Trabia Garden

The Mentalist, 'Blinking Red Light': I don't really know what to say, but I know I have to say something. Spoilers!


( The Mentalist, 'Blinking Red Light'. )


...well, that was probably completely incoherent! Probably best not to attempt to talk about a character as brilliantly twisted as Patrick Jane this late at night.

In other news, episode 40.4 of Have I Got News for You is on in the background, the one with James Blunt guesting and Chris Addison hosting, and oh my God Chris Addison is so attractive in this. I have never found him attractive before! Is it his jacket? Is it his hair? Is it the way he's constantly fiddling with a pen? I do not understand!

Well, my 'Torchwood: Miracle Day will contain an average of one explosion per episode' prediction was clearly a bit on the conservative side. How many explosions were there in the first episode, again? Three?

I'm quite gripped by the concept of Miracle Day, though! I'm interested in seeing where it goes. At the moment it seems to be at 'good Torchwood' level, but I'm always wary with Torchwood, because the quality level could veer wildly downwards at any moment.

Incidentally, when did Gwen Cooper become my favourite character?


Yesterday I went to see Astrology, Ahir Shah's first solo stand-up show! I enjoyed it very much and think that anyone going to the Edinburgh Fringe this August should check him out, although I should mention that my opinion may well be biased on account of three factors:

- he is a friend of my brother's,
- I have consequently met him a couple of times and he seems a thoroughly nice chap, and
- he mentioned a Bulbasaur halfway through his act.

Still, I'm confident that it's well worth watching even if those personal biases are set aside. I can assure you that his jokes are much better than those in the following exchange:


(Riona and Rei are in the back of yuffie_starfish's car. We pass a shop called 'Door World'.)
Riona: Ah, Door World. My very favourite theme park.
Yuffie: (to another inhabitant of the car) We are not lost.
Riona: It's easy to get lost in Door World.
Rei: Yeah. I hear some people just can't handle it.
(pause)
Riona: ...are you finished?
Rei: There's no call for s-knob-bery.
Riona: We need to stop distracting the driver; our safety hinges on it.
Rei: You're right; we're skirting dangerous territory here.
Riona: ...I'm not sure whether to give that one to you. (note: this is the one post-'handle' line that does not contain a pun; don't bother looking for one.)
Rei: Look, whatever you think, I was framed.
Riona: Stop grinning like an... alli... gate... or.
Rei: That one could have used some polish.
Riona: Screw you.
Rei: It was just a bit wooden.
Riona: I think it's plane that you're going to win this one. I'm glad we're not in front of a panel of judges.

I'll stop sharing terrible conversations when reipan stops being a terrible person.

I had the opportunity to go to a recording of QI yesterday! The host, as ever, was Stephen Fry; the guests were Andy Hamilton, Jo Brand and Ben Goldacre.

Interesting to note that the audience respected Jo Brand. Female comedians often seem to have trouble breaking through existing audience prejudice against women in comedy and getting laughs, but Brand's jokes were very well received. Of the female comedians I've seen at recordings, I suppose she's the most established, so people go 'oh, good, it's Jo Brand' rather than 'oh, hell, it's a woman'. This is presumably why she accounts for over forty per cent of female guests on QI (QI producers, you bastards, public perception of female comedians is never going to improve if we never see them).

I'm not going to be able to give you a very detailed report, I fear, but here are a few notes:

Fry: Why would you wake up in the morning and take a pill of a poisonous metalloid?
Brand: If you woke up after a heavy night and realised you were next to Michael Winner.

Fry: What is intelligent falling?
Brand: Is it when you're walking along and you see Michael Winner coming towards you, so you deliberately fall over to squash the cunt?

Fry: What do you call someone who eats literally everything?
Brand: Winner.
(klaxon sounds)

Brand: Laughter is the best medicine, isn't it? But I've found it generally doesn't work for impotence.
Hamilton: I wish you wouldn't look at me when you say that.

Fry: Bowel movements become very important to people as they get older. You hear about grateful patients sending nurses stools, don't you?
Brand: I don't know whether they're grateful.

At one point, a picture of Dr Gregory House talking to his original team appeared on the background screens. Stephen Fry said, 'Who the hell is that?' (I had completely forgotten who actually played House until this moment), and then, of Chase, Cameron and Foreman, 'They're all thinking "I would".'

Goldacre was very interesting and intelligent, and I would happily have listened to him talking about the pharmaceutical industry for hours. Apparently the law does not insist the the results of all drug trials be released! Companies can release only the results that make their drug look good and withhold the others! How incredibly worrying.

Fry: Well, when I read 'a study has shown' I just think 'oh, a study has shown'. It takes someone like Ben here to ask: what was the study? How was it conducted? Who was in it?
Goldacre: Yeah, but... this show is probably one of the worst for that.

