Trabia Garden

So this appeared in The Times this morning.

I'm going to pretend that all these line breaks are for suspense, but in fact they're so the pictures will be correctly centred on my layout.














Frankly, if celebrities didn't want me getting weirdly invested in their personal lives, they probably shouldn't be entering into engagements that are genuinely the most perfect thing in the entire world. Congratulations, you two. I hope you produce fabulously witty and intelligent children, and I hope you're so happy that rainbows sprout up wherever you place your feet and everyone else cries with jealousy. You are both inspirations to me. Keep on being excellent.

I SAY THINGS AND THEN THEY COME TRUE. I SAY THINGS AND THEN THEY COME TRUE. I SAID ON FRIDAY THAT I WANTED VICTORIA COREN TO BE AT THE WOULD I LIE TO YOU? RECORDING AND SHE WAS. I SAID IN MY WRITEUP OF SAID RECORDING YESTERDAY THAT I WANTED DAVID MITCHELL AND VICTORIA COREN TO GET MARRIED AND TODAY THE TELEGRAPH ANNOUNCES THAT THEY ARE DATING.

When you do get married, guys, I fully expect an invitation to the wedding for causing this to happen with my magical powers.

Oh, my goodness, this is the best thing.


So this entry doesn't consist solely of my being creepily excited about real people I've never met getting together (this has never happened before, but then again most celebrities aren't this freaking perfect for each other guys you don't understand), further notes on Final Fantasy XIII! I have now played up to Palumpolum (...which I have only just realised is a reference to Palom and Porom of Final Fantasy IV; I thought the name sounded familiar!), where by 'played' I mean 'watched a playthrough on YouTube on account of not possessing the required console'.


( Spoilers up to and including Palumpolum; I think I'm in Chapter Seven. )


Goodness me, wouldn't it be great if Derren Brown appeared on Would I Lie to You?? Don't mind me; just abusing my powers. While I'm at it, I'd love to be serenaded by Darren Criss, although it's possible that my reality-warping abilities pertain only to matters of British comedy.

why do I not have a scanner


Dear Harriet.

Many thanks for the quite excellent ukelele, which is certainly the loveliest I have ever received. And apologies for taking so long to thank you, but I have only just discovered your kind letter again. As I am utterly unmusical, and as my PA was eyeing it most greedily, I allow him to play on it and have passed on your tuning tips. So thank you from both of us.

Have a wonderful 2010 and I hope it's full of beautiful ukelele music.
- Derren x


I thought it was from one of you until I hit 'tuning tips' and realised none of you would have known I included some. Also that few of you would have taken the trouble to prepare beautiful custom stationery with his name and his agent's details on it. (I find it hilarious that this is exactly the language of the letters I've received from mock Derren Browns, though. You guys are obviously excellent at characterisation!)

Oh, and I was so embarrassed about the ukulele-sending, and I felt I'd made a complete tit of myself, and he must be so busy (he's touring at the moment, isn't he?) and yet he's written an actual letter of thanks in response. That is just ridiculously lovely of him.

asdfjkgjadfghadfjhgfhgh I am actually shaking.

Dear University of Sussex,

You have been ranked the second-best place to study linguistics in the country! Congratulations! Do you:

a) axe the Linguistics department, or
b) not be stupid?

Take your time. This is not a trick question.


( Cut for anger. )


Anyway! I do not like my entries to be entirely full of misery, so now it is time for something happy! AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE JUST THE THING.

A couple of days ago, I received a notice that someone had sent me a letter with insufficient postage, and so I had to pick it up from the handling office. (This, as it turned out, was a good thing, because otherwise it would probably have been crammed through the letterbox and damaged.) In excited anticipation, because man do I love getting post, I set off.

Now, you may have noticed that I am ever-so-slightly prone to exaggeration, and in particular to use of the term 'best thing ever'. Here is the problem with this: when something actually is the best thing ever, how does one express it?

The first sheet I drew out of the envelope was a drawing of Derren Brown in Silent Hill, holding a ukulele.


( Beneath the cut are scans of Derren Brown meeting the Doctor, the Master, Silent Hill, High School Musical and ukuleles. They are all wonderful. )


In conclusion: sos_your_face is amazing.

The opening of the segment on dreams in the second episode of the third series of Trick of the Mind excited me to a quite ridiculous degree. 'Wait, are they... THEY ARE. THAT STATION IS NOT FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. DERREN BROWN IS NOT FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE. DERREN BROWN IS BLINDFOLDING A GUY NOT FIVE MINUTES FROM MY HOUSE.' My housemate (at my term-time home, not at THE HOUSE FIVE MINUTES AWAY FROM THE STATION WHERE DERREN BROWN ONCE WAS YOU GUYS), watching it with me, was unimpressed.

Speaking of my housemate: she has been messing with my mind. I once left a Derren Brown DVD on my bed, went out of the room for half a moment and came back to discover that it had switched positions with his book on my bedside table. The evening before yesterday, I came back to my room after brushing my teeth and froze in the doorway. The 'Specials' boxset was propped up on my bed, so Derren was staring at me as I came in. It was absolutely terrifying. I was too afraid to look away for several minutes, because I had the powerful feeling that, if my glance shifted, Derren Brown would get me.

I hope my housemate is the explanation, anyway, because otherwise Derren Brown himself has been playing with the contents of my room with his mind, and that is an alarming prospect.

