Oh, You Are Joking.

Right, this is the list of Insane Fanfic Ideas That I Really, Really Should Not Write (No Matter How Much I May Want To). Yes, the one that I said I wasn't going to do. Haven't you learnt by now not to believe a word I say?

These are definitely not all of the Insane Fanfic Ideas by which I am being pestered, but they're the ones I can think of at the moment.

Captain Jack Harkness/The Todd. Okay, so two omnisexual beings walk into a bar...

This would, of course, be absolute nonsense. Captain Jack would - I don't know, he'd go in for surgery or something, and he'd make a suggestive comment to the Todd before the Todd had a chance to do it, and it would include the following line:

It's the first time that anyone has ever made the first move on him, and the Todd is instantly, madly, hopelessly in love.

And then they would shag. For ever.

James May/Oz Clarke. (EDIT: Well, I am clearly rubbish at resisting these ideas. In the Event of a Wine Ponce Attack and The Ballad of May and Clarke.)
Oh, come on, it seems ridiculous that there's almost no slashfic for Oz and James's Big Wine Adventure. If half the Internet is referring to it as the 'Big Gay Wine Adventure' you'd expect at least a little Oz/James, surely. There is actually some out there already, but it's all extremely short and deliberately daft and about Oz being Evil. I want to write semi-serious, reciprocated James/Oz, just for the sake of it. But I mustn't, firstly because I don't feel capable of writing Oz and secondly because the Top Gear fandom would probably lynch me.

Gregory House/Perry Cox/Jeremy Clarkson/Gene Hunt. WHEN AWESOME BASTARDS COLLIDE.

House goes to Silent Hill and meets Dr. John Watson in a sort of Mary/Maria-esque thing, only less creepy and with many more fandoms involved.
Oh, yes. Watson would be extremely shocked by the implications House would make about his relationship with Holmes (House is Not The Sort Of Person One Would Expect To Meet if one is a Victorian gentleman), and of course that would be saying more about House himself than he would realise. Actually, I really want Watson to meet Wilson and the two of them to bond over their insane, obsessive friends. It could quite possibly be the cutest thing ever.

Top Gear genderswap fic. UNQUALIFIED DISASTER GUARANTEED. (EDIT: The Questionable Joys of Gender-Switching.)

This was spawned during the game of 'HEY, WRITE THIS TRULY DREADFUL FIC IDEA. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.' dracothelizard made a throwaway 'researching wedding clothes for this fic would be so much easier if James and the Stig were women' (don't ask) comment; I said "You realise, of course, that by making this comment you have doomed one of us to writing Top Gear genderswap in the near future?" with, of course, the subtext of "AND BY 'ONE OF US' I MEAN YOU. WRITE IT. WRIIIIITE IT"; she turned the challenge back on me, and before I knew what I was doing I was writing a snippet of Jeremy Clarkson in a miniskirt. I AM SO ASHAMED.

Jeremy Clarkson shags his co-presenters while said co-presenters are in car form.
THIS IS ALL eva_kasumi'S IDEA AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

The Top Gear team go to Silent Hill. (EDIT: A World of Madness.)
I so want this to exist, but it doesn't work at all. They don't angst! At all! Ever! And, as dracothelizard said, Jeremy would just decide he was sick of the town, jump the chasm in a car and drive off, cackling.

The penguins from Happy Feet go to Silent Hill.
Um. I honestly cannot defend myself, either for watching Happy Feet or for having come up with this idea. But come on! When the penguins got to the human settlement, and there was a weird mist and that horrible toolshed with broken stained windows and the bloodsmears on the snow? Silent Hill? Anyone? Please don't leave me.