Eventually, Goldacre wrote 'CITATION NEEDED' on a pad of paper and held it up whenever Fry said something for which he had insufficient evidence. An xkcd fan, presumably.

Fry: (begins asking a question)
Goldacre: (hits his buzzer)
Fry: (cuts off and looks at Goldacre)
(expectant pause)
Goldacre: Can I have a wee?

Incidentally, Goldacre kept fluffing up his hair whenever the cameras weren't on. OH NO, I'M GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION, I'D BETTER MAKE SURE MY HAIR LOOKS SUFFICIENTLY RIDICULOUS.

Thank you so much to chocolatepeach for the ticket!

There are only three episodes of 10 O'Clock Live left! I'm going to miss it when it finishes, even though it doesn't have nearly enough interaction between the presenters. It was very wobbly indeed when it started out, but I think it's really found its feet, and the past few episodes have been great.

The problem with 10 O'Clock Live is that it shouldn't be live. In theory, it means the presenters can react on-air to any major events that might occur, but on the occasion on which that did happen - the passing of the Libyan no-fly zone resolution - they couldn't really react, in part because it was live and therefore they didn't have time to gather proper information and in part because the presenters are given so little time to discuss things unscripted.

The reason the presenters don't have time for discussion is because Channel 4 want to limit the risk of something going wrong on live television as far as possible; they can't put themselves in the position of not knowing what their presenters are going to be doing, and they can't risk dead air, so the vast majority of 10 O'Clock Live consists of the presenters performing pre-written pieces. This is a waste of liveness, Channel 4! Either make more room for spontaneous discussion or turn the programme into 10 O'Clock Prerecorded, in which you can keep the things that work, edit out the things that don't and allow debates/fabulous shouting matches to run their course, rather than cutting them short before we get to see whether John Prescott (who has never looked better than he did on Thursday night) is going to punch that arsehole from News of the World.

(THAT ARSEHOLE FROM NEWS OF THE WORLD. 'On Tuesday [Sienna Miller]'s prancing around in front of a camera; why on Wednesday should she complain about it because she happens to get caught by a pap who's maybe listened in to her messages to see where she's gonna go?' THIS IS A VERBATIM QUOTE. If you're happy being in front of a camera on your own terms, what right do you have to complain when people listen in on your private conversations? I MEAN, THAT'S JUST UNREASONABLE. 'Privacy's a place where bad people do bad things.' Saying that hacking celebrities' answering machines is just equivalent to listening to your boyfriend's messages to find out what he's been up to, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT THAT'S ENTIRELY MORALLY SOUND. It was great to see Prescott, with the entire audience behind him, bearing down on News of the World Arsehole like a great big wave of righteousness.)

The other reason 10 O'Clock Live shouldn't be live: sometimes they'll get a very enthusiastic audience, which is unbearable because Brooker and Mitchell have no idea what to do when they're applauded in the middle of a piece. They just sit there, looking uncomfortable. IT'S LIVE, AUDIENCE; APPLAUDING SLOWS EVERYTHING DOWN. Although the presenters do seem to have become a bit better at handling unwanted applause in recent weeks.

(Another annoying thing about the audience: they don't laugh at funny things Lauren Laverne says, and then they crack up when Brooker rephrases them to clarify. I SEE YOU, AUDIENCE, REFUSING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE FEMALE PRESENTER CAN BE FUNNY. Part of 10 O'Clock Live's improvement can be attributed to the fact that she's now being allowed to do actual humorous segments, whereas before there was a sense of 'oh noooo, we can't give her jokes', presumably because the same material would be much better received delivered by another of the presenters because the audience are sexist idiots.)

Also, although this is just a personal reason, I find live television really uncomfortable to watch because of the constant threat that the presenters might seriously cock things up. This is a potential that might amuse me in other programmes, but when I like the presenters I just get very embarrassed on their behalf.

Although it does mean that Charlie Brooker occasionally interrupts political discussion to point out that a fly has just landed on his nose, which is rather delightful.


For those who don't watch 10 O'Clock Live, have a performance from a 1976 episode of Top of the Pops. It's pretty incredible. (On Mother's Day, my mum decided to have a 1970s-themed evening and we watched the entire episode containing the linked performance. I enjoyed the fact that, during another performance, the entire audience were standing completely still except for one girl dancing away in the background. Oh, seventies television.)

Finally, in news irrelevant to everyone but me, my tongue feels as if a family of Borrowers are trying to convert it into a bungalow. Ow ow ow ow ow.

