rionaleonhart | Oh, You Are Joking.

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Oh, You Are Joking.

Right, this is the list of Insane Fanfic Ideas That I Really, Really Should Not Write (No Matter How Much I May Want To). Yes, the one that I said I wasn't going to do. Haven't you learnt by now not to believe a word I say?

These are definitely not all of the Insane Fanfic Ideas by which I am being pestered, but they're the ones I can think of at the moment.

Captain Jack Harkness/The Todd. Okay, so two omnisexual beings walk into a bar...

This would, of course, be absolute nonsense. Captain Jack would - I don't know, he'd go in for surgery or something, and he'd make a suggestive comment to the Todd before the Todd had a chance to do it, and it would include the following line:

It's the first time that anyone has ever made the first move on him, and the Todd is instantly, madly, hopelessly in love.

And then they would shag. For ever.

James May/Oz Clarke. (EDIT: Well, I am clearly rubbish at resisting these ideas. In the Event of a Wine Ponce Attack and The Ballad of May and Clarke.)
Oh, come on, it seems ridiculous that there's almost no slashfic for Oz and James's Big Wine Adventure. If half the Internet is referring to it as the 'Big Gay Wine Adventure' you'd expect at least a little Oz/James, surely. There is actually some out there already, but it's all extremely short and deliberately daft and about Oz being Evil. I want to write semi-serious, reciprocated James/Oz, just for the sake of it. But I mustn't, firstly because I don't feel capable of writing Oz and secondly because the Top Gear fandom would probably lynch me.

Gregory House/Perry Cox/Jeremy Clarkson/Gene Hunt. WHEN AWESOME BASTARDS COLLIDE.

House goes to Silent Hill and meets Dr. John Watson in a sort of Mary/Maria-esque thing, only less creepy and with many more fandoms involved.
Oh, yes. Watson would be extremely shocked by the implications House would make about his relationship with Holmes (House is Not The Sort Of Person One Would Expect To Meet if one is a Victorian gentleman), and of course that would be saying more about House himself than he would realise. Actually, I really want Watson to meet Wilson and the two of them to bond over their insane, obsessive friends. It could quite possibly be the cutest thing ever.

Top Gear genderswap fic. UNQUALIFIED DISASTER GUARANTEED. (EDIT: The Questionable Joys of Gender-Switching.)

This was spawned during the game of 'HEY, WRITE THIS TRULY DREADFUL FIC IDEA. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.'

dracothelizard made a throwaway 'researching wedding clothes for this fic would be so much easier if James and the Stig were women' (don't ask) comment; I said "You realise, of course, that by making this comment you have doomed one of us to writing Top Gear genderswap in the near future?" with, of course, the subtext of "AND BY 'ONE OF US' I MEAN YOU. WRITE IT. WRIIIIITE IT"; she turned the challenge back on me, and before I knew what I was doing I was writing a snippet of Jeremy Clarkson in a miniskirt. I AM SO ASHAMED.

Jeremy Clarkson shags his co-presenters while said co-presenters are in car form.
THIS IS ALL

eva_kasumi'S IDEA AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

The Top Gear team go to Silent Hill. (EDIT: A World of Madness.)
I so want this to exist, but it doesn't work at all. They don't angst! At all! Ever! And, as

dracothelizard said, Jeremy would just decide he was sick of the town, jump the chasm in a car and drive off, cackling.

The penguins from Happy Feet go to Silent Hill.
Um. I honestly cannot defend myself, either for watching Happy Feet or for having come up with this idea. But come on! When the penguins got to the human settlement, and there was a weird mist and that horrible toolshed with broken stained windows and the bloodsmears on the snow? Silent Hill? Anyone? Please don't leave me.

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I WOULD READ JAMES/OZ AND NOT LYNCH YOU.

You know that I am a true James/Jeremy shipper, right, but SERIOUSLY people, the slashy vibes you get from that programme.

Oz is all 'frustrated older person trying to get the young yob to see sense' <-- OH GOD. You know what I've just realised, the dynamic is very very similar to James and Jeremy, isn't it?

Except in Oz and James Big Gay Thong Adventures (someone should write superhero comicbook fic about that, too) James is the playing the part of annoying yobbo, and Oz is playing The Sensible One.

Oh go on - write it! You know you want to!

I can't believe there's a demand for this. THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS LIST: I KNEW THAT YOU EVIL PEOPLE WOULD WEAKEN MY RESOLVE.

