rionaleonhart | Unless, Of Course, I Am Wrong.

Oh, God, I am becoming horribly embarrassed just reading this. I am feeling so utterly sorry for my fic-self! I may actually be starting to become rather annoyed with Jeremy and then having to consciously remind myself that, er, he never actually did any of this. (If the policeman reported that I said that, though, my family would definitely suspect that something was up. Also: worst policeman ever. "Oh, this girl forced her way into your car? All right; carry on.")

Oh, dear, I'm very sorry (I also feel very sorry for fic-you). I'm, er, pleased it's realistic enough for you to be embarrassed/annoyed, though. Also, yes, he is a dreadful policeman. Dreadful.

"So, then, what exactly do you love so much about me? Is it the rugged physique, or my Brad-Pitt-esque face, or..."

"Call May," snapped Hammond. "Call May now before I kill you."

"It is my body..." began Harriet.

"Yes, and that is precisely why I haven't already thrown him from the car. However, if I hear one more word about how attractive he thinks he is I'm afraid you will no longer have a body. At least not a living one."

Jeremy pouted, which was a good deal less scary now that he wasn't in his own body, and dialled May's number. Both Harriet and Richard looked rather relieved. TG nuzzled Harriet's arm, and Harriet patted her head, muttering something vaguely angry about irritating body-stealing Jeremy Clarksons who had done nothing but embarrass her ever since this mess had begun. Richard, hearing this, grinned widely and thought triumphantly that order in the world had been restored and Clarkson no longer had fangirls.

"May!" boomed Clarkson, although he was not booming nearly enough, much to his disappointment.

"Oh good, it's you," said May, rather sarcastically. "According to the news, you've been found by a policeman who Harriet - or, should I say, you - apparently said some very odd things to. Her family are very concerned. The news people are saying she's got Stockholm Syndrome. I don't think you should try to act like a teenage girl, Clarkson; you're even worse at it than you are at trying to be a sensible human being."

"I don't know why none of you believe that I'm a convincing teenage girl; I convinced that policeman well enough!"

"According to the news, he was clinically insane and had only been employed as part of a rehabilitation project."

"Ah. I'd still make a better teenage girl than you, May."

"Well, that's a great concern of mine. I'm very saddened. I think you should come back here, Jeremy. People are very annoyed with you."

"And how is Harriet supposed to explain how sorry she is for abducting herself when she's distracted by my stunning body?"

"You mean when she's distracted by her bad back and aching limbs?"

"She loves me, May. Just because you don't have any fangirls."

"I don't think she loves you after your little performance, Jeremy. In fact, I think she's probably very annoyed and plotting her revenge."

"Oh, just because Graham Norton turned you down doesn't mean you have to be cranky with me. She still adores me; how could she not?"

"I don't fancy Graham Norton, Jeremy. And I think you should apologise to your supposed fan."

"Oh, bloody hell, fine." Jeremy covere the reciever with his hand and turned around to look at Harriet, who was talking to TG. TG was listening intently. Probably helping her plot, bloody sneaky dog. TG glared at him as though she had heard that. "I'm very... very apologetic if I embarrassed you slightly; but I was still a very convincing teenage girl. I even convinced myself for a moment."

"That wasn't a very convincing apology," said Harriet. "And no-one acts like that."

"Clearly you don't know any teenage girls."

"And you do?!" exclaimed Hammond.

"I'm good at being a teenage girl, Richard; I'm the best at anything I turn my hand to."

Clarkson lifted his hand from the receiver. "James? You still there?"

"You aren't very good at saying sorry."

"You aren't very good at having normal hair."

"I'm going now, Jeremy. Please try not to embarrass anybody in the next few hours."

"I don't..." May had hung up.

(Why exactly I decided to bring May back in is beyond me; perhaps it was to prevent further embarrassment for poor, long-suffering fic-you.)

"Call May," snapped Hammond. "Call May now before I kill you."

