Trabia Garden

A few months ago, Rei wandered into the room while I was watching the first episode of YOU.

'What are you watching?' Rei asked.

'YOU,' I said. 'Someone on Reddit saw me waxing lyrical about Light Yagami and said I might enjoy it.'

Rei considered this for a moment. 'That's damning.'

Which is true! But, let's be honest, that person on Reddit was absolutely right. I've now almost finished the second season of YOU, and I'm having a great time.

I don't love Joe Goldberg as much as I love Light Yagami - there are very few fictional characters I love as much as I love Light Yagami - but I am hugely enjoying him. Like Light, Joe is an awful person who refuses to accept he's awful and has therefore become an expert in self-justification. Sometimes the self-justification takes a moment to kick in, so we get to see him being horrified by his own actions before he starts scrambling to tell himself why those actions were actually totally fine. I always enjoy characters being horrified by themselves!

I find it very entertaining that Joe keeps persuading himself he's given up on murder and then relapsing. No, look, this murder really is the last one, I promise. He's a very funny character to watch in many ways, which helps keep the show from feeling too bleak, despite its dark events. It's also interesting to see the tension in him when he's faced with the choice between killing someone who knows his secrets - the obvious option if he wants to keep himself safe - and leaving them alive: risky, but sometimes he really doesn't want to kill them!

When I was originally recommended this show, I checked its Wikipedia article to find out what it was about, and the 'cultural influence' section absolutely drove me up the wall:

The series later became the subject of numerous online discussions and debates surrounding the romanticization of the serial killer and stalker protagonist in question. According to many reporters and critics, concerns were expressed regarding the viewers who have positively identified and connected with Penn Badgley's character on multiple social media platforms, despite the transgressive acts that the protagonist displayed and committed over the course of the season.

In response to the growing concerns of viewers romanticizing Joe's vicious behaviors, Elizabeth Lail conveyed her thoughts surrounding the conversation in an interview with Image. Lail expressed she initially had concerns about the audience's reactions but explained that "I think we are programmed that way. Myself included. With all the rom-coms and fairy tales we've read, we're programmed to root for the hero at any cost, unfortunately. And so, my hope is that these women notice that inside themselves; and ask themselves, 'oh gosh, why do I love this terrible man?' I hope they recognize it as an unconscious bias (that's inside most of us), and actively work against it."

(I can't really blame Lail for saying this. She was asked, in the interview in question, 'What are your thoughts on so many women romanticising Joe, despite him being a stalker and murderer?', which is obviously going to put her under intense pressure to respond in a certain way, so I'd say the question itself is more at fault here than Lail herself.)

I am so tired of people expressing their deep concern about all those foolish, misguided women expressing fondness for a Bad Person who is, crucially, Not Real. (It's not exclusively women, but I do feel I see this 'concern' mainly targeted at women.) It just feels unbearably patronising. I can enjoy watching the actions of fictional stalker and murderer Joe Goldberg while simultaneously understanding that stalking and murder are bad, I promise!

Anyway, I was so frustrated by this that I made a Tumblr post in response:

As requested, I have examined my fondness for terrible characters, and I have concluded that I like them because they’re terrible and I’m not sorry.

It's by far the most popular thing I've ever posted to Tumblr, with over 9,000 notes, which I find heartening! Liking a fictional character isn't a moral act, and I hope everyone feels free to enjoy whatever characters they find compelling.

A few more notes on Final Fantasy VII Rebirth! I'm currently in Cosmo Canyon.


( Notes on Final Fantasy VII Rebirth. )


Replaying Remake at the same time as playing Rebirth, I'm very struck by how physically familiar Barret and Tifa are with each other. I'm headcanoning that they had a casual romance before the game and, when Cloud turned up, Barret assumed that it was over; obviously Tifa's going to be more interested in Cloud now. And then they all ended up in a foursome with Aerith instead.

I switched to Barret while Tifa was unconscious during a fight, and he said, 'Gonna whoop your ass twice as hard for Tifa.' It was extremely cute!

Finally, the terrible conversation Tem and I had while I was playing Final Fantasy VII Remake this morning:

Riona: I dreamt last night that Barret was humping my foot.
Barret, in-game: I'm gonna fill you full of holes!
Tem: Is that what he said when he was humping your leg?
Riona: My foot. And no. I feel that would mean he was humping it much too hard.
Barret, in-game: I'm a ticking time bomb, and sooner or later I'm gonna have to blow up!
Riona: Now, that he said when he was humping my foot.