(someone should write superhero comicbook fic about that, too)

Oh, good Lord, they would be the worst superheroes ever. Ever. They would be saving the world from bad wine with the Power of Gay, but James wouldn't have a clue what to do and Oz would be so busy pontificating that they'd never actually get any world-saving done.

Or any drinking, for that matter.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who saw the Captain Jack/The Todd connection. That scene where Todd is walking around the hospital saying, "Nothing wrong with that" to everyone he sees was such a Jack thing. And that's a perfect way for them to, er, come together. No pun intended, really.

That scene where Todd is walking around the hospital saying, "Nothing wrong with that" to everyone he sees was such a Jack thing.

Exactly. That part really made me sit up and go 'OMG CAPTAIN JACK?'. I don't think the world has enough omnisexual characters, really, but two is definitely a good start.

(It's only just occurred to me that hey, if the Doctor is a Time Lord, obviously the Todd must be a Time Lord as well! THE DEFINITE ARTICLE PROVES IT. And lo, the crossover idea is suddenly even odder than it already was.)

"It's only just occurred to me that hey, if the Doctor is a Time Lord, obviously the Todd must be a Time Lord as well! THE DEFINITE ARTICLE PROVES IT. And lo, the crossover idea is suddenly even odder than it already was."

....

I SWEAR I didn't read this comment before I made mine! *is slightly creeped out*

WEIRD MINDS THINK ALIKE.

Oh really?

*thinks about writing James/Oz fic in an attempt to make you do it*

HANG ON. If 'The Todd' is his name then he is CLEARLY a Time Lord, because everyone with 'the' as part of their name is a Time Lord! See also: The Stig.

"Gregory House/Perry Cox/Jeremy Clarkson/Gene Hunt" It would be the road trip OF DOOM. And can you imagine the others trying to find them and teaming up?

YOU CAN'T SEND THE RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY DANCING PENGUINS TO SILENT HILL. How would they angst? And there is nothing wrong with watching Happy Feet! Ridiculously happy movies are a good thing!

*uses wine adventure icon to influence you EVILLY*

The Cat is one as well, of course. I can't be sure about the Janitor, but he's so mysterious and has such an ability to show up at the worst possible time that I think he must be.

What, Chase and JD and Hammond and Sam? (Maybe Chris instead of Sam, because he fits the 'dorky and slightly incompetent' pattern better.) It would be glorious lunacy.

THEY WILL ANGST OVER, ER, WELL, THE MAIN CHARACTER WHOSE NAME I CANNOT RECALL WILL ANGST OVER HIS NOT HAVING A HEART SONG, OBVIOUSLY. HE WILL BE HAUNTED BY VERY BAD SINGING.

The Cat was banned from Gallifrey because he kept ridiculing their outfits, and then he ended up on Red Dwarf but his TARDIS broke down and he couldn't fix it what with being useless at engineering, so he stayed on and pretended to be the great-great-etc-grandson of Frankenstein! There was never any great Cat race, The Cat made it all up!

The Janitor left Gallifrey by himself because he hated having to clean the Gallifreyan Presidential Palace, but then he got stuck on Earth and his TARDIS turned into a van and the time-travelling bit broke down and he can't fix it so now he's stuck as the Janitor at Sacred Heart, and he will be stuck there until THE END OF TIME. Or until he runs out of regenerations.

I think Chase AND Cameron should go, and Foreman can stay behind and be all 'Shouldn't we actually be HEALING PEOPLE? Oh, you know what, the two of you are so useless I'LL DO IT MYSELF'. And Hammond would TRY to convince James to use the Cessna to try to find The Four Bastards from the sky, but obviously he wouldn't WANT to be in the plane. And JD would want to use his scooter.

I bet JD was the one who unknowingly broke the Janitor's TARDIS, and that's why the Janitor is out to get him. Also, you are a genius. Banned from Gallifrey for ridiculing outfits! Foreman being awesome and sane! Hee!

Yes! JD crashed his scooter against the van, figured he'd be okay because it didn't look crashed, but on the inside something broke down!

Foreman IS awesome and sane :D

This post, and all the comments stemming therefrom, are made of such absolute win that I have no idea where to even start.

I have to say, though, that this - Gregory House/Perry Cox/Jeremy Clarkson/Gene Hunt - would absolutely kill me. In the best possible way. Granted, I've never seen House (I need to solve that problem sometime, but I have no TV and YouTube failed me) and have no idea who Gene Hunt even is, but STILL. IT'S MADE OF AWESOME ANYWAY.