Oh, I can so hear him saying this. Hee!

I am terribly grateful to Top Gear Dog for being so wonderfully reassuring in the midst of all this insanity. Thank you, Top Gear Dog.

Ahahaha, the policeman is insane! That explains a lot. Also, it is hilarious.

"Well, that's a great concern of mine. I'm very saddened."

Your May is the best thing ever.

Hee, talking to Top Gear Dog!

"You aren't very good at saying sorry."
"You aren't very good at having normal hair."

AHAHAHA, GLORIOUSLY NONSENSICAL COMEBACK.

(Fic-me appreciates it. As does non-fic-me, actually, because your May is so brilliantly Mayish.)

Yippee, you liked it! (Seriously, my cheeks hurt from grinning at your wonderful comment.) And yes, Top Gear Dog is a bastion of sesne and kind-heartedness in the midst of the weirdness. And, oh my God, you like my May! This makes me insanely gleeful. I love writing Jeremy. You get to make no sense whatsoever and yet it makes perfect sense.

"I don't embarrass people!" Jeremy turned to Harriet. "I've never embarrassed you, have I?"

Harriet's eyebrows shot up. "I... twice! In one day!"

"I'm still your favourite person," said Jeremy, grinning.

"Oh, not this again," groaned Hammond.

Jeremy smirked. "Jealous, are we, Hammond? You had your moment in the spotlight - admittedly, the spotlight was mostly the gleam from your teeth - and now I'm the favourite. I'm glad to see people are coming to their senses."

Hammond muttered, "It's not Jeremy's body, it's not Jeremy's body," repeatedly under his breath.

Jeremy's grin suddenly grew even wider, which hadn't actually seemed possible a few seconds ago. "Or are you jealous because I'm not paying enough attention to you? The evidence is just piling up, it really is."

Harriet perked up slightly at this. TG shook her head as though to show her disapproval. "Er, I really am curious about this evidence you keep mentioning... what is it, exactly?"

"I've told you, we'll do a deal. My evidence for your story of how exactly you fell in hopeless lust with me." Clarkson turned around expectantly.

Richard, keeping his eyes on the road this time, snapped, "I swear, if you help him, you'll be equally culpable, and I'll happily throw your body out of the car."

Harriet looked slightly alarmed.

"Oh, ignore him. He's always threatening things. I wouldn't worry. He's short."

Richard braked sharply. "Jeremy, I swear to God, if the next thing you say is anyhing to do with fangirls you don't have, nonexistent 'evidence' or an insult to me, you will be thrown out of the car. My height is irrelevant."

"I haven't told him the story!" said Harriet, sounding very worried. "You can't throw him out if he's still me!"

Richard sighed. "Wouldn't you prefer it if he wasn't here? He humiliated you too."

Harriet looked rather uncomfortable. "Well..."

Jeremy gave her a rather horrified look. "Some fangirl you are! Honestly, you betray me just because of some mild embarrassment. At least I still have Hammond."

Richard made a seething noise. "Surely you'd rather put up with a few bumps and bruises than listen to that. Not even girls with crushes on Jeremy Clarkson can be that mad."

"Um, I think I'd prefer to keep my body intact," said Harriet. Jeremy pumped his fist in the air.

Hammond sighed wearily. "Anything remotely resembling praise of Clarkson will result in him being thrown out of the car and you being left by the side of the road. I do mean that."

admittedly, the spotlight was mostly the gleam from your teeth

Ahahaha, that is perfect.

Oh, Jeremy, why are you so obsessed with the concept of Hammond fancying you, hmm?

how exactly you fell in hopeless lust with me

I love how, every time Jeremy refers to my fannishness of him, it's a bit more inflated.

"Some fangirl you are! Honestly, you betray me just because of some mild embarrassment. At least I still have Hammond."

That is absolutely fantastic. Hee! I love that he acts surprised, even though he's been utterly maddening the whole time.

