rionaleonhart | Entries tagged with clearly a bad idea

It is time for a game! Here is the premise:

- Come up with a good, or at least workable, concept for a work of fanfiction.
- Make it into a terrible idea by changing one word.

For example:

Jane wakes in unfamiliar surroundings. Red John is tired of the games. Extremely dark.

Jane wakes in unfamiliar surroundings. Red John is tired of the games. Extremely fluffy.

One of the l'Cie has been captured. Lightning mounts a rescue.

One of the l'Cie has been captured. Lightning awaits a rescue.

A love story about two souls displaced in time. Serah/Noel. Contains explicit scenes.

A love story about two souls displaced in time. Serah/Mog. Contains explicit scenes.

A series of ficlets in which various Waterloo Road pupils, struggling with personal issues, confide in the head.

A series of ficlets in which various Waterloo Road pupils, struggling with personal issues, confide in Pyramid Head.

YOUR TURN. Any fandom is welcome. I suppose you can try to write a snippet if you're really brave.

Crossposts: http://rionaleonhart.livejournal.com/341769.html

Are people writing ridiculous AU fanfiction to celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton? I do so hope they are. Sam Winchester is second in line to the throne! He becomes engaged to Ruby! The press desperately try to find out more about her family, or at least her freaking surname, but as she outright threatens to kill reporters and paparazzi it's fairly difficult to approach her directly. Eventually, someone finds out that Prince Sam is drinking his betrothed's blood and all hell breaks loose. It is not at all good for the image of the royal family.

I'd also, conversely, read fanfiction about William and Kate fighting the supernatural in between public appearances. IN FACT, EVEN THOUGH I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN THE ROYAL COUPLE AS CHARACTERS BEFORE I WROTE THAT SENTENCE, I NOW WANT THIS FIERCELY. How do people react when not only are they saved from demons: they're saved from demons by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge? It'd be bloody difficult for them to work undercover; have you ever tried pretending to be a police officer in order to gather information when your wedding has been all over the newspapers and television for months?

What a stupid entry. I don't usually post entries this short, but I fear that it will only get worse if I continue. As an apology (whilst managing to sort of stay on the theme of royal weddings, actually), here is a link to a man singing a medley of Disney songs on YouTube. HE'S SPLIT-SCREENED HIMSELF AND THE DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF HIM RESPOND TO AND INTERACT WITH EACH OTHER AND IT'S FABULOUS. I particularly enjoy how very bored the villain looks when the hero and/or heroine are singing.

I'm not very good at April Fools' Day. I considered making a big fake 'I'M LEAVING FANDOM, GOODBYE FOREVER' post, but what I've decided to do instead is this:

- You post the worst fanfiction idea you can think of in the comments. Inappropriate crossovers, incompatible pairings, stupid AUs or just wildly out-of-character behaviour: all are welcome here. 'Squall Leonhart gives up being a SeeD to pursue his dream of becoming a telemarketer', for example, or 'Silent Hill 2 AU: Pyramid Head is a florist, James Sunderland is a regular customer, love ensues'.
- I unwisely attempt to write a few lines of that fic.

It's sort of in the spirit of the day, if not a traditional April Fools' joke. Prompt away! (If you make a request featuring a fandom with which I am not familiar, I reserve the right to make things up based solely on the fandom's name.)

THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA. I suppose that's sort of the point, but still. SUCH A BAD IDEA.

My favourite quote so far from For Richer, For Poorer, Victoria Coren's poker memoirs:

There is not enough money in the world for Ram. He is ever so handsome and the lady croupiers get lost in his big dark eyes, but Ram doesn't seem to notice women. If the dealer was topless, Ram would still look at the cards. He once had a girlfriend who asked Ram to write her a love poem. He wrote, 'On the moors there's heather and bramble, but all I want to do is gamble.' They are not together any more.