I'm so glad I watched Severance. It blends two of my absolute favourite themes in fiction, 'weird memory issues' and 'characters developing intense relationships while isolated together in strange circumstances'. It's perfect.

Plus it has multiple versions of the same character, which is always a bonus!

It's interesting to see the different ways characters think of their 'other selves'. Outie Mark says in the first episode that there's no 'other' him. He's the one who shows up and does the work; he just doesn't remember it.

The innies generally seem to think of their outies as more or less separate people, though, with varying levels of relevance to them. When you're aware of just how much you don't know, I imagine it's harder to think of the person outside as still being 'you'. Perhaps they have friends, perhaps they have a family, but you have no way of knowing, and all of those people would be strangers to you.

I suppose it's also harder to think of your outie as you when you're aware of how much power they have over you. From the outie's perspective, they go to work, they forget what they did at work, they go home. The actions of their innie don't really impact them, unless they experience physical harm at work or leave the office late. When you're an innie, though, someone else is choosing the clothes you wear; someone else has the power to refuse your resignation request, or could make the decision to resign themselves, effectively ending your existence; someone else drank too much last night, and now you have to drag yourself through the work day with their hangover.

All this helps to explain why the innies constantly throw around the words 'innie' and 'outie', whereas I don't think we ever hear outie Mark refer to his work self as his 'innie'. It's just him at work; why would he need a term for that? They're terms that the outside world seems to be aware of, but we only hear them in regular use inside Lumon.

Riona: The trouble with Severance is that it's really hard to make the different versions of the same character make out.
Rei: Yeah, that doesn't really seem possible.
Riona: I mean, I'll find a way. I'm just saying it's a challenge.

Despite my best efforts, though, I suspect I may have to admit defeat. I don't think I can get Mark to make out with himself. He hates himself too much, and not in a sexy way; Mark is self-loathing in a quiet, wet, pathetic way that doesn't have any sexual tension behind it.

Helly, however, absolutely hates herself in a sexy way. I'm not saying I'm going to write hideous noncon selfcest about the two versions of Helly, but I do think someone should.

I'm still introducing Tem to the Kingdom Hearts series! We've now finished Birth by Sleep.

Ginger cracked up at Mickey zooming off into the sky when his Star Shard activated.

Ginger: I'd forgotten that Mickey just blasted off like a firework.
Tem: Looks like King Mickey's blasting off again!

There's one point in Birth by Sleep where Queen Minnie arrests Pete just for being a bit of a dick. This is the problem with an absolute monarchy.

And then Pete meets Maleficent while imprisoned, meaning, as Tem pointed out, that all the trouble they caused in Kingdom Hearts II was ultimately Minnie Mouse's fault for abusing her power. You can't throw your subjects into an inescapable void whenever they show insufficient appreciation!

'You know,' Tem said, as Aqua was presented with her own custom ice cream flavour, 'these games are a lot more ice cream focused than I was expecting.'

The Kingdom Hearts version of Zack is clearly designed to look like a Hercules character, and he has goals that are tied to the Olympus Coliseum. In some respects, this is a bit disconcerting; are we expected to understand that Final Fantasy VII character Zack Fair is originally from Ancient Greece? That raises a lot of questions, particularly as the other Final Fantasy VII characters don't mimic the style of Hercules. But, ultimately, he feels more integrated into the world of Kingdom Hearts than most Final Fantasy characters do; a lot of the cameos feel a little out-of-place. Maybe the developers should make more effort to tie the Final Fantasy characters to specific Disney worlds.

Tem: We still haven't learnt why Mickey Mouse was shirtless in the first game. You keep saying that'll be explained.
Riona: Oh, yes. That will be explained in Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep -A fragmentary passage-, and not in Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep, which is a completely different game.


And then we watched the film version of Kingdom Hearts Re:coded! I considered skipping Re:coded, which is not one of the stronger games in terms of plot, but it does have some really nice interactions between Sora and Riku. And between Sora and Roxas, actually! I really like that Roxas is allowed to be bitter about his situation; he's got good cause!

Tem is very concerned about the ethics of Mickey Mouse creating a thinking artificial replica of Sora without his knowledge or consent.

'It's weird,' Tem commented, 'because Mickey and Riku are married, but now there is a Sora who's Mickey's son.'