(I eventually had to call said housemate in to remove the DVD from my sight so I could enter the room. She said something to the effect of, 'okay, you're obviously tired and insane and you should go to bed'.

I looked over at the bed.

My Something Wicked This Way Comes DVD was propped up against the pillow.

I couldn't stop laughing for about seven minutes.)


Yesterday, ms_treesap and I went to see Slumdog Millionaire. I am now of the opinion that all films would be vastly improved by having the cast dance over the credits. Especially the Silent Hill film. Pyramid Head, with nurses as his backup dancers? You know you want to see it. (Twilight, of course, would also have been improved by massive dances, but this video has already remedied the lack beautifully.)

Earlier, we came across a busker. My reaction was more or less exactly 'OH MY GOD, HE HAS AN ELECTRIC UKULELE. I have to give this man money!' He wasn't even good! It's just the principle of the thing!


Strange revelation: I think I'm going to miss David Tennant's Doctor when he's gone. All these years of never quite forgiving him for not being Christopher Eccleston, and now the end of his run is in sight and I find that I am actually feeling a bit sad. I'm probably going to miss Donna more, but... you guys, David Tennant isn't going to be the Doctor any more. After forty episodes or thereabouts, the title is moving on.

I'm not sure what's brought this on. It is entirely possible that my sudden pre-emptive nostalgia is entirely due to the Tenth Doctor's being the one with whom Derren Brown is travelling (fact), and when Tennant is no longer the Doctor I will not be able to pretend that Derren is in the background of all of the scenes. Well, I suppose I will, but it will not be the same.

YOU GUYS. I AM NOT SURE I HAVE EVER BEEN SO THRILLED.

You remember the silly Jared-being-possessed-by-Sam fic I posted a couple of days ago? Well, mercuriazs asked whether she could record a podfic version of it, and I very nearly fell out of a window in delighted shock and said YES, YES, OF COURSE YOU MAY, and she did, and it is brilliant. The way she mimics Jensen's voice! The way she delivers lines! Plus she is a real live American, and I always sort of think in a British accent, so it is terribly exciting for me to hear my writing for an American fandom in the voice in which it should be heard.

The reading is about twenty-three minutes long; there are some tapping noises at the beginning, but they clear up within forty seconds. Here are the download links:

MP3 format (21 MB)
M4A format (31 MB)

If you enjoy it, be sure to tell her how awesome she is! There's a comment from her here that you can reply to.

...okay, now I have watched 'The Devil's Trap', and I am fairly sure that is the first time a television series has actually made me exclaim 'OH MY FUCKING GOD'. And I thought I hated my episode rationing before! If I continue abiding by my self-imposed rules, I won't get to watch the first episode of Series Two until Monday!

...I'm probably not going to continue abiding by my self-imposed rules, am I?

SERIOUSLY MY HEART AND MY BRAIN AND HELP

ALSO SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP ME FROM WRITING INCREDIBLY TWISTED SORT-OF DEAN WINCHESTER/HIS FATHER, BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS THAT. (futuresoon? You know that you said that there was a point at which you thought there would be a kiss? I totally thought so too. WE ARE BOTH EQUALLY WRONG.)

Oh, dear, Ashes to Ashes is on in an hour and I'm not going to be able to focus because my mind will be full of Winchesters. I'd talk about Sam and Dean hunting demons in 1973, but I am too distraught even to suggest silly Supernatural crossovers. Especially Life on Mars ones, for reasons I am sure those of you who have seen 'The Devil's Trap' will understand.

IP logging is off (EDIT: it's back on again now, as it's become clear that you want to remain a mysterious silent ninja of loveliness - seriously, I am so very grateful); will my anonymous benefactor please step forward so I can SNOG YOU A LOT er, I don't know, write fic for you or something? Is there anything you'd like me to do? Is there some ridiculous crossover you've always hoped someone would write? I suppose I could offer to beta-read something for you, but you might worry about preserving your Secret Identity if I'm already familiar with your writing style. Thank you so much!

Obviously, I can't stop any of you from pretending to be my anonymous benefactor, but, er, please don't?

I hope you realise that this means I will make more polls.

Oh, good Lord, draegonhawke, I didn't get you anything! Thank you so much! Can I do anything for you? Is there anything you'd really like me to have a go at writing?

So much icon space all of a sudden! I'd say 'I have no idea what I'll do with it all', but I quickly learnt when the space for free users went from three to six that the number of userpics you need is always exactly one more than the number of spaces you have, so I have no doubt that I'll soon be going 'argh! where did all my icon slots go?'

In other news, this is a general cry for people to write, er, James May/James Norrington fanfiction, because dracothelizard has managed to get me hooked on the pairing with her unspeakably wonderful 'five Jameses in Silent Hill' work-in-progress. Come on! They would be gloriously sarcastic at each other and at those they associate with, and Clarkson and Norrington would argue constantly, and it is touching and adorable in an extremely odd way.

Well, yes, May is a real-life modern-day motoring journalist and Norrington is a fictional eighteenth-century Commodore, so it may not be the most logical of pairings, but I would say that it is a fairly strong candidate for most awesome.

(EDIT: Oh, hang on, there's a new year, isn't there? I didn't really notice, because I've been thinking that 2006 was 2007 since, er, June. I ask people, in perfect seriousness, 'what year is it?' on a fairly regular basis.

Anyway. Happy New Year!)