(I'm reading this book very slowly, I know, but it's absolutely not because I'm not enjoying it. I am savouring it. It's a great book to take to a coffee shop and read over a mug of hot chocolate.)

I bought For Richer, For Poorer on the way to see The Unbelievable Truth being recorded a couple of weeks ago, which leads nicely into my next paragraph: whilst waiting for the recording to begin,

valderys and I started talking about throwing underwear at David Mitchell, for some reason (as a general concept; we weren't making plans). We eventually concluded that the only way one could fittingly throw pants at Mitchell would be if they were very sensible plain M&S knickers, still in the five-pack. Nobody should actually do this; there's too much potential for injury, and you'd almost certainly be kicked out of the recording. It's just a thought that amuses me.

I spent the weekend at my aunt's, and in the course of the visit I read The Worry Website, one of many Jacqueline Wilson books belonging to my adorable tiny cousin-once-removed. I cried. I haven't read a Jacqueline Wilson book in so many years, and I'd forgotten what a wonderful writer for children she is.

You know, my first attempt at fanfiction - conceived before I even knew what fanfiction was - was actually a wildly ambitious idea for a film called Harry Potter and the Double Act Twins, in which Ruby and Garnet, the twins from Jacqueline Wilson's Double Act, went to Hogwarts. My best friend from primary school and I were going to write the script and play the twins. There were extremely fierce fights about who got to play Garnet, which, because I am meeker (...more Garnet-like, in fact), I lost.

I still have my handwritten notes on problems we would need to get around when filming it. These notes tell me that I was thinking we could get the necessary owls from bird sanctuaries, although what I've actually written is 'bird ~~sancuo~~ places'. The plan for Quidditch is 'Players sit on brooms suspended by springy wires. They will easily be able to swing round'. There's an illustration, but I note that the illustration doesn't show exactly what the brooms are to be suspended from.

To my recollection, we only actually rehearsed one scene, which involved my brother Joseph (playing Harry Potter) crawling along the landing towards the imagined Voldemort and snarling 'YOU... KILLED... MY... PARENTS' in the most dramatic way you've ever heard.

LET'S ALL REMINISCE ABOUT JACQUELINE WILSON'S BOOKS. I suppose it's possible that you didn't read her books as a child, in which case I can only apologise for your life. Go back in time, read them, and then come back here and join in the reminiscing.

I tell my parents that when the year comes to an end, I'm not going to university. I think I've found a sort of vocation in comedy. I love the underworld, I love the screwed-up people, I finally fit in and I am happy. I'm not going to give it up to study T.S. Eliot and The Wife's Lament. I can't bear to re-enter the misery of my school years. And I sense that I'd never go back to comedy if I stopped to be a student for three years. I'd lose my nerve, and I can't risk that. Something finally feels right to me. I'm on my yellow brick road. So, I'm going to write to the admissions tutor at Oxford and say thank you very much, but they should give my place to somebody else.

Then I look at my father's face. I love him more than anyone in the world.

'It's okay,' I say. 'I was only joking.'

I'm only twenty pages into For Richer, For Poorer, Victoria Coren's poker memoirs, and I have already found myself on the verge of tears multiple times. My poker knowledge is patchy, but I'm really enjoying it so far.

Speaking of Victoria Coren: the brilliant but evil

elfwhistletree posted her own Only Connect wall yesterday, and it inspired me to have a crack at making one myself. Mine isn't as elegant or as packed with ingenious red herrings as hers, but let's see how it goes.

~~Petrelli~~, ~~Normal~~, ~~Chain~~, ~~Grant~~
~~Pond~~, ~~Lock~~, ~~Barley~~, ~~Shed~~
~~Helmet~~, ~~Smith~~, ~~Fan~~, ~~Mow~~
~~Heat~~, ~~Young~~, ~~Noble~~, ~~Explosion~~

For anyone unfamiliar with Only Connect: there are four groups of four words in here, mixed up largely at random. The words in each group are held together by a connection. Your aim is to untangle the four groups and find the connections. For example, the answers to Wall 65 on the Only Connect website:

Adze, Gouge, Plane, Rasp - hand tools used in woodworking
Dion, Logan, Martin, Shaw - Eurovision Song Contest winners
Diaper, Plug, Pool, Straw - form valid words when read backwards
Blue, Boysen, Goose, Huckle - can be followed by 'berry'

Some of these fall into multiple categories - for example, 'straw' can also be followed by 'berry' - but ultimately there's only one perfect solution.