My favourite quote so far from For Richer, For Poorer, Victoria Coren's poker memoirs:

There is not enough money in the world for Ram. He is ever so handsome and the lady croupiers get lost in his big dark eyes, but Ram doesn't seem to notice women. If the dealer was topless, Ram would still look at the cards. He once had a girlfriend who asked Ram to write her a love poem. He wrote, 'On the moors there's heather and bramble, but all I want to do is gamble.' They are not together any more.

(I'm reading this book very slowly, I know, but it's absolutely not because I'm not enjoying it. I am savouring it. It's a great book to take to a coffee shop and read over a mug of hot chocolate.)

I bought For Richer, For Poorer on the way to see The Unbelievable Truth being recorded a couple of weeks ago, which leads nicely into my next paragraph: whilst waiting for the recording to begin, valderys and I started talking about throwing underwear at David Mitchell, for some reason (as a general concept; we weren't making plans). We eventually concluded that the only way one could fittingly throw pants at Mitchell would be if they were very sensible plain M&S knickers, still in the five-pack. Nobody should actually do this; there's too much potential for injury, and you'd almost certainly be kicked out of the recording. It's just a thought that amuses me.


I spent the weekend at my aunt's, and in the course of the visit I read The Worry Website, one of many Jacqueline Wilson books belonging to my adorable tiny cousin-once-removed. I cried. I haven't read a Jacqueline Wilson book in so many years, and I'd forgotten what a wonderful writer for children she is.

You know, my first attempt at fanfiction - conceived before I even knew what fanfiction was - was actually a wildly ambitious idea for a film called Harry Potter and the Double Act Twins, in which Ruby and Garnet, the twins from Jacqueline Wilson's Double Act, went to Hogwarts. My best friend from primary school and I were going to write the script and play the twins. There were extremely fierce fights about who got to play Garnet, which, because I am meeker (...more Garnet-like, in fact), I lost.

I still have my handwritten notes on problems we would need to get around when filming it. These notes tell me that I was thinking we could get the necessary owls from bird sanctuaries, although what I've actually written is 'bird sancuo places'. The plan for Quidditch is 'Players sit on brooms suspended by springy wires. They will easily be able to swing round'. There's an illustration, but I note that the illustration doesn't show exactly what the brooms are to be suspended from.

To my recollection, we only actually rehearsed one scene, which involved my brother Joseph (playing Harry Potter) crawling along the landing towards the imagined Voldemort and snarling 'YOU... KILLED... MY... PARENTS' in the most dramatic way you've ever heard.

LET'S ALL REMINISCE ABOUT JACQUELINE WILSON'S BOOKS. I suppose it's possible that you didn't read her books as a child, in which case I can only apologise for your life. Go back in time, read them, and then come back here and join in the reminiscing.

(EDIT: There was another Only Connect wall puzzle here, but as it has now been completed I've popped it under a cut.)


( Only Connect colour wall (now solved!). )


Trying to think of something to include in this entry so it doesn't consist solely of an obnoxious puzzle, I've just realised that I never linked to Kevin Bridges' Would I Lie to You? horse story! In fact, have a handful of my favourite claims.

Reginald D. Hunter: The 'D' in my name stands for 'Delicious'.
David Mitchell: I've had to prise open my bedroom door for the last two years, ever since the door handle fell off.
David Mitchell: As a child, I used to play board games against a bucket with a face painted on it. I called this bucket Stephen Tatlock.
Kevin Bridges: I once accidentally bought a horse.

If you've never seen Would I Lie to You?, I would highly encourage checking some of these out. The concept is that a panellist on one team reads out a claim and the other team have to determine whether it's true or false. It makes me laugh aloud more than any other programme.

Oh, I'd forgotten to mention one of my favourite parts of the Would I Lie to You? recording on Friday! Apparently, a woman once asked Lee Mack to sign her chest, but the pen she gave him didn't work, so without thinking he went over to her other breast and scribbled on it in an attempt to get the ink flowing again.

Also, during the 'This Is My...' round:

Coren: (interrogating Mitchell) All right. One question, and you have to answer this honestly.
Mitchell: Yes. No! No, I don't have to answer it honestly!
Coren: When the producers said 'we're going to bring on the man who has a tattoo of you on one knee and Robert Webb on the other', was your reaction 'oh, good; I'd like to meet him again'?
Mitchell: (glances at the guest, Simon) ...I was obviously delighted by the prospect of furthering my acquaintance with Simon.


To continue the week's unexpected but not unwelcome theme of The Comedy World Bends To Riona's Will, valderys was kind enough to bring me along to another Would I Lie to You? recording on Sunday, and Charlie Brooker was there. He was on Lee Mack's team as well, so he could shout at David Mitchell, which is always a plus.

Other guests were Gregg Wallace of MasterChef, Nina Wadia of EastEnders and Nigel Havers, who has appeared in various things. But Charlie Brooker was there, so they aren't important.