(Hopelessly late commenting due to yet more Things To Do.) Hooray, you liked it! *glee* He is obsessed because he fancies Hammond. Obviously. He probably thought he was being endearingly wacky. Because he is a loon.

Hammond started up the car again, muttering bitterly to himself.

"You know, Jeremy," snapped Richard, eyes focussed entirely on the road, "Harriet could very well decide to embarrass you."

"But she wouldn't," said Jeremy cheerfully, "because she worships the ground I drive on."

Hammond shot him a very dirty look. "I mean it, Jez. Keep it in mind. We could always call good old Piers and the story would be out in seconds."

"You couldn't think of a bad thing to say about me."

"Oh," said Richard, sounding highly amused, "I'm sure there's something."

"You know," said Jeremy suddenly, deciding to change the subject before Harriet could act upon Richard's unpleasant advice, "we should perhaps find out where we are. We might need petrol or food, and May could bring it to us."

"You really want to drag poor May into this? I don't think he deserves to have to put up with you and your ridiculousness."

"Oh, Hammond, I know you want to keep me all to yourself, but we'll be needing the essentials. I'm sure May'll keep out of the way when necessary." Jeremy grinned and elbowed Richard in the ribs. Jeremuy grinned again. "Or maybe he won't." Harriet and TG exchanged glances and returned to listening avidly to the conversation.

"Jeremy," said Richard, attempting to be calm, "I don't fancy you, you egotistical git. I fancy May more than you; I fancy Top Gear Dog more than you. So could this nonsense please just stop, once and for all."

"Is this because I'm a girl?" asked Jeremy. "Because I thought you were more open than that. I'm ashamed of you, Hammond."

Richard banged his head against the steering wheel. "Are you serious? You cannot possibly be serious about this, Jeremy."

"I'll have you know, if I was my usual self, I'd quite happily kiss you; I just don't particularly want to inflict that on our new friend."

Richard lifted his head from the steering wheel and returned his eyes to the road, remembering that they might not be lucky enough to get the World's Most Useless Policeman next time. "Jeremy, this is possibly the worst time you could have picked to discuss this. You're in a different body; the occupant of your body is sitting right behind us; my poor, impressionable dog is sitting right behind us... I think it would be best if you found out where we were and called May."

Jeremy shrugged. "Fine. May's better looking than you, anyway."

Hammond turned to glare at him. "You are not calling May for that. I'll call him if that's what you're going to do."

Jeremy sighed petulantly. "Alright, I'll be bloody boring like you and ask him about food. Honestly, Richard, you could at least try to be an interesting person."

Hammond decided he was better off ignoring him until they found out where they were and James arrived.

(Ahem. I'm not sure how that happened. Er, anyway...)

Hee! I'm sure that Harriet is very busy sitting in the back and trying to look like she isn't there whilst being rampaged by plotbunnies. And, oh dear, James is going to be dragged into it!

And Richard worrying about TG! Aww!

Oh, I'm sure she is and that when she is returned to her usual self there will be fic for all the LJ people. Hee, yes, poor, poor James!

Richard and TG are adorable, and I'm sure he'll try to protect her from the insanity of Jeremy!

"I'm sure he'll try to protect her from the insanity of Jeremy!"

As he should be!

Also, I bet James will snigger evilly in the background, and ask Jeremy if he's on his period yet.

Oh, God, he would, wouldn't he? Evil James. Hee!

THIS IS THE MOST INSANE SLASH EVER AND I ADORE IT.

"I don't fancy you, you egotistical git. I fancy May more than you; I fancy Top Gear Dog more than you."

That is perfect. And ahahaha, Richard banging his head against the steering wheel! And being concerned for poor Top Gear Dog having to suffer the insanity!

(Again with the insane lateness! I hate Things To Do.)

Hee, panicky wizard (Dumbledore? Or Gandalf?) icon!

Eee, happiness that you like the madness that is this... thing. He would be concerned. Poor Top Gear Dog. Poor Richard.