If you give me a list of four words from the centred wall and your guess at their connection, I'll tell you whether you're right or wrong! You're also welcome to think aloud and confer with others in the comments, of course.

This may well not work at all, but let's give it a try. (And I encourage other people to come up with their own walls, because this game is incredibly frustrating and I'm a masochist.)

(EDIT:

doyle_sb4 has identified the first group! This puzzle probably is too easy, but at least I've included the link to the Only Connect website, which will provide more than enough annoyance when my attempt at a wall proves inadequate.)

(EDIT AGAIN: The wall has been completed! Correct guesses:

doyle_sb4: Smith, Grant, Pond, Noble - Doctor Who companions

derryderrydown: Petrelli, Barley, Young, Explosion - characters called Nathan

elfwhistletree: Chain, Helmet, Shed, Lock - can be preceded by 'bike'

zarla: Normal, Fan, Mow, Heat - forms of Rotom (well, of course one of them was going to be about Pokémon)

Thank you to everyone who played!)

PSYDUCK ISN'T A PSYCHIC TYPE

WHAT

WHAT

HOW DID I NEVER REALISE THIS

WHAT SORT OF MAD WORLD DO WE LIVE IN

Anyway!

f_march_madness (initially mistyped as 'f_mad_marchness'), the yearly multi-fandom character steel cage match contest, is coming up soon, and this has rather got me in the mood for pitting things against other things.

THEREFORE: POKÉMON SHOWDOWN TIME. (I was initially planning to do this after

f_march_madness had finished, but I've just realised that my paid time is running out in a month, so I'd better do this whilst I have the ability to make polls.)

First-generation only, first-stage only, no legendaries. The first round determines the Pokémon to be representing each elemental type (Ice has been assimilated into other types; apologies to Ice Pokémon fans). Pokémon are generally sorted by primary type, but I've thrown a few Pokémon into their secondary-type categories to make the numbers work and/or according to my own capricious whims (this is a very informal contest). Water and Normal, being by far the largest categories, have each been split into two.

I highly encourage campaigning for your favourite Pokémon by posting poorly-drawn representations of them in the comments (bonus points for using MS Paint).

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:

( STEEL CAGE POKÉMON BATTLE I GUESS? ROUND ONE )

Second round opens probably around the second of March, unless I forget about this entirely, which is quite possible. In any case, have fun voting!

I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IMAGE IS MAKING ME LAUGH SO HARD. 'I presume you are inquiring as to who this upstanding bloke is' is a very weird juxtaposition - for people unfamiliar with the connotational nuances of British English, 'I presume you are inquiring as to who this upstanding dude is' would probably have a similarly jarring effect - but 'You know the gentlemen are most beguiled by his charming antics and wish to situate themselves inside his trousers for a festive gathering' is possibly the best sentence I've ever read. (I would like to situate myself inside your trousers for a festive gathering, Blaine.)

HERE IS A TERRIBLE MEME IDEA: write out the first lines of songs in the style of Dapper Blaine (exaggeratedly formal, old-fashioned and verbose, basically; I have no idea why this meme exists, but it's one of my favourites, even if reading too many examples ruins my speech for hours afterwards) and have your flist guess to which song each rewrite pertains. Let's give it a try.