We've been watching Severance (of which more later), and so, in Castle Oblivion:

Tem: It's just occurred to me that Mickey has created a version of Sora who's only to work, and then has his memories wiped.
Riona: Oh, God. Oh, no. And now he's in featureless white corridors.

It's so strange, in retrospect, that the theme of memory is only introduced in Chain of Memories. Memory isn't a theme in the first Kingdom Hearts at all! And yet it's so central to the rest of the series.

Tem: I can't wait to see my boy Roxas. (pause) I can't believe I have multiple boys in Kingdom Hearts. I've watched good things in which I don't have any boys.
Riona: Are you saying Kingdom Hearts isn't good?
Tem: That's exactly what I'm saying. Don't give me that look.
Riona: It's good for obtaining boys.
Tem: That's true.

In our adventures through the Kingdom Hearts series, Tem and I have just finished our first route of Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep.

Aqua: Together, always.
Tem: Why does this series keep giving us guy-guy-girl friendship trios who promise they'll be together forever, and then I'm sad about it?
Terra, Ven, Aqua: (in voiceover) That would be the last night we ever spent beneath the same stars.
(Tem gives me an outraged stare.)

Tem: Oh, God, why is Mickey Mouse here? Why is he surfing? Mickey, you could just hold on to the book. You don't have to surf on the book. You don't have to prove your ability to... throw sick waves or whatever.
Riona: 'Throw sick waves'?
Tem: I don't know surfing terminology.

We started out playing as Terra. Some people don't like Terra much, because he has no brain, but I'm fond of him. Like Sora, he's a trusting guy; he just has the misfortune to meet a lot of untrustworthy people!

Maleficent: For a peacekeeper, you're off to an exceptionally poor start.
Tem: How does she know it's our first day on the job?

Tem makes a good point here; I never questioned this before! I assume Terra just radiates 'I have no idea what I'm doing', which would perhaps explain why every villain we run into goes 'I'm pretty sure I can manipulate this guy.' (They're correct every time. Terra is extremely easy to manipulate.)

Riona: Things are going great on our first day. We stole someone's heart, and we forged a D-Link with Maleficent, which I assume means we fucked her.
Tem: Well, I don't know what else it could mean.

Terra has such weirdly good chemistry with Cinderella. I'm bewildered and delighted anew by it every time I revisit this game.

I love Terra's fear that, having already taken Aurora's heart, he can't trust that he won't follow the queen's instruction to kill Snow White. I also love that the queen goes 'bring back her heart in this box' and he goes 'oh, her bullshit metaphorical Kingdom Hearts heart, right?' and she goes 'what, no, her literal beating heart'.

I always get slightly emotional at the scene where Terra puts himself between Eraqus and Ven in an attempt to protect Ven. Terra's a good kid!

Eraqus demanded to know why Terra was fighting against him. 'It's because you explain things poorly and make them very confusing,' Tem commented, 'because you are the personification of Square Enix.' (Tem was very annoyed to learn that 'Eraqus' was an anagram of 'Square'.)

Xehanort: Why do you trouble yourself with remorse?
Riona: (as Terra) 'Because all my decisions are terrible!'
Tem: Terra-ble.

'Oh, God,' Tem said, when Mickey Mouse showed up during the final confrontation. 'I was just thinking how nice it was that we were getting these dramatic scenes without any ridiculous Disney characters.'

Thinking about it, it's no surprise that I'm fond of Terra. He combines two of my favourite character types: a) well-meaning teenage boys who love their friends and go through horrific experiences, and b) characters who make terrible decisions and hate themselves for it. I think he's underrated! Probably my favourite character of the Wayfinder trio, although it's close between him and Aqua.

Come to think of it, Riku also fits both these categories. Kingdom Hearts does a great job of catering to my taste in characters.

Tem and I are still making our way through Kingdom Hearts II!

Why does Hollow Bastion have an emergency self-destruct program? What possible emergency could be improved by destroying the town?

We absolutely lost it at the scene where Goofy is tragically killed by a boulder and Mickey Mouse swears revenge. I love these stupid games.

Never really occurred to me before that Goofy and Yuffie rhyme. I don't know what to do with this information.