Jeremy peered out of the window in search of some sort of clue that showed them where they were.

"Does that look familiar to you, Rich?" he asked, pointing to a hill in the distance.

"Yes, it looks like every single other hill we've passed in the past few hours. Honestly, maybe you should just call some kind of navigation service."

"Right, then." Jeremy made a brief call to FindMe, who informed him chirpily that his nearest settlement was a small town called Hogglesbrook.

"I'm sure May knows where that is," said Jeremy. "I'm calling him, Richard. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to spend the night with us." Richard gritted his teeth. Harriet looked weirdly thrilled. TG hoped fervently that she would not have to put up with this kind of insanity when Jeremy was returned to his usual form. Although she would miss Harriet; she was a good deal nicer than Jeremy.

Jeremy dialled May's number.

"Hello, May!" he said, his voice far too cheerful for Richard's liking.

"What is it?" asked May suspiciously. "Has there been another bodyswap? Am I talking to Top Gear Dog?"

"No, you idiot, it's still me. We were wondering if you might like to join us out here in the wilds for some fun."

"Jeremy, your idea of fun is blowing things up. I'm not sure I want to be there when you destroy the countryside."

"Oh, May, I have so many more ideas than that. Although I'm sure some blow-"

Hammond snatched the phone from Jeremy and handed it to Harriet. He gave Jeremy an irritated glare. "I hate you, Clarkson," he muttered.

"Hammond, how can you hate someone as loveable as me?"

Richard made a 'shh'-ing motion and gestured to the phone.

"Er, hello," said Harriet.

"Oh," said May. "Who are you, then?"

"I'm Harriet."

"Oh, well, it's very nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

There was an awkward silence, and then Jeremy mimed eating copious amounts of food.

"Oh, right, yes, erm... would you mind too much coming down here and bringing us some food? We, er, don't really have any."

Jeremy attempted to mime petrol. The gesture came out alarmingly lewd. Jeremy grinned; Richard punched his arm and hissed, "Petrol!"

Harriet nodded. "And, er, maybe some petrol?"

"Right, yes, I think I can manage that. Where are you?"

Harriet looked slightly confused. She glanced over at Jeremy and Richard. "We'll be as close to Hogglesbrook as we can get without the police relising it's us," hissed Richard.

"Um, we're near, ah, Hogglesbrook. Do you know where that is?"

"Oh, yes, I've spent plenty of wonderful holidays there."

"He knows where it is," Harriet whispered.

Jeremy rolled his eyes. "I knew he would. Bloody know-it-all." He grinned. "I hope he knows as much about..."

Hammond pointed a warning finger at him, and then drew it across his throat.

"Right, well, 'bye then!" said Harriet.

"Goodbye," said James.

Harriet frowned at Richard. "You know I'm going to have to put up with that bruise?"

"I could punch you too if it makes you feel any better."

Harriet shook her head and sighed. Poor old May didn't know what he was getting himself into.

(Erm, I clearly made the navigation service up, because although I'm pretty sure such a service exists, I have no idea what it's called. Also, I'm quite sure there are no towns called Hogglesbrook in the UK. Although I could be wrong, of course.)

(It's Dumbledore. I saw a Harry Potter fic summary reading 'Albus runs away from his heart to Paris but his heart follows him' and scribbled a quick illustration for, er, very good reasons I am sure.)

Hee! Hogglesbrook is a wonderful name, and I immediately went to look it up upon reading it and was very upset to find that it didn't exist.

Oh, I love it when Jeremy is being innuendo-y. And yay, Top Gear Dog likes me!

"Has there been another bodyswap? Am I talking to Top Gear Dog?"

Seriously, how can you say you can't write May? You are fantastic at writing him. And, for some reason, I absolutely love that he says it 'suspiciously'.

Oh, dear. I am so horrifically bad with telephones, as you've captured horribly well here.