1. My gratitude to you, man of the hammer; I believe I would have difficulty expressing the significance of your actions in halting the motion of that delivery vehicle. (guessed by

emmarrrrr and

dracothelizard)
2. Of late, I have found respiration impossible. (guessed by

kadrin)
3. It is a deity-appalling little circumstance to the young woman with rodentlike tresses. (guessed by

honeyfitz)
4. You claim to traverse a region that belongs to you, but on consideration I fail to understand how this can be so. (guessed by

lakester)
5. Set forth upon the thoroughfare; would you allow me to borrow your appellation? (guessed by

marginaliana)
6. Fasten your labia oris, infant; fasten similarly your outer garment. (guessed by

ms_katonic)
7. On every occasion of your drinking a small amount in this smoke-filled environment, you place the glass container of said drink against your mouth and I yearn to be, presumably, the container, rather than the alcohol within, although the metonymic term I use to express this desire makes this unclear. (guessed by anonymous commenter)
8. Raise the coverings protecting your optical organs; I perceive that said organs are now unsheathed. (guessed by

dots)
9. Birthed in the community of a deceased adult male; my initial calcitration was taken upon my making violent contact with the earth. (guessed by

ms_katonic)
10. I wish to achieve the absolute pinnacle of greatness, a feat to date unaccomplished by any person. The true establisher of my skill is capturing them; teaching and improving them is my aim. I shall traverse this region from end to end, extending my search to a great distance and breadth and educating these creatures in the strength held within. POKÉMON, GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL.

Wow, I never realised before how few of the things I listen to actually have lyrics. I had to skip about ten songs for every one I could use. In any case, guess away!

On a note unrelated aside from the shared themes of music and ridiculousness, have you ever wanted to listen to a mashup of 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' and 'Roxanne'? Of course you have. Here, for your listening pleasure: Rudolph (You Don't Have To Put On The Red Light). I love the Internet. (Thanks to

jantalaimon for linking to this on her journal and thus bringing it into my life.)

Why I Must Never Learn How to Create Fanvids, Reason One of Many: my first creation would inevitably be a video set to 'I Don't Dance' of High School Musical 2, with David Mitchell in the role of Chad and Jonathan Ross as Ryan.

It would be awful. I would be immediately and universally despised.

(Here, in case you are unaware of the context for this thought, is the clip from The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2009 in which Jonathan Ross encourages David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker to dance, and they rather wonderfully refuse. Later in the quiz, I believe, Ross offers to take Mitchell's virginity if Mitchell dances, thereby further cementing the Ryan-and-Chad parallels. If you ignore the fact that Ryan Evans is considerably more adorable than Jonathan Ross (although there is something strangely endearing about the Top Gear fandom's

wossy60) and Chad Danforth is completely unlike David Mitchell in every respect other than that of reluctance to dance, the comparison is exact.)

Well, as I'm not too far from the subject area, I'd like to discuss this secret, which was posted to

fandomsecrets a few days ago (possibly by one of you? I wouldn't be surprised). In case the image is taken down at some point or you don't want to load it: it is a picture of David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker on the Big Fat Quiz, with the text '[...] I want fic where they're together, with all their combined social awkwardness and their mild misanthropy; the sex is mediocre and neither of them get relationships, and yet they're kind of fond of each other.'

Thank you, secret-maker, because now so do I. Possibly with a slight element of Mitchell's unrequited love for his comedy partner. I want Mitchell and Brooker to have awkward, uncomfortable glance-conversations when Webb is around and never overtly bring it up. Brooker knows and Mitchell knows he knows and they both know it would probably be best if they just talked about it, but if Brooker's just some substitute he'd rather not confirm that, thanks, and Mitchell feels that maybe he can pretend the issue isn't there so long as it never comes up in conversation.

Oh, dear, I'm making this scenario a bit sad, aren't I? Also they would obviously have amazing banter and genuine fondness and it would be, well, nice, despite all the problems they don't talk about. I would be delighted were someone to write this.

