four and nine from here as well.

Also, so you don't need to go hunting around too much, my bodyswap fic is over here.

Jeremy, however, suddenly made it very difficult indeed to ignore the hand by suddenly moving it in a direction with which James was not entirely comfortable. James inhaled sharply and whipped his head back to glare at him.

"Kindly stop that, sir."

"There's nobody else here," Jeremy said, dropping his voice, his mouth far too close to James' ear.

"Jeremy, I know it's a rarity for you, but speaking quietly isn't going to convince me."

Jeremy smirked. James would never, never understand what made the man think that being as obnoxious as possible could be a viable seduction technique. "What will?"

"If I said 'nothing', you'd just keep trying and trying, wouldn't you?" James asked. "So obviously I need to say something ridiculous, like 'buy a Cessna for me'."

"Oh no," Jeremy said. "I am not getting into a weird threesome with a small aeroplane. Also, do I need to point out that some part of you seems to like where my hand is?"

"Let's visit Piers Morgan and have him put his hand on your cock, Clarkson, and see how you react."

"...You ruined the mood now, May."

"Good."

James had rather hoped that that would be that, but the mood being utterly ruined was apparently not enough to dissuade Jeremy from stroking him through the crotch of his jeans. He supposed that, being astonishingly skilled in mood-ruining himself, Jeremy had learnt to shake these moments off.

"Do you always go straight for the genitalia?" he asked, attempting a conversational tone.

When Jeremy was in a mood like this, anything James could have said would probably have been the wrong thing to say, but this in particular was a mistake, because it evidently gave him the impression that a good snog could actually make James give in.

For a moment, James was rather startled, and definitely considered suing Jeremy for sexual harassment, but the large sum of money which he would undoubtedly get couldn't possibly be worth the headlines in the newspapers. Besides, he had the odd feeling that even if he sued Jeremy for sexual harassment, this still wouldn't dissuade Jeremy from persuing him.

And thinking this was all very well, but it meant Jeremy still had his mouth on James', and still had his hand on James' crotch, which wasn't good. Jeremy might take it as a good sign, for starters.

"Right," James said, after shoving Jeremy away. "If I have sex with you, ONCE, will you then leave me alone?"

Jeremy grinned. "I knew giving you a good snog would work."

"Giving me a good snog would work, yes," James replied pointedly.

He was going to go on to comment on the fact that Jeremy hadn't yet exactly agreed to his terms, but Jeremy clearly did not appreciate having aspersions cast upon his kissing ability and was suddenly attacking his mouth again. James noted, to his amusement, that Jeremy's idea of improving a kiss appeared to be applying more power, and then his ability to think coherently was abruptly destroyed by Jeremy making a sudden hand movement that made James almost reflexively bite his tongue off and then immediately regret not doing so.

In all this analysis, he realised after a moment, he had completely failed to actually look at how this felt. He took a second to consider this, realised that he was quite enjoying it and was so disturbed by the revelation that he pulled away immediately.

"So, is Stockholm Syndrome setting in yet?" Jeremy asked.

James blinked, he had still been wondering why on Earth he had been enjoying Jeremy's technique and immediately put it down to needing to get out more often. When even the prospect of Jeremy began to look attractive, it was a dire sign indeed. "Not really," James replied.

Jeremy sighed, and looked annoyed, but wasn't annoyed enough to stop fondling James' crotch. "I can't believe it takes this long."

James was about to say that Stockholm Syndrome usually only occurs in victims who have been kidnapped and imprisoned and presumably tied up for quite some time, but he didn't want to give Jeremy any ideas. And because of the fondling he didn't quite trust himself to speak.

Next to him, Jeremy checked his watch. "Definitely not setting a new speed-seduction record."

(Jeremy sighed, and looked annoyed, but wasn't annoyed enough to stop fondling James' crotch. - BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT LINE.)

He looked rather dejected for a moment, but then perked up, which could never mean anything good.

"You were offering sex?"

"In exchange for your never pestering me about this again," James reminded him. He had been sort of hoping Jeremy had forgotten about the 'sex' comment, actually, because he wasn't entirely certain that it had been the wisest of things to say.

"Well, obviously, you'll enjoy it so much that I won't need to," Jeremy said, with a confident smirk that James hadn't seen him sport since just before his disastrous attempt to break into the Volkswagen headquarters and steal a Bugatti Veyron.

The thought that there was the slightest chance that he might actually be right terrified James to his very core. "On second thoughts, I think I may have to withdraw the offer."

"Hang on, you can't just go back on your offer like that," Jeremy said. "That's illegal."

James stared at Jeremy. "You *kidnapped* me. You're sexually assaulting me. Pardon me, but I don't think you've got much of a legal leg to stand on."

"Legal issues aside, why can't you just stop being so idifficult? Hammond was never this difficult," Jeremy complained.

"You've done this to *Hammond?" James sad, voice slightly higher than normal, and if anyone asked, he would attribute it to the shock rather than to Jeremy's fondling.

"Of course. He was very cooperative." Jeremy grinned. "He quite liked it."

"Hammond likes the Morgan," James said, and vowed never to take Richard's taste in anything seriously ever again.

Still, at least there was some satisfaction in seeing Jeremy's growing expression of horror at the gradual realisation that, yes, he was ranked highly in the mind of a man obsessed with wooden cars and 911s.

"The Zonda's all right," he said eventually, rather weakly. James was further pleased (yes, pleased, he thought fiercely. Pleased) to notice that he seemed to have forgotten to continue caressing his privates, although he still hadn't removed his hand.

"If Hammond liked it, which I'm still not sure I believe, why do you need to go after me?" James asked, not entirely sure that he wanted to hear the answer.

"He said I couldn't," Jeremy replied. "He said 'No, James would never have sex with you, he's too uptight and prudish'."

James supposed he shouldn't be surprised he was only here being molested by his colleague because someone else had challenged him to. "So naturally you thought 'how hard can it be', and here we are."

"It can be very hard, actually." Jeremy leered at him, and consequently started fondling him again. "Come on, don't you want to prove Hammond wrong?"

"I think that failing to prove Hammond wrong is probably a lesser evil than proving you right about anything," James said, pointedly and firmly removing Jeremy's hand from his crotch. Jeremy, just as pointedly, put it back. James sighed inwardly.

"I can't help wondering why it took you so long to do that," Jeremy said, easing closer. "Or, indeed, why you haven't run screaming over the cliff yet. I'm not sure you're as unhappy about this as you'd like to think you are."

"Trust me, Clarkson, I am not playing 'hard to get'." James folded his arms.

"Considering that I've already got you, I didn't think you were," Jeremy replied.

"Whatever happened to dinner and a movie?" James asked. "Or am I being uptight and prudish?"

Jeremy frowned. "You want me to do this in public?"

Pining For What She Could Not Have.

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