'Jeremy mimed eating copious amounts of food' made me burst out laughing, and I don't know why.

Jeremy attempted to mime petrol. The gesture came out alarmingly lewd.

This whole thing is hilarious. Ha!

'Hogglesbrook' somehow sounds exactly like the sort of town James would spend his holidays. IT SHOULD EXIST. WHY DOESN'T IT EXIST?

(I was completely fooled and totally thought that 'FindMe' was a real service, by the way.)

(The very good reason would be; because it is hilarious.)

Oh, that's terrible! I was rather hoping it would exist, and amusing Top Gear-ish things could happen there (um, although hopefully you wouldn't be stuck being embarrassed by Jeremy).

Oh, hurrah, I managed to write innuendo! (This is, er, something I am quite bad at.) And of course she likes you! How could she not?

Eeeeeeee thank you! As ever, I am ridiculously pleased.

horribly well Oh, dear, sorry. I'm pretty dreadful with telephones too, as anything involving the actual use of my voice is utterly terrifying.

Oh, well, laughter is good, reason or no reason.

Once again I am stupidly happy.

Clearly it should exist. Shame on all the... er... place-creators for not thinking of it! (Also, I am usually spectacularly dreadful at coming up with names, and end up warping the names of people I know - for instance, I once called a character Hannoria - so hurrah for coming up with a good name!)

(Hooray for convincing brand names, also!)

Clarkson called up the chirpy woman at FindMe again, and she happily gave him directions to Hogglesbrook, which turned out to be a rather lovely little town with tiny storybook thatched-roofed cottages; cobblestones that shone in the sunlight which was now ebbing away to dusk; ivy that crept around walls, twisting and turning in the manner that Clarkson imagined his fingers would be twisting and turning through Hammond's hair later; and rather lovely little yellow flowers that appeared to be almost everywhere.

"Just the kind of place May would pick for a holiday. Honestly, never thinks of going to Ibiza or Faliraki, does he? Nope, it's some silly little town in the middle of nowhere where he can sleep and read his books and play his piano like the poncy twat he is."

"Well, if you dislike him so much, you can stop trying to drag him into a threesome, then, can't you?" snapped Hammond, whose last nerve was being worked by Clarkson.

"Oh, I never said that, Hammond. I couldn't pass up an oppurtunity to annoy you this much."

Harriet looked slightly perturbed. "Um, you're still me... you know that, right?"

"Oh, I won't be doing a thing before I have my own glorious frame returned to me."

"You won't be doing anything after!" cried Hammond, aghast.

Jeremy grinned. "For God's sake, Hammond, how can you resist the oppurtunity to be with a prime piece of man-meat like me? You'll never do any better." He turned to Harriet. "You know, to pass the time, you could tell me every single thing you love about me. It might help to convince Hammond."

"Not a word!" said Hammond, rounding on her, his eyes now having passed the stage of saucer-wide and reached the stage of dinnerplate-wide.

Harriet seemed strangely amused by the situation.

"Don't you smile!" exclaimed Hammond. "It's not bloody funny! A madman trapped in the body of a teenage girl is trying to seduce me!"

TG moved close enough to Richard to give his hand a snuffly and comforting little kiss.

"May had better bloody hurry up," snapped Hammond.

"Yes," said Jeremy, grinning an entirely evil grin that had no good intentions whatsoever, "May had better hurry up."

Hammond shot him a glare. "I hope you never change back if you're going to do what you're threatening to when you do."

Harriet looked rather alarmed at the idea of being Jeremy Clarkson for the rest of her life. TG cuddled closer to her, attempting to be comforting. TG was quite sure the Stig would be able to reverse the strange bodyswap, although she hoped Harriet would stick around for a while before then.

Richard edged away from Clarkson, who was leering at him horribly, and hoped May wouldn't live up to his nickname for once.

Oh, TG is just trying to comfort EVERYBODY while Jeremy is trying to lure Richard into an ill-advised threesome!

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