(The sex is mediocre! That is my favourite part. Firstly because I can readily believe it (sorry, guys; obviously I have not had sex with either of you, so I wouldn't know, and even if I had my lack of a frame of reference would prevent my reaching an educated conclusion, although at least I'd have a great story for my Livejournal), and secondly because there's something rather lovely about the concept of their having a semiromantic relationship despite rather than because of the sex.)

Just to bookend this entry with terrible ideas: a couple of nights ago, in a deranged haze of tiredness and essay-panic, I scribbled down an idea for a television programme in which celebrities crept into the beds of members of the public whilst they were sleeping, and hidden cameras filmed the subjects' reactions when they woke up to find themselves in bed with Robert Downey Jr and with no recollection of how he got there.

So long as no one ever, ever makes that, there's still some hope for society.

YOU GUYS

the_funmonkey HAS WRITTEN A DERREN BROWN/SUPERNATURAL CROSSOVER

(YES, DERREN BROWN IS A FANDOM)

Oh, I just want everyone to write Derren Brown fanfiction all the time. He is a delight to write for and a delight to read and I am delighted.

Rewatching the Supernatural episode 'The Magnificent Seven' after Derren Brown has infected one's mind is a terribly bizarre experience. When Bobby says, 'Do you have any idea what we're dealing with here?', the answer is quite clearly 'Derren Brown'. The demons put a hand on the victim's shoulder and implant a suggestion! Just like Derren Brown! Envy even has the beard!

Of course, after I realised that all of the Deadly Sins were, in fact, Derren Brown, the scene in which Dean makes out with Lust became very odd indeed.

...

I HAVE JUST MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE, AND THAT MISTAKE'S NAME IS

derrenbrownfic.

PLEASE LINK, JOIN, WRITE AND POST WHILST I WEEP AT MY LACK OF RESTRAINT.

When I get back to the computer with the icon on it, its default is totally going to be Derren Brown with a Jigglypuff.

( Bad Ideas For The Next Series Of Supernatural Theatre. Spoilers for 'No Rest for the Wicked'. )

If you have any gloriously bad ideas of your own for the next series, do share!

This is an exercise that struck me as being incredibly interesting, but which I couldn't really repost myself because I'm not involved in any roleplays. So! It is Slightly Modified Meme Time!

The original meme:

Ask any of the characters I roleplay a question and I'll reply in-character as them with an answer. Feel free to ask them ANYTHING, regardless of whether you know their canon or not. Feel free to also ask them as your own character. They will respond accordingly.

The Non-Roleplayer Remix:

Ask any character you think I might be able to manage a question, and I'll reply in-character as them with an answer (or possibly reply as myself going 'WHAT THE HELL, I CAN'T DO THIS'). Feel free to ask either as yourself or as another character.

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND I MAY WELL FAIL MISERABLY. My experience with roleplaying is largely confined to, um, the roleplaying boards on Neopets, many years ago.

Yes.

So this is probably not going to leave you with a sense of 'I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S FICTIONAL ANY MORE', but it should be fun, at least. Or a disaster! I am hoping for 'fun'.

(I think someone should host a meme where anyone can offer in-character responses, possibly anonymously. I contemplated it, but I'm so bad at self-promotion that it'd probably never get off the ground.)

IT IS TIME TO SHARE EMBARRASSING OLD FANFICTION. I shall start us off by quoting a few paragraphs from the Final Fantasy X self-insertion I wrote a few chapters of between the ages of thirteen and fourteen. Please join in by sharing your own shame-inducing fanfiction in the comments, because otherwise I'm just going to hide in a corner for ever.