At one point, Sora, Donald and Goofy are in peril, but when we next see them they're on the gummi ship. We get a flashback to explain how they got back onto the ship. This explanation is as follows:

- Sora, Donald and Goofy are surrounded by enemies.
- Maleficent, in an effort to help, drops Sora and company into a pit of darkness.
- They end up in a black void.
- A hooded figure sets a box down in the void and disappears.
- Inside the box is an ice cream.
- When Donald Duck attempts to eat the ice cream, it starts glowing and floats into the air.
- The floating ice cream shoots a beam of light, projecting a giant keyhole into the sky.
- Sora unlocks the keyhole with his Keyblade.
- And now they're back on the spaceship, don't ask questions.

Tem is so unhappy to see Donald Duck with tentacles whenever we go back to Atlantica.

We reached the point at which Winnie-the-Pooh has an out-of-body experience and floats off into space. 'I've seen this GIF before,' Tem commented. 'I thought it might make more sense in context. I think seeing it in context has, in fact, reduced the level of context.'

For the benefit of anyone who has not played these games: I swear I'm not just making things up.

My mum made this malevolent little elf for Christmas about twenty years ago, and every year he shows up again, looking more and more dilapidated and horrifying.


Longstanding scholars of my journal might recall previously seeing Santa's Little Helper in this series of comics by my mother.

Sadly, we've lost our traditional tree-topping angel: a loo roll on which my little brother once drew a smiling face saying, 'Ow, my arse!'

Christmas was fun! We played charades in the evening, and I will always treasure watching my brother Joseph try to convey the 'Italian' in The Italian Job by miming eating a mushroom and growing bigger, repeatedly, with increasing desperation and occasional breaks to mime fixing a radiator.

(The Italian Job was my prompt. Joseph got his revenge by forcing me to act out Thus Spake Zarathustra, which did not go well for me.)

Because both my housemates and my family wanted to watch it, I ended up watching The Muppet Christmas Carol twice in the course of a few days. The 'Marley and Marley' scene is genuinely scary, as is the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come!

I was surprised by how invested I became in Scrooge. I think the film works because Michael Caine is taking the role completely seriously, regardless of the fact that most of his co-stars are Muppets. As Tem commented, 'He says, "My first job was here. This is Fozziwig's old rubber chicken factory" so sincerely that it never occurred to me that the original Scrooge might not have worked in a rubber chicken factory.'

Catastrophic news: I watched the Doctor Who Christmas special ('The Church on Ruby Road') and really enjoyed it. It was fun! I got emotionally invested! There was a ridiculous musical number! The Doctor and Ruby Sunday have great chemistry, and I keep wanting them to make out.

It took me so long to escape the terrible grasp of Doctor Who. I can't believe I'm considering watching the next series; it would be a huge mistake to get back into this show, which disappointed me for six years straight before I finally managed to get out. But I haven't shipped the Doctor with a companion since Nine with Rose and Jack, and watching Fifteen interact with Ruby really made me realise that I'd missed that. Doctor/companion shipping has the potential to be weird and intense and slightly claustrophobic in a way I enjoy.

The 2024 series of Doctor Who starts in May. I've got four months to come to my senses. We'll see if I manage it.

Tem and I have now played through Riku's storyline in Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories!

Whenever any villain speaks to Riku, particularly Maleficent or Ansem, they sound like they're trying to seduce him. Ansem's lines include 'Your heart will be mine!' and 'Why do you accept the darkness but still refuse me?'

Speaking of Riku's weird chemistry with every antagonist, Riku and the Riku replica should definitely make out.

Tem cracks up laughing whenever Mickey Mouse shows up out of nowhere. Apparently, when Tem was a kid, xyr dad would suddenly drop in a Mickey Mouse impression to make Tem laugh while reading bedtime stories. It's as if Kingdom Hearts was created specifically to target xem.

I'd forgotten how tragic the Riku replica's storyline was! This poor fake kid. When he's fading away, after we beat him in battle:

Riku Replica: Death doesn't frighten me. Good riddance to a phony life. My heart was never real. I'm sure even what I'm feeling now is probably all fake.
Riku: ...What are you feeling?
Riku Replica: What happens when a fake dies - one like me? Where will my heart go? Does it disappear?
Riku: It'll go somewhere. Maybe to the same place as mine.
Riku Replica: Tch. A faithful replica until the very end.

Agonising! And Riku just had to stand there, trying to offer some comfort as he watched a replica of himself die, having personally killed him. I can't believe this is a scene from a series of games about a kid having adventures with Donald Duck and Goofy.