Here is my report!


( Would I Lie to You? recording, 6th March 2011. )


Thank you so much to valderys for the ticket! (How are you so addictive, comedy recordings?) I hope you all enjoy the writeup.

Yesterday, sos_your_face and I went to a recording of Would I Lie to You?. On the journey to the studios, I mentioned that Victoria Coren hadn't appeared on the game before and I'd love to see her there.

'You've said it, so now it's going to happen,' sos_your_face said, referring back to an earlier discussion of my weird power to alter reality: the way Charlie Brooker began flirting with David Mitchell only after I began theoretically 'shipping them, the way I came away from an earlier Would I Lie to You? filming thinking Keeley Hawes/David Mitchell would be adorable and subsequently along came this sketch. 'I'm going to be really disappointed if she's not there tonight. I'm just going to leave and go home.'

'Right,' I said. 'Well, I apologise in advance if on this occasion my reality-warping powers let you down.'


Fast-forward a couple of hours and you'd find us sitting in the studio.

'Next,' Rob Brydon said, 'please welcome to the stage one of my favourite writers, presenters and poker players...'

I actually exclaimed 'Yes!' aloud.

So, yes! On David Mitchell's team were Chris Packham and Mackenzie Crook; on Lee Mack's were Rhod Gilbert and ♥ Victoria Coren ♥. I was convinced for several minutes after Coren's appearance that I was dreaming.

(Victoria Coren is, incidentally, the best player of Would I Lie to You? as a game ever. She got every single claim right.)


Here are some things that I remember from the recording! For anyone unfamiliar with the concept of Would I Lie to You?: a panellist on one team reads out a fact about themselves from a card, and the other team cross-examine them in order to determine whether the fact is true or false.


( Would I Lie to You? recording, 4th March 2011. )


At the end, Coren put on her duffel coat and she and Mitchell walked away together and Mitchell stepped down from the set and held out his hand to assist her and she took it and stepped down and it was the most adorable thing ever. It's fine if you don't want to get married and produce the world's most intelligent and sarcastic children, guys, but I think it would be a great loss to humanity.

(EDIT: My brother has shown me that I am in fact in the wrong. I am a fool, and I apologise to Professor Layton for casting aspersions on his puzzle expertise.)

DEAR PROFESSOR LAYTON:

NO. AN ANALOGUE CLOCK'S HOUR AND MINUTE HANDS DO NOT PASS OVER EACH OTHER TEN TIMES BETWEEN TWELVE NOON AND TWELVE MIDNIGHT; THEY PASS OVER EACH OTHER ELEVEN TIMES. YOU SAY 'THEY START AND END ON TOP OF EACH OTHER SO TWO OF THE TWELVE HOURS DON'T COUNT', BUT TWELVE TO TWELVE INCLUSIVE IS THIRTEEN HOURS.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PUZZLE EXPERT AND I WANT MY PICARATS BACK.

I'm enraged by this silly puzzle in a silly DS game to such an extent that it's actually sort of hilarious. Seriously, though, if you're going to make a game based entirely on puzzles, you really do need to make sure that all the puzzles are correct.

(The American version of Professor Layton and the Curious Village has a different puzzle featuring a digital clock, apparently. I HOPE IT IS A LESS RAGE-INDUCING ONE.)

It's a good game! I am just smarting at the injustice of it all.

(And then I stumbled across this wonderfully silly piece of dialogue and I forgave everything:

Stallholder: You want to take some sausages home with you? These are some links you don't want to be missing!
Layton: No, thank you.
Stallholder: Too bad! Not to bust your 'chops' or anything, but the deal was a one-time offer! Maybe you would've said yes if you'd known what was at 'steak'! Har har har har!
Layton: I think we're done here, Luke.
Luke: I couldn't agree more, Professor.)


A couple of nights ago, I dreamt that Jimmy Carr was almost run over by a car.

In the ocean. The ship he had been in with Charlie Brooker, David Mitchell and Richard Hammond had sunk, and they were all treading water, and the car came CHARGING TOWARDS HIM OVER THE WAVES.

Hammond managed to barrel it out of the way before it hit him.

I'm just posting this because I'm amused by the Carr-car thing.

Managed, courtesy of totaldrwhofreak, to go to the second unbroadcast pilot of 10 O'Clock Live, the live current affairs programme with David Mitchell, Charlie Brooker, Jimmy Carr and Lauren Laverne! As ever, I have written down what I can remember for the benefit of those who weren't there.


( 10 O'Clock Live unbroadcast pilot, 13th January 2011. )


10 O'Clock Live is starting up in earnest next week; it'll be shown on Channel 4 on Thursday evenings. You can probably work out what time.