THE STORY SO FAR: Riona, who has an embarrassingly large crush on Tidus (ACTUAL QUOTE: She hit the ‘New Game’ button, and watched as the opening scene played out. She grinned to herself at the close-up of Tidus on the cliff. Wow, he was a bishounen (bolding of appalling fangirl Japanese-use mine)), has just woken up in Zanarkand at the beginning of Final Fantasy X, having been ~mysteriously transported~ into the game. Her reaction to this is essentially 'I've been sucked into the videogame I was playing? How peculiar. OH MAN I'D BETTER WARN ~~DREAMY~~ TIDUS ABOUT SIN.' (Come to think of it, I never did learn to write realistic reactions to clearly absurd events. But I like to think I'm at least a little better than 'Huh, I'm in Zanarkand. Wonder how that happened. Well, as I'm here, better go and warn a fictional character about the upcoming fictional disaster.')

Below the cut, you may see Riona's exceedingly smooth attempt at telling Tidus what is about to happen. I have made no changes to it, much though I'd like to.

( In Which Riona Makes A Fool Of Herself. And Overuses Ellipses. And 'Almost Melts', Apparently. )

SMOOTH. What worries me is that I can actually see myself behaving like this today.

(This is by no means the worst thing in my fanfiction folder - it's not even the worst part of this fic; later on you'll find the line 'Agony beyond anything I have ever felt!' used completely seriously, exclamation mark and all - but it's the worst I can actually bring myself to show you. WHY THE CRUSH ON TIDUS, SERIOUSLY.)

HERE IS A CONFESSION: I love terrible television. Love it. And I don't just mean Torchwood levels of terrible; I mean that my entire family sometimes gathers around the television to watch an episode of H₂O: Just Add Water, a horrendously-acted Australian soap opera about teenage mermaids. I mean that, on some deek (...I think that was originally going to say 'deep, dark', but my Incredible Typo Ability appears to have invented a new word that covers both) level, I sort of 'ship Drake/Josh.

Because I am sure that many of you are secretly fans of the appallingly bad, two things. Firstly: you know you have television/films/books/music/fanfiction you're ashamed to admit to liking. Confess! You'll feel better!

Secondly: here is a link to a clip from Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. It is one of the greatest things that I have ever seen.

Your definition of 'great' may vary.

Do you ever upload a new icon and use it for the first time and find yourself completely bowled over by how right it feels? That's the effect I've got from this Dean icon by

iconseeyou. Yes, all right, I know that Dean is hotter, but it still feels like me.

Question time! What is your fanfiction guilty pleasure? Personally, no matter how ridiculous a cliché it may be, I'm always rather partial to a 'the characters discover fanfiction about themselves' fic or two. And tell me with an icon that seems inexplicably right for you.

Today, I asked my brother whether he would be interested in going on a roadtrip to fight demons. He suggested going on a roadtrip to commit crime instead. We're probably never going to be the heroes.

Firstly: I try so hard to resist these, but I knew I'd fail one day. Here I am at an anonymity meme. Tell me whatever you'd like.

In other numbers: WHY DO I FIND THE WINCHESTER BROTHERS SO VERY ATTRACTIVE WHEN THEY'RE COVERED IN BLOOD? THIS IS NOT RIGHT. They're also attractive when they're not covered in blood, of course, but Sam and Dean with great big slashes across their faces are hot in a way that cannot possibly be sane. Also, 'Shadow' was so full of beautiful family love that I almost wept. (As it is apparently Incest Week in Riona's Livejournal I can see where you might get confused, but by 'beautiful family love' I do not, in fact, mean incest.) And take note, Torchwood: 'The Benders' is 'Countrycide' improved times a billion.

My brother wandered in when I was watching 'Hell House', stayed for the rest of it and asked whether we could see another episode when it was over. This makes me so happy you would not believe it. Yay, conversions!

Yesterday, I watched the first six episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist for the first time in a long time (I will never understand why the opening and ending themes are so upbeat), and I was struck by how similar the Elrics and the Winchesters are. Well, all right, this is mainly based on both pairs of brothers having dead mothers and father issues. And I suppose you could sort of say that the Elrics travel around and fight supernatural entities. Er. This wasn't a very good attempt at a point, really, was it?

(I also rewatched the musical episode of Buffy, and now I sort of want the Winchesters to investigate Spike. Sadly, I can never write this and probably wouldn't understand the fic if someone else did, because I've seen almost no Buffy. BUT STILL.)

You know that I occasionally put forward challenges such as 'make fake Pokémon cards' and 'cross inappropriate fandoms over with Pokémon'? Most of them seem to involve Pokémon in some way. Well, I've just been struck with the idea of challenging you all to create fanvids for highly inappropriate pairings, set to the hilariously awful 'Misty's Song' from the Pokémon soundtrack.

There are three main problems with this plan:

1) I can't make fanvids at all - not even bad ones - so I can't make one myself, which makes demanding them from others seem more 'DANCE FOR MY AMUSEMENT, SLAVES' than 'it's all right; we're all being silly together'.
2) I don't actually have a soundfile of 'Misty's Song', so I can't distribute it for ease of video-making. NOT THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
3) It is a terrible, terrible idea.

So this is an entry explaining why I am not setting this challenge and not a subtle-as-a-brick method of trying to get you to create videos without my outright asking for them at all.

You know that you want a James/Mary fanvid set to that song, don't you? JAMES SUNDERLAND, NOT JAMES MAY. OR JAMES OF TEAM ROCKET. If you think you can pull off a James of Team Rocket/Mary Shepherd-Sunderland fanvid, go ahead, you crazy person.

EDIT: A suggestion from

th_esaurus, for those of you who are as fanvideally challenged as I am: Another challenge for you to consider setting your flist: re-writing songs so that they become COMEDY SHIPPING SONGS! Yes!

I was almost too embarrassed to post this, but then I thought that it could have interesting (or at least entertaining) results if it actually became a meme, so. I HOPE SOME OF YOU REPOST THIS SO THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN MY HUMILIATION.

Most fanfiction writers will know the feeling: you look back at a fic you were quite proud of three or four years ago and think, with a sense of horror, 'I can't believe I ever thought this was good.' So you rip it down from wherever it was archived and hide in appalled shame.

It is time for those fics we wish we could forget to come crawling back out of the depths.

Take an extract from the earliest-written (or the worst, if you're feeling particularly brave) of the fics you once wiped from the face of the Internet but still have lurking somewhere on your hard drive. Post it to your journal. Cringe.

This must have been written when - oh, look, I'm verbally distancing myself from it. I must have written this at some point in the year 2000, so I would have been about twelve. It is a Harry Potter script-format (augh!) 'humour' fic, and it was the first thing I ever posted on fanfiction.net (and also the first thing I ever took down from it). It is about the no-doubt-hilarious adventures of Hermione Granger and two completely substanceless original characters, Aria and Jed. Everything is as it was in the original, exclamation marks and all, with the exception of the bolding and italics, which I have added for ease of reading. Because it's bad enough on its own without being hard on the eyes as well.

( Seriously, this is awful. It's a particularly immature twelve-year-old's attempt at humorous scriptfic. Don't look. )

SUCH A YOUNG WIT, RIONA. You'd bloody well better post extracts from your old things now, because I don't want to be the only one shuddering. (I like to think I've improved immensely in the seven years I've been writing since then, but what am I using my painstakingly-acquired writing skills for? I am writing about men having sex with cars. I hope I'm proud of myself.)

I want to buy a pub, call it the 'Noway Inn' and plaster up the door. It probably wouldn't be a terribly good business decision, but it would be worth it. I also want to create a very heavy and serious television drama, then utterly ruin it by communicating the climactic event through the 'spinning newspaper' format, complete with silly sound effect. Basically, I like the idea of embarking on projects purely for the sake of spectacular failure. Is that so wrong?

I am feeling a bit lonely right now. This is why all of the

topgearslash people need to live together: there won't be the 'everyone has gone! woe and alas and why don't I have a cat at my university lodgings?' period after a meet-up. The 'BECAUSE IT WOULD BE AWESOME' reason is also compelling.

Here is a ficsnippet that is almost certainly never going to go anywhere, but which I am posting because this particular aspect has totally become part of my personal James canon:

"Well, I quite enjoy the occasional bout of unrequited love."

Richard gives him a look. "That, James," he says, "is because you are a nutcase."

There's a rather fun-looking meme going around, along the lines of 'Name three fics you think I will never, ever, ever write. In return, I will attempt to write a snippet of one of them.' While I am tempted, I've spent the past four months discovering that there is really very little that I won't write, so I fear that either nobody will respond or the suggestions will be so traumatising that I'll end up cowering in a corner for ever.

Still. Worth a shot, right?

Suggest ~~three~~ any number of fics you think I will never, ever, ever write. In return, I will attempt to write a snippet of (at least) one of them.

I point-blank refuse to write real-person deathfic. I know it's probably cheating to specify things I will not write in a meme like this, but I cannot possibly do it.

Please do not request fandoms that you know me to be unfamiliar with on the grounds that 'well, it certainly fits the "she will probably never write it" rule'. This is true, but unfair. If you don't know whether I'm familiar with a fandom or not, feel free to request it, but include a request for something you know I know as well.

There are quite a few of you I am extremely tempted to ban from requesting things, but that would be unsporting.

RIONA'S STUPIDEST ACTIONS OF 2005 (subject to change until the first of January, 2006):

3. Running out of time on her Poetry exam, panicking and hastily scribbling down 'In conclusion, it appears that only birds have true hope' at the end of her essay on Shelley's To A Skylark and Hardy's The Darkling Thrush.
2. Signing up for

fanfic100.
1. Signing up for

fanfic100... again.

So, uh. I don't know whether my second claim will be accepted, but I may as well get some fic written for it just in case it is (read: I've been obsessively scribbling in my many notebooks for a week now and already have ten of them done).

So! This is a post asking for fic requests - as many as you like, please note that the quality, length and actual getting-writtenness of the results is entirely up to me - for either of the following:

- James Sunderland of Silent Hill 2.
- That Macbeth adaptation I keep going on about. (If you haven't seen it, you could request something from the original play and I'll try to work out what the adaptational equivalent would be.)

YES. I'VE APPLIED TO WRITE ONE HUNDRED FICS FOR A NINETY-MINUTE MACBETH ADAPTATION. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

I'm sure that all two hundred fics will be extremely cheerful, given that one set is about a man who went insane and killed a bunch of people and the other is about James Sunderland.

In your requests - in theory - you can request whatever you like, so long as it falls into one of the two claims. But please note that, should you ask me to write Macbeth/James/Pyramid Head/Banquo/Lady Macbeth/Eddie, I'm not going to speak to you any more.

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Riona

AO3

Trabia Garden

Entries tagged with clearly a bad idea

Have You Considered That Decapitation Could Solve All Your Problems?

It Is Probably Fortunate That The Winchesters Are Not The Royal Family.

Look How The Evil Flakes Fall On Everyone.

Round To The Front, Where The Engine Lives.

Because, Forgive Me, The Idea Is I Don't Want To Give You My Money.

STEEL CAGE POKÉMON BATTLE I GUESS? ROUND ONE

Salutations, Spirit Female Kinsperson.

300 People May Slightly Die.

I Thought I Was Stronger Than This.

All The Episodes End At 'Maybe This Isn't Our Gig.' 'I Agree; Let's Go.'

When Worlds Collide. Or Not.

And She Had A Fiery Sword That She Couldn't Put Down.

I'm No Ordinary Girl...

Because Something Is Happening Here, And You Don't Know What It Is.

Fire, Possibly In Your Hair.

Or Pyramid Head/Anyone.

Sell The Cottage And Bugger The House.

I'd Almost Forgotten How Much I Hated Fanny Bloody Price.

Why Is My Income Tax The Same As My Income?

Yeah, well, floccinaucinihilipilificate YOU.

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