It would be amazing. Granted, they would spend all the time being sarcastic and/or yelling at each other, and it would probably take very little time before Gene punched Clarkson in the face, so actually getting them into any sort of relationship would probably be fairly difficult (four-way hatesex would be quite a feat), but just sticking them all in a room together would probably be enough to make me very happy.

Gene is the corrupt, sarcastic, fight-picking cop from Life on Mars. He may or may not exist, but he is awesome regardless of whether he does or not.

HOUSE HAS TO MEET WATSON OMG. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

*massive puppy eyes*

Argh! WHAT PART OF 'REALLY, REALLY SHOULD NOT WRITE' DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND? YOU HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR MY SANITY.

(Is that the Jeremy Brett Holmes in your icon? Eeeee!)

Yes, it is Jeremy Brett Holmes. Because he is awesome.

I HAVE NO SANITY. I WROTE SIMON/SHARON.

WRITE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT!

The penguins from Happy Feet go to Silent Hill.

I BEG YOU TO WRITE THIS.

It can be my Christmas present.

I honestly can't decide whether it is the best idea that I have ever had or the stupidest. I suppose it could very well be both.

But but but um how can I write it? How? (HE WILL HEAR DREADFUL SINGING ECHOING THROUGH EMPTY STREETS AND SEE A BLOODSTAINED, PYRAMID-HEADED VERSION OF HIS FATHER. OH YES. Meanwhile, the Amigos will be awesome and see no monsters whatsoever and mock him for his obvious insanity.)

YES DO IT. Come on, live a little =D

Please, please write Captain Jack/The Todd. No, really. I would love you utterly forever. :D

I think a bonding session between Watson and Wilson would be one of the cutest things ever. It should be written. I wrote a bonding session between Wilson and Cameron once... But I have never written a cross-fandom House fic.

Also, Richard Hammond would make a very cute woman.

I knew that making this list was a bad idea. Everyone is trying to make me write things now, and how am I supposed to resist? Aaaaah!

Were Wilson and Cameron bonding over what a git House is? Because I can really see that happening, and it is adorable.

You're right; s/he would be adorable. Hee.

dracothelizard suggested that s/he would probably be even shorter and furious about it.

I clearly say 'adorable' too much.

I don't even KNOW who half those people are but you are still my hero for being so brave.

Er! I might be considered brave if I were actually writing these, but as it happens I am just putting them up on a list and saying 'I MUST NEVER WRITE THESE. EVER.'

Of course, now people are going 'OMG WRITE THEM', so I think that I may be A Little Bit Doomed.

(Are the people you don't know the Top Gear team? I'm afraid I have the very bad habit of linking people to clips of them whenever I get the opportunity - partially because I have a slightly childish need for everyone to love the things I love, partially in the hope that they will become addicts and then write ridiculous crossovers - so I am forced to introduce you to them.)

Is it bad that I have never heard of Happy Feet before but really want to now? Based, you know, on the fact that it can be crossed over with Silent Hill?

OH MAN, the awesome bastards colliding would end with everybody dead. Dr. Cox would end up tearing someone's throat out with his teeth. ...I don't know why that image comes so easily to mind, I really don't. Er.

It's the first time that anyone has ever made the first move on him, and the Todd is instantly, madly, hopelessly in love.

Hee! This needs to be written. So badly. Because it would so happen.

HOW IS IT THAT I STILL DO NOT HAVE A SCRUBS ICON?

OH MY GOD, LIVEJOURNAL, WHY DID YOU NOT ALERT ME OF THIS COMMENT? I HATE YOU.

I wouldn't particularly recommend Happy Feet, but it was certainly better than I expected. I was expecting a dreadful silly children's film, but it was actually a reasonably good silly children's film with surprisingly good animation. If you're looking for the daftest thing that can be plausibly crossed over with Silent Hill, though, it's definitely a very strong candidate. (Fog and bloodsmears and rust and abandoned buildings! Aaaargh. Granted, it's Silent Hill's rather more sparse, colder sister town at the South Pole, but it is Silent Hill-esque nevertheless.)

I would love the awesome bastards colliding because they would all absolutely despise each other, even though they're all very similar in a lot of ways. I suspect that Clarkson would probably be the first to die, because he would manage to offend every one of the others in the first five seconds.

Dr. Cox would end up tearing someone's throat out with his teeth. ...I don't know why that image comes so easily to mind, I really don't. Er.

I like to think that it is because I made a reference to Dr. Cox tearing House's throat out with his teeth in my House/Scrubs crossover, even though I don't actually know whether you've read it or not, because I am egotistic.

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Oh, You Are Joking.

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