I also can't believe Riku asks Mickey Mouse to kill him if he's overpowered by darkness. Mickey Mouse was never designed to hear that sort of request, Riku.

Mickey: I heard it from DiZ.
Tem: Who the fuck is DiZ? (pause) DiZ nuts.

Mickey: I'd like to walk that road with you.
Riona: Did Mickey Mouse just propose to us?
Tem: It does feel that way.
Riku: (getting on one knee and taking Mickey's hand) Your Majesty, I'm really flattered... I don't know what to say.
Tem: I can't believe the second half of this game is about Riku and Mickey Mouse discovering their love for each other. I can't believe Riku and Mickey Mouse get engaged in the second game. If you'd told me that before we started playing, I would have laughed at you. I'd have gone, 'Surely they'd save that for later in the series. Where can they go from there?'

'Who the fuck is this??' Tem demanded, when Roxas showed up in the credits. 'In any other series, I'd assume this was foreshadowing for a later game. But I don't trust these games. They might just have gone, "Hey, we came up with this cool character design and we didn't get to use it; let's just stick it in the credits."'

'The second half of the game answered none of my questions,' Tem commented, as the credits wound to a close. 'We'll see if later games explain any of this. Maybe I'll understand things eventually. It must be possible. I've understood things before.'

When the game had ended, I started noting down the various things Tem had said on my phone. Tem spotted me writing.

'Are you writing up your notes?' xe asked. 'So you can tell all your little Dreamwidth friends about how angry I am? Make sure you tell them about my "DiZ nuts" joke; it was my finest work.'

I had, in fact, already written down the 'DiZ nuts' joke.

I've been introducing Tem to the Kingdom Hearts series. We've just finished the first game!

(The first game is called Kingdom Hearts, which is surprisingly intuitive for this series. The third game is called Kingdom Hearts II. Kingdom Hearts III is something like ten games in, coming after titles like Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days and Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance and Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep -A fragmentary passage-, the last of which is available only in the HD collection Kingdom Hearts HD II.8 Final Chapter Prologue. I swear I'm not making any of these up.)

Tem's only previous experience of Kingdom Hearts was a Let's Play of the first game that xe had not finished watching.

Riona: So you're at a point where things are still relatively straightforward. There's only one of each character.
Tem: Oh, God.

It never really occurred to me before, but the fact that they kept the original film voice actors for most of the Disney characters means that Kingdom Hearts has much better voice acting than many games of the PS2 era. Although, as Tem points out, it also has the disconcerting effect that the pointless filler bits (which include a lot of Disney characters) have noticeably better acting than the serious plot scenes (which tend to focus more on characters created for Kingdom Hearts).

Tem observed that the Hundred Acre Wood didn't quite fit the tone of the overarching plot. 'You need to save your friend who's lost her heart, and your other friend has turned against you, but you need to take breaks to make sure Tigger doesn't bounce twice on a carrot.'

When Riku stabbed his ally Maleficent with his Keyblade, Tem said 'Riku!' in such a mildly scolding tone that it cracked me up. Riku! Don't stab your allies in the heart; that's so rude!

'Light,' Ansem gasped as the light from Kingdom Hearts poured over him, apparently halfway between agony and ecstasy. 'He's like you when we watched Death Note: The Musical,' Tem commented, murdering me more efficiently than the Death Note ever could.

Tem absolutely lost it laughing when Mickey Mouse turned up. He does love to pop up out of nowhere in the middle of serious plot scenes; it's hard to brace yourself for him!

I still inevitably find tears in my eyes at the end of Kingdom Hearts. I've loved this stupid series since I was fourteen years old. It's such a weird mess! The plot is nonsense! But the feelings of the characters are so achingly sincere, even when everything happening around them is absolutely incomprehensible bullshit.

What an odd game. I'm glad it exists.

It took me fourteen years, but I have finally written fanfiction for my selfcest OTP.

Tem and Ginger had very different reactions to learning about this fic, which more or less boiled down to the following:

Riona: I'm writing fanfiction in which Light gives himself a blowjob to make himself evil.
Ginger: wh-what
Tem: (nodding sagely) Yes, of course you are.


Title: Awakening
Fandom: Death Note
Rating: 15
Pairing: Light/himself
Wordcount: 2,200
Summary: Kira will need to use every tool at his disposal to tempt Light back into his destined role, and seduction is a tool like any other.
Warnings: Selfcest, extremely dubious consent (although this fic isn't explicit at all).